‘There are flies in my apartment’ by Andrew Littlefield

There are flies in my apartment, and I only have excuses.

I forgot to take out the garbage last week because I couldn’t get off the couch.

I couldn’t get off the couch because I was depressed.

I was depressed because I quit my job.

I quit my job because my mental health couldn’t take the pressure.

My mental health couldn’t take the pressure because I got too invested in the work.

I got too invested in the work because I didn’t see enough people doing it.

I didn’t see enough people doing it because they were taking care of themselves first.

They were taking care of themselves first so they didn’t become like me.

There are flies in my apartment.

They fly past my face and I feel all the derision I have for myself bubble to the service.

They fly past and I tell myself I am disgusting because I did not take out the garbage last week.

I forget that I did not take the garbage out because I am depressed.

I forget that I do not deserve to be depressed, and I tell myself I do.

I forget how familiar it feels to want to end it all, I remember the comfort I receive from pain.

I remember how easy it is to tell myself that I deserve it. 

I forget that God didn’t die for me so I could feel like this, I forget that He loves me.

I remember others that love me in my head, but I forget that others love me in my heart.

I forget why I care. I forget why it matters. 

I forget why I should even make the effort to get off this couch.

There are flies in my apartment, and I only have excuses.

I am disgusting, when they fly past my face I remember that.

I embrace it because it is the only justification for how I feel.

No one could feel this horrible without deserving it.

No one would have flies in their apartment without deserving it. 

This is what I get for making excuses.

I took out the garbage, I tried cleaning what I could, and the flies are still here.

There are flies in my apartment and I only have excuses.

I fixed the problem and flies are still here, so they must never go away.

Now for the rest of my life I will have flies, and excuses.

There are deadly thoughts in my head, and I only have excuses.

They are in my head because I do not take care of myself.

I do not care about myself because some evil deep inside me wants me to suffer.

Some evil deep inside me wants to suffer because I think I deserve it.

I think I deserve it because it makes it easier to accept it.

I forget that I can heal.

I remember that I was healed once.

I forget that I can heal again.

There are flies in my apartment, and I only have excuses.

---

SPEAK OUT! SPEAK LOUD! Welcome to the Speak Out Speak Loud section of The Sober Curator, a space echoing Madonna’s call to “Express yourself!” This is where our readers and contributors take center stage, sharing their transformative sobriety journeys. Often, sobriety uncovers hidden talents, abilities, and new avenues of self-expression. By sharing these stories, we not only facilitate personal healing but also offer hope to those still navigating the path of recovery. So, let’s raise our voices, Speak Out, and Speak Loud! In doing so, we combat the silence that often shrouds addiction, offering solace and inspiration. We invite you to share your unique expressions of recovery here—be it through videos, poems, art, essays, opinion pieces, or music. We can’t wait to hear from you! Please email us at thesobercurator@gmail.com or DM us on social!

Disclaimer: All opinions expressed in the Speak Out! Speak Loud! Section are solely the opinions of the contributing author of each individual published article and do not reflect the views of The Sober Curator, their respective affiliates, or the companies with which The Sober Curator is affiliated.

The Speak Out! Speak Loud! posts are based upon information the contributing author considers reliable. Still, neither The Sober Curator nor its affiliates, nor the companies with which such participants are affiliated, warrant its completeness or accuracy, and it should not be relied upon as such.

---

Call 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It provides free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week for people in suicidal crisis or distress. You can learn more about its services here, including its guide on what to do if you see suicidal language on social media. You can also call that number to talk to someone about how you can help a person in crisis. For crisis support in Spanish, call 1-888-628-9454.

For support outside of the US, a worldwide directory of resources and international hotlines is provided by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. You can also turn to Befrienders Worldwide.

---

Help is Available

If you or someone you love is living with substance use, alcohol misuse, a co-occurring, or a behavioral health disorder, there is hope. The Break Free Foundation aids individuals seeking recovery through the Break Free Scholarship Fund. It sends anyone who lacks the financial resources to attend a recovery center to do so at low to no cost.

Review our Treatment Locator Tool to find the right program near you, as well as our list of Hotlines and Helplines. Click here for a list of regional and national resources. On this road to recovery, no one is alone. We are all in this together.

Follow The Sober Curator on LinkedIn