Who have I become in the absence of superficial desires and the presence of a meaningful life? Once God finds you, you can never lose Him, yet can daily lose yourself. I imagined fulfillment producing more serotonin; vibrant, intoxicating, not a brightly colored Grey. I have always known that love is more than just a feeling, but now I can’t feel it. I am a Good person, I am humble, And I am afraid.
I fear my subconscious is a predator. I fear it knows all of my weaknesses and manipulates me into hating myself. I fear the thought that it is something other than my subconscious so much that I forget to remember it is. I fear I act tough and that I am nothing. Forgetting Christ used to be a “whoopsie” But now as I settle into the role he requires of me It seems to have consequences. I can ill afford to forget how much He loves me. Something is telling me I’m not good enough, and I’m not sure that…
There are flies in my apartment, and I only have excuses. I forgot to take out the garbage last week because I couldn’t get off the couch. I couldn’t get off the couch because I was depressed. I was depressed because I quit my job. I quit my job because my mental health couldn’t take the pressure. My mental health couldn’t take the pressure because I got too invested in the work. I got too invested in the work because I didn’t see enough people doing it. I didn’t see enough people doing it because they were taking care of…
