Leave no one behind is a phrase I heard hundreds of times during my days in the Army. I served from 1996 to 2016 in some of the best units around—storied units, the 10^th Mountain Division, 1^st Armored, and finally the 1^st Special Forces group. For the most part, we lived that mantra. Never left a fellow soldier on the battlefield. We searched for almost two years for Fouty and Jimenez in Iraq. We made sure that they were not left behind and returned home. But something happened as America’s longest war dragged on.

When a person experiences trauma and loss, it takes a toll on the psyche. Your coping skills start to fray. I remember moments that brought me to my knees in villages and cities in Iraq. I hid out of sight of my men’s eyes to not break their spirits. You don’t show weakness; you don’t show the most basic human emotion that we all have in combat. Doubt and second-guessing yourself are killers!

As these moments stack up, they take a toll. I learned to hide it at the beginning with Vodka and laughter. I hid it till I couldn’t hide it anymore. It made my thought process lag, and my physical abilities suffered; I had become combat ineffective and a danger to the team I loved. The Army was gracious enough to pull me from another deployment (with me kicking and screaming for the only thing I thought I was good at). Now I was faced with a new reality.

However, when it came to mental issues and alcohol issues, they left me behind. Like thousands of other service members diagnosed with PTSD, alcohol and drug issues, it was easier to get me out of sight than to deal with the issue. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my time as a paratrooper, living the greatest adventure. The military is amazing at training young men and women to fight Americas battles. They’re just not so great at bringing us home back to society, to a world that we forgot about and sometimes forgot about us, life goes on at home.

One thing you feel, like I’m sure we’ve all felt, is alone. Not only am I alone in my substance abuse and behavioral health issues, but I’m surrounded by a civilian population that, thank God for them, cannot relate to my experience. Being Alone was a new feeling for me. I’d always had my team around. Not family in the traditional sense, as I spent 75% of most years away on missions or training for missions. But brothers in a more profound understanding. “For he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.” Now they were going to carry on the mission without me. Why? Because I had “lost my shit!”

“Tools are what I didn’t have. Alone is what I felt.”
Phillip Vitela

Tools are what I didn’t have. Alone is what I felt. I…in my mind, was the only one who had this issue. I knew I couldn’t possibly be, but where were the others? Finding the book Leave No One Behind by Hazelden Meditation and turning its pages filled with names and testimony confirmed that I was not alone. That others were out there and that they survived.

A book like this will lead you down a rabbit hole to search for other tools and books. Search for the right BH provider to help you rewire your mind and get you to where you might belong. I know I’m a long way from where I was and have a long way to go. I also know that I am not alone in this walk. Additionally, I have an amazing wife who walks beside me and a group of friends and family who are always there. I can now pass this on to my brothers and help them on their journey. We leave no one behind is a great tool that can be a fantastic reminder that we, you are not alone. You’ve not been left behind.

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A Disco Ball is Hundreds of Pieces of Broken Glass, Put Together to Make a Magical Ball of Light. You are NOT Broken, Friend. You are a DISCO BALL!

Resources Are Available

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.