For years I have dreamed of a project:
To write everyone I loved and tell them why I love them,
Tell them how they changed my life.
Tell them which pieces of them left an imprint on me that I will carry forever.
Tell them which pieces of me I was happy to surrender.
There would be so many letters.
First, I would write to the people I lost, to tell them what I miss most about their presence.
To ask them how they want to be honored,
instead of grasping at straws and hoping they like what I’m up to.
Then, I would bury myself in letters to the people I love.
I would be buried in letters because I don’t know how to tell them I love them now.
I would write letter after letter, and it would never stop.
New people would mean new letters, more love, the best kind of love,
Love that can be explained in a way we might understand.
Love for no other reason than love.
To understand that for some inexplicable purpose, some dude you just met loves you.
Yeah, he feels weird about it too but you know what?
You gave him hope again.
You see he can be very sick, his mind can ruin his day,
So even though he appears to have his shit together,
Even though he spends his days trying to spread hope to others,
He loses it every day.
And you reminded him to have it.
Maybe it was your smile, your dedication, your kindness, your generosity,
Or maybe it was that you told some asshole on the subway to go fuck themselves
And they deserved it.
You made him smile, you gave him hope,
And he will take that hope and use it to push on,
And spread as much of it as he can to others,
And he couldn’t do that without you,
So he loves you.
Simple really.
I wait to write these letter until my soul is at rest, for it is a deep fear
That in the throes of mental illness
The letters I write for others
Will be letters to myself.
I don’t know why, but it seems that love for any sake
Other than its own
Makes things hollow.
Call 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It provides free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week for people in suicidal crisis or distress. You can learn more about its services here, including its guide on what to do if you see suicidal language on social media. You can also call that number to talk to someone about how you can help a person in crisis. For crisis support in Spanish, call 1-888-628-9454.
For support outside of the US, a worldwide directory of resources and international hotlines is provided by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. You can also turn to Befrienders Worldwide.
Help is Available
If you or someone you love is living with substance use, alcohol misuse, a co-occurring, or a behavioral health disorder, there is hope. The Break Free Foundation aids individuals seeking recovery through the Break Free Scholarship Fund. It sends anyone who lacks the financial resources to attend a recovery center to do so at low to no cost.
Review our Treatment Locator Tool to find the right program near you, as well as our list of Hotlines and Helplines. Click here for a list of regional and national resources. On this road to recovery, no one is alone. We are all in this together.
