I never thought this would happen.

The milk sloshed in the Yeti mug in the cup holder in my car. I was driving like crazy to yet another mandatory UA drug test at the lab. It was 2018, and I enrolled in a program for nurses with substance use issues and committed to random UA a few times a month. This was willingly and begrudgingly to save my license from being restricted.

I had downloaded an app on my phone that I would check in every weekday to see my fate. Had I been selected to UA today? The other nurses I had made friends with within this program told me that drinking milk before a UA would provide enough protein (and liquid) to make for a usable sample. So, having “enough milk” became a regular concern in my household. Got Milk?

I never thought at seventeen years into my RN career, I would face this. But then again, I never felt any of this would happen. I was a thirty-eight-year-old facing a long stent in nursing probation hell. Welcome to my world.

The Back Story

When I started my nursing career, I worked twelve-hour night shifts at the local hospital. I started on the day shift but had been in a horrible car accident that ravaged my neck, back, and shoulders with whiplash. My supervisor thought putting me on the night shift for a slower pace would be a good idea. I did a residency program for nurses on an ICU stepdown unit for intense cardiac monitoring. The night shift turned me into an insomniac and a vampire, which I was happy to party my way through. Working three nights a week meant drinking four nights a week and not feeling like an “alcoholic.”

However, over the years, it became harder and harder for me to exist without booze. When I returned to the land of the living, AKA dayshift, I began drinking every evening. Through my late twenties and thirties, drinking became my crux.

Also, the car accident I was in meant I couldn’t exercise as rigorously as I had before, So I began restricting my calories. I learned that if you skip meals and save the calories for wine, (drunkorexia) it was less likely to cause weight gain. By my early thirties I was not only addicted to alcohol, but I was struggling with anorexia and bulimia.

It tried to cut back on the wine several times and “eat normally” but nothing worked. At one point the drinking got so bad that friends suggested I try smoking marijuana instead of drinking. (Because duh… total sobriety was out of the question) So when THC became legalized in the state of WA, I tried it for the first time at the age of thirty-five. You see, it’s not federally legal so nurses and first responders are prohibited from partaking. Nurses are only allowed to use coping mechanisms like getting wasted on alcohol, binge eating and chain smoking. (I digress)

Faking It & Facing it

I was working as a home health nurse while battling cyclic bouts of binge drinking while being California sober. AKA smoking weed, trying to convince myself I did not want the wine. I had gotten a DUI in 2014 and was trying not to repeat it. One day, I got into a car accident (the theme here is I am a horrible driver), but it wasn’t my fault this time. I was on the clock driving to see a patient when someone backed into me. Seriously my luck. Because it was “on the job,” I was asked to do a drug screen for the incident report—panic at the disco. THC stays in your system for weeks. I was screwed!

In all my brilliant thinking, I Googled “How to fake a drug screen?” and came across the idea that I could use fake urine from a novelty shop. To my horror, when I went to place my artificial urine in the sample cup, I dropped the fake pee on the floor. I was busted. Through my tears and terror, the supervisor escorted me to the curb. I was fired on the spot.

In addition, my workplace reported me to the state board of nursing for “tampering with a drug screen.” The jig was up. I could no longer fake it. I had to face it. When the nursing commission did a deep dive into my past, they encountered the DUI and several mistakes I had made on the job. I spilled the beans and admitted I had a drinking problem. I also had been smoking pot and was struggling with eating disorders.

Basically, I was a mess, and I had been hiding it for years. So much so, I had attempted to surrender my nursing license and work at Macy’s for the rest of my life on minimum wage. (More on that later) But the nursing commission wouldn’t let me opt out that easily. Dude, do you know how hard retail is? Geez!

I had to enroll in a five-year monitoring program to remain a registered nurse in good standing. Yes, you read that correctly—five fecking years. After crying, screaming, and bartering with the universe, I finally surrendered. I had been a nurse my whole life. Was I really going to choose wine, pot, and bulimia over my career?

Sober Gangster

Through my horror and humiliation, I crawled back into nursing on my hands and knees. I took a job in mental health, where the work resonated with me. To comply with the nursing commission’s rules, I randomly went to a lab twice a month to prove my sobriety. I had to pee in a cup before a CNA working at the lab. Her unlucky job was to watch me and ensure I didn’t fake it. (again) And yes, I was mortified—every time.

I found some stickers online at @soberisexy that made me laugh, so I ordered a couple. They said “Sober Gangster” I knew it wasn’t meant to be in a literal or derogatory sense, and I consulted Urban Dictionary. “Gangster” referred to someone who was “badass or awesomely clever.” I figured overcoming hell and getting sober counted as a pretty gangster move. So, I put a big sticker on my Yeti cup that I carried on the days I got selected to test. The cup smelled like rotten milk (very un-gangster), but it was the only liquid I knew that worked. Yeah me. I hadn’t been forced to drink milk since middle school.

One day as I was going to the lab, I glanced down at my phone to get my testing code from the app. Big red letters confirmed YES “You’ve Been Selected.” Geez, I hated seeing those words. I looked over at my Yeti labeled “Sober Gangster.” Well, God, here I am, I thought. It was like some corny Hallmark movie, except my only lines were: WTF. How is this my life? I’m about to urinate milk- pee in front of a nurse’s aide I used to supervise. Awesome.

Suddenly it hit me. What if that was the sign of things to come? What if I had been selected to tell my story to save someone else? This wasn’t the end; it was the universe signally to a new beginning. And it was signed, sealed, stamped, and delivered from the big man, like a gift wrapped in sh*t. I started to feel that maybe the point of all this mess was not my demise but my overcoming. Not to mention the humility and rediscovery and all the things in between.

In recovery circles, we like to say, “You are only as sick as your secrets.” But it occurred to me I had no more secrets. My shameful story was public knowledge because I was a nurse. So, I realized I was only as sick as the stories I would allow to occupy my mind. I certainly had a brutal biography to share, but I started to feel like I could rewrite the ending. After all, it was MY damn story. I was entirely capable of throwing in a plot twist.

Big Red Letters

Throughout the five years of enduring this monitoring program, I continued to look at those big red letters as an indicator of good things to come. I chose to view them as a sign from the universe that I was being prepared for so much more than just existing through all of this. I had been selected to speak up.

When I first started the program, my urine samples were too diluted to count as a passing specimen. So, I had no choice but to drink the milk and all its scary calories. Furthermore, I had to add more protein and fat to my diet and stop vomiting up my food. You see, this journey was much more than just recovering from alcohol addiction. It was a complete lifestyle overhaul.

So, I won’t Pollyanna out on this story. I hated all this initially (I still hate milk to this day), yet I am so grateful that I was forced to do it. After facing the scariest parts of my life, I didn’t die. (But did you die?) Nope. Overcoming my eating disorders, addiction to booze, career demise, shame & financial ruin was no easy feat. Yet those big red letters told me I had to tackle the mess I’d made and go all in with recovery. And I did.

So here starts the blog of a woman recovering from it all. You’ve Been Selected will be the forum I discuss my life as a nurse and how I am overcoming the shame I inflicted upon my career. Also, I will recount my battles with perfectionism, drunkorexia, binge eating, starving, self-loathing, and burnout. (Sounds like a light, breezy read, huh?) I kid.

If you feel that you’ve been selected too, I hope you will join me on this journey. Most of all, I hope to make you laugh out loud and feel less alone. We can go on the journey of being sober gangsters together. I’ll bring the boombox and the seltzer.

Peace within. Bullshit out. Let’s do this.

Love Kate

YOU’VE BEEN SELECTED: Kate Vitela has been an RN in Pacific Northwest for over two decades. She has been sober since 2018. You’ve Been Selected is a column that describes her journey through addiction, eating disorders, and what is now known as Drunkorexia. The title comes from years of mandatory drug testing Kate endured after nearly ruining her nursing career due to alcohol. Kate recalls seeing these words appear on her phone each day she was chosen to randomly drug test to prove her sobriety to the nursing board.

Kate chronicles her struggle with body image, perfectionism, stigma, shame, and burnout throughout her career. She also turns this twisted narrative into triumph as she internalizes it as a sign from the universe to speak up and tell her story. Kate continues to work as a leader in the mental health nursing field and is studying to become a board-certified nurse coach.

In her free time, Kate is actively involved in the fashion industry in the PNW. She also serves on the board of the Break Free Foundation, which produces twice-annual shows for NYFW. She has been modeling for two years since starting the blog Walk Your Talk.

Follow along with Kate on IG @katevitela or email her directly at vitela.kate@gmail.com

Resources Are Available

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.