Rethinking Codependency and “The Let Them Theory” | Leaving CrazyTown

Why did I have such an intense rage response to Mel Robbins’ book, “The Let Them Theory?” How did I not know, after working with patients for over 30 years, that all I had to do was suggest to “let them?” It reminds me of the drug campaigns from the ‘80s where the ads would say, “Just Say No.” I wish solving a drug addiction, alcohol disorder or a codependent behavior was as simple as just telling someone to stop. It reminds me of the old Bob Newhart sketch where he said his psychological treatment was two words: “Stop it!”

I have specialized in the field of addiction and codependency recovery for many years, as well as having over 40 years of sobriety. I have worked with folks struggling with negative patterns of relationship behavior and witnessed how challenging it is to change these chronic patterns. I do promise that I will also give the positive elements of the book here. However, when it comes to setting boundaries, speaking your truth, having self-compassion, processing internalized resentments and identifying your unconscious fears, I know it takes more than just saying “let them.”

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Leaving CrazyTown with Finn and Dr. Sarah: Let Them Theory – Mel Robbins

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The other issue that can go hand and hand with codependency is a substance use disorder. What is up with Mel and her own drinking by the way? She has acknowledged her codependency issues based on the examples in the book of her need for control. She also has talked about her anger and upset when her husband decided to quit drinking and her difficulty in initially supporting him. She has discussed her own drinking issue on her podcast several times. I feel like she cannot see the forest through the trees. She literally is discussing the mental components of alcoholism while saying, “Why do I think about drinking so much?” or “Why am I in so much conflict over stopping?” She wants to see her situation as unique when it is the same expressions about someone’s drinking I have heard for years.

Denial is the quintessential component of a drinking problem. It’s also a big component of repetitive codependent relational patterns. If you’re smart and you have used your mind to solve other issues, the problem is you think you can solve your drinking problem with your mind. Your mind is the problem. This is why alcoholism kills people. We can spend all our time asking questions about why, rather than seeing the truth underneath the questions. Sticking to the facts about your drinking and what it does to you and the people around you helps break through the denial. When I listen to her, all I hear is someone rationalizing, justifying and romanticizing her alcohol use so she doesn’t have to quit. She is just like every other alcoholic I have known who does not want to stop — or is really terrified to stop, but they just don’t know it.

Alcoholism and codependency can both ruin people’s lives. These are serious struggles. I’ve watched people sacrifice their lives for their children, refinance their homes to pay for another treatment center and become physically ill because they cannot set a limit or tolerate their feelings when they say no. Men and women ongoingly struggle with doing what is best for themselves instead of focusing on saving, changing or controlling another human being. The suffering that people experience because they don’t have the awareness of the codependency that is driving their relationships is a tragedy to witness. It requires coming out of one’s own denial, pain and behavior patterns, to be willing to look at oneself and realize that shifting the focus is the solution — for both addiction and codependency.

Mel does suggest some general tools to practice and some simple rules to remember. The book has some great points such as:

• The problem is we give our power to others
• We need to let others be who they are
• Stop trying to control other people
• Let people be disappointed
• Let people judge you
• Let people have their feelings
• Life isn’t fair

This is Codependency Recovery 101. What she does not address is that it isn’t so easy!

When somebody sets a boundary or speaks up for themselves or lets their parents be disappointed in them, they themselves will have an internal reaction that must be tolerated and addressed. There is a reason people have participated in the same behavior for years — because it requires faith and courage to do something different. So yes, let them behave the way they want, but then turn the focus to how this new behavior affects you.

Of course, “The Let Them Theory’s” real solution is “let me.” I agree with the solution but disagree on what will work. Codependency is about taking our power back and beginning to focus on ourselves. Mel’s solution is to model the behavior you want changed. The problem with this is that the focus is still on changing someone else, rather than changing ourselves!

This is the entire point of codependency recovery: we want to let go of what the other person is doing and create our own life. Her ABC model is still focused on changing the other, rather than looking at our own behavior in relationships and what drives us to disappointment and dissatisfaction.

This book may be a good first step for people. To begin to see that when we focus on changing others it leads to resentment and unhappiness is an important place to start. I would suggest to folks that when you start changing these behaviors, be gentle with yourself. This is the beginning of your healing journey. One of the limitations of the book is that she doesn’t do a deep dive into the underlying and unconscious drives leading to these behaviors. If you don’t have this awareness, you will continue to do a behavior from the past, rather than identifying what fear is driving the behaviors — so you can interrupt the cycle in the future.

Looking at our codependent behaviors or addressing our drinking problem is the beginning of a healing journey. This is an opportunity to get to know yourself. Letting others be themselves really means tolerating your feelings when others don’t do what we want. That’s the bottom line. To give up our attempts at control means we have to see what is inside of us that needs healing. Moreover, there are many, many ways we try to control people that we are not even aware of. “Let me” is the solution: so now what?

She also doesn’t address the other underlying consequences of codependency like anger, resentment, fear, shame, delusional thought patterns and all the other aspects of these relational paradigms. Identifying what is inside of us that drives us to these perpetual, relentless and repetitive actions in relationships is the key to freedom from codependency. “Letting them” do what they want is great, but then we need to address how that impacts us.

So begin your journey to freedom by shifting the focus, getting to know who YOU are, rather than focusing on others. And yes, “let them.” They will do it anyway, by the way, so choose to accept, surrender and let go. This is the road to freedom.

The Self-Help Sobees Score: 3 out of 5

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RECOVERY PODCASTLAND – LEAVING CRAZYTOWN: Welcome to Leaving CrazyTown, a podcast by Dr. Sarah Michaud and Finn Allen. They help navigate life’s ups and downs, including codependency. With personal experiences and mental health expertise, they offer insights and strategies to overcome challenges and lead fulfilling lives. Episodes cover anxiety, depression, relationships, and self-improvement. This podcast is for anyone seeking guidance to improve mental health and well-being. Join Leaving CrazyTown and start your journey to a happier, healthier life.

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