“There’s no happy ending.” Knowing how it ends and hearing this in the unmistakable voice of Anthony Bourdain is especially jarring. It is even more so when it is part of the trailer for Roadrunner: A Film About Anthony Bourdain, which dropped only days before the three-year anniversary of his death.
I’m giddy with excitement over this film’s release. I absolutely can’t wait and will be the first in line to see it. I thought it was just that, but I was wrong. It turns out that remembering Anthony Bourdain still evokes some pretty significant unresolved emotions.
Who’s on Your Dinner Party Guest List?
You know the weird interview question people still ask about your ideal dinner party and who you would invite? Always, without hesitation, Anthony Bourdain is first on my guest list and has been for years. With 6 continents, 28 countries, and counting, travel has been a long-time passion. But globe-trotting, storytelling ex-chef Anthony Bourdain is the one who showed me that we can go anywhere. He is the one who smashed stereotypes with candid conversations and dispelled our collective irrational fears over homemade dinners with complete strangers in foreign lands. He made places like Turkey, Myanmar, Jordan, Tanzania, Bhutan, Russia, and Uruguay rise to the top of my must-see list.
Although he is beloved by many across the globe, and I have never actually met him, I feel in my heart that we are kindred spirits. Me and probably millions of others, but that’s not the point. The brazen, unapologetic way he approached travel and life, in general, is enviable. He seemed to have it made. He got paid for writing about his experiences, traveling the world, meeting interesting people, and exploring culture and cuisine. No Reservations says it all. Bourdain knew that real travel does not involve attractions. Going off the map is the only way to truly experience a new place. I couldn’t agree more. What I wouldn’t give to quit my job, sell my crap and take up exactly where he left off.
On June 8, 2018, while filming with one of his best friends in France, Anthony Bourdain took his own life. Unfortunately, the numbers are increasing, and we have all likely been affected by suicide. Even more so being in the recovery community. So many of us deal with additional forms of mental illness. A recovered heroin addict, Bourdain is no different and also suffered from depression. None of this makes his death any more expected, less heartbreaking, or less tragic. Bourdain’s death was a huge loss felt across multiple countries. Thousands of people shared meaningful conversations over intimate family meals with him. Millions more felt they knew him since he so freely and unabashedly shared his thoughts on politics, food, and life as he became a weekly and sometimes daily household fixture through his TV shows, No Reservations and Parts Unknown.
Anthony Bourdain is My Spirit Animal
Bourdain’s death was soul-shaking down to my core. He was witty with a wicked, dry sense of humor and had very little patience for many things. He spoke my language, shared many of my philosophies, and seemed to be living my exact dream. Major networks like CNN and the Travel Channel gave him complete creative freedom to say and do whatever he wanted on his TV shows. For example, he describes SOHO in London as a free license for visitors to get pissed and act like shameless wankers in the name of having fun, tells a Greek restaurant owner that his food smells like a wet dog but tastes decent, and calls the cast of The Jersey Shore roid-raging trolls with reality shows. He’s brutally honest and tells it like it is. It’s been 3 years, and I still can’t get him out of my mind.
As a 7 on the Enneagram, I’m an Enthusiast. My drive to learn and explore is incessant. The words of my travel idol ring especially true, “Without experimentation, a willingness to ask questions and try new things, we shall surely become static, repetitive, and moribund.” Even though I know that depression contributed to his death and his reasoning can’t be explained, I can’t help wondering how he could have wanted to escape when he had the blessing of always getting to meet new people in foreign lands while enjoying exotic food and discovering cultures around the world. He was in France with one of his best friends, eating, meeting new people, enjoying new experiences, and creating new memories.
Work certainly isn’t everything, but what’s not to love about his work? This question caused me to reevaluate EVERYTHING. My true joy and reason for being come from my higher power but I am happiest when helping others and visiting new places. If Anthony Bourdain had my dream job and wasn’t happy, then does roaming the world not bring happiness? I started thinking about my need to constantly see something new and began to question why. I have a big, loving family, the best group of fun-loving friends, a vibrant recovery community, and a strong faith constantly fed by multiple churches I call home. I’m a very lucky and extremely blessed girl. So why am I constantly counting down to my next international flight, and why do I put such a high value on spending time in foreign lands with strangers?
After much reflection, I determined that it is because conversations with complete strangers are non-binding, non-judgemental, and less work for me. Being vulnerable enough to build relationships beyond a surface level is hard and can be very uncomfortable. What I came to realize is that placing less value on this is being ungrateful for the beautiful life God gave me. While the need to expand my horizons, experience new things, and converse with people of other cultures will always be a part of what makes me who I am, it should not be my only goal. Craving conversation with strangers instead of going deep with friends and family is a form of running away. Frankly, for me, it’s my own form of escapism- an old patterned behavior based on addiction. And now, this behavior has finally become objectionable to me.
Miracle-Gro for My Soul
This Anthony Bourdain-inspired journey into self-discovery helped me understand that roots are just as important as wings. Gradually, I’ve started taking action. I’m having more intentional conversations and spending time with individuals versus large groups. Ironically, the forced global pandemic lockdown was like Miracle-Gro for my soul. Cultivating my roots gave me wings I didn’t know I was missing. I’ve made it a point to spend time fostering my relationships with family, friends, co-workers, and most importantly, my God. I feel more grounded (mentally and physically) and surprisingly, it feels ok.
I can’t wait to fly the friendly international skies again. When I go, I’ll go in the spirit of Anthony Bourdain knowing as he did that “Perhaps wisdom. . . is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.” But when I return, I will be grateful and much more appreciative of my home and my new and improved, stronger roots. I will also be forever grateful for the life-changing wisdom shared by Anthony Bourdain. Gone way too soon but never, ever forgotten.
Coming Soon to What a Trip
Check What a Trip next month for my review of Roadrunner, along with my top Anthony Bourdain travel quotes and how they’ve influenced my world travel.
MOVIE NIGHT WITH THE SOBER CURATOR: Roadrunner: A Film About Anthony Bourdain
Resources Are Available
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