It was the summer between my 7th and 8th grade year, and I was spending a Friday night at my best friend’s house. She had cable TV, a swimming pool in her back yard, a cute older brother and a 4 pack of her mom’s Bartles & James wine coolers in the refrigerator. For anyone not around back then, B & J came in about 50 flavors and was the White Claw of the 80’s. It’s not good but it is much better going down then coming back up. And it almost always came back up. It certainly did the first time I tried it, which was also the very first time I drank alcohol.
The infamous B& J commercials. Somehow, a drink peddled by 2 old guys became a favorite go-to drink for high school kids in the 80’s.
Not only did I puke that first night, but I also blacked out. This is unpleasant and alarming. But this is not what I think about when I consider my first-time trying alcohol or any time after that. I remember the euphoric feeling that came almost instantly after a few swigs of B& J Strawberry Daiquiri. I vividly remember lying outside by the pool. The sky started spinning, and everything around me slipped away. There was not another thought of getting caught, the test I was there to study for, or my parents grounding me. It was all gone. There were only happy thoughts. I loved it, and I wanted more.
Always searching
I chased this high for the next 30 years. No matter how bad I felt the day after or how severe the consequences were from my drinking binges, I kept going. I continued drinking throughout high school, college, and after. I lost purses, cars, friendships, lovers, grades, opportunities, cell phones, and, more significantly, my dignity, morals, faith, and hope. Still looking for “the most fun night” or complete euphoria. If my drinking career had an anthem, it would be U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” Drinking alcoholically robbed me of the present. It was a shallow existence that kept me constantly searching for more. I also began drinking to forget what I did while drinking. This vicious cycle was never ending as my standards became increasingly lower along the way. I never found peace or contentment while drinking.
My drinking anthem- I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.
Trying to outrun alcoholism
I desperately tried to outrun the disease. But as it always does, it caught up with me in the spring of 2014. I was 43, single, and working in media sales. Most of my friends were married with children, running carpools and PTA meetings. I was running from the law, hanging out with 28-year-olds until 2 am, and bartending so I could subsidize my alcohol. My only focus was on where I was going to the next happy hour and how fast I could get there. This rat race was miserable and exhausting. But I was terrified that if I stopped or slowed down, I would have no more fun and have to feel my feelings of loneliness, guilt, shame, and hopelessness. That was too much to bear, so I kept going until I couldn’t.
Finally hearing what I need to hear
I had no idea how to stop drinking forever. Almost everyone I knew drank. I begrudgingly turned to AA. I heard what I needed to hear in the rooms of AA to help me finally admit to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic. That surrender allowed me to get a sponsor, work the steps and find peace and serenity I never knew. With my sponsor’s help, I could do a complete personal inventory. I uncovered the things blocking me from my God and worked through them. I felt the feelings sober, and it did not kill me. The process made me stronger. Everything I was so deeply ashamed of became part of my story that I now use to help other alcoholics. It was a slow deliberate and sometimes uncomfortable process. Each day got better and easier. And finally, by the grace of God, my obsession with drinking was lifted entirely.
Sticking with the solution
I stuck with AA and attended daily meetings. I made coffee and sober friends. Slowly, the promises of AA started coming true for me. I do not regret my past or wish to shut the door on it. I instinctively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. The feelings of uselessness and self-pity disappeared, and I know a new freedom and happiness. I voluntarily walk into the Dallas jail to carry the message of AA and regularly sponsor women. It brings me great joy to have a small part in connecting women to God and seeing them become free from addiction.
My life now is not all rainbows and unicorns. I did not get the badass job or even the guy. Still single and still in media sales, I have challenging relationships and do things I am not proud of. However, my life is exponentially better as a sober member of AA. When I started my journey into sobriety, I was not allowed to leave Dallas County. Now I am free to roam the entire country and even the world without a letter from a judge. I no longer freeze in terror or break into cold sweats when I encounter law enforcement. I remember the trips and concerts I pay hundreds of dollars to experience and know exactly what I say to my friends. I wake up feeling rested and well, do yoga, walk around the lake, and meet friends for coffee, all before 10 am.
Showing up as my authentic self
Most importantly, I show up as my authentic self 100% of the time. I have tough conversations and I am honest in all my affairs. With a zest for life, I am spiritually fit and have a relationship with my God that gives me strength and guides my every thought and action. I have rebuilt strained relationships with family and friends and am present for milestones, even the sad ones.
Although it was a long, complicated journey, I can finally and honestly say that I am thankful for my alcoholism. Without this journey to recovery, I would not be able to deal with life on life’s terms. I would not have the authentic relationships with friends and family I have today or the relationship with my God that I did not know I was missing. I have a front-row seat and sometimes even a supporting role in the miracles that happen every day in recovery. For me, this is better than any drunk night out. The freedom of knowing that there is a solution to my alcoholism and that I do not ever have to go back to being a prisoner of addiction is priceless.
I still have fun in sobriety
Being sober is never boring and I still have a ton of fun. I go to concerts, museums, parties, lectures, happy hours, and tailgates. I celebrated three years of sobriety in Morocco on the dunes of the Sahara Desert, five years in the temples of Malaysia, and six years hiking waterfalls in Hawaii. In sobriety, I have been to Antarctica, attended weddings, sat with my grandmother as she took her last breath, started writing for a blog, become a certified digital marketer, gone out on dates and girls’ trips, and have given multiple presentations in front of hundreds of people.
Life is bigger and better than I ever imagined
By the grace of God, I will celebrate nine years of sobriety in May. I never want to go back to drinking and will continue to help others in the fight against addiction. and advocate to remove the stigma surrounding addiction. As long as I am living and breathing, I will be grateful for the gift of sobriety that was so freely given to me.
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