I’m going to do something I have never done before. I am just sitting here with my earbuds, listening to music and letting the words flow. I am going to write this all-in-one shot. I am not going to edit this other than a read-through and make sure that I did not misspell any words. I do not want this edited. I want this to be me. Pure. Raw. Me.
For the past almost three months, I have been dealing with depression. And it is not like this is something new to me or anything like that. Knowing that I am bipolar for the past almost a decade (shit, has it really been that long since I found out) means that you get used to all the ups and downs. And holy shit, the ups and downs you can have.
Last December, I had been riding a manic high for a few months that culminated with me ending up with my car crashing on the side of the road three hours away from where I live. I had not been drinking. I had not been doing drugs. I, just in the middle of the night, decided to drive and just somehow ended up out there. Having only liability insurance for my not-so-great car meant that this particular manic high set me back a few thousand dollars. But at least I was safe, and nobody was hurt.
Recently, I have been getting to feel that opposite feeling of depression. And I do have to say that this one has really kicked my ass. I have spent several days lying around the house without an interest in doing anything. There were days when I could sleep for hours throughout the day but still be so utterly exhausted.
My appetite has completely changed over time. There were days when I had only one meal…somedays, I had none. Where I had been trying to lose weight before, I have now lost 25 pounds over the timespan without trying. Now I spend my days trying to make myself eat three meals (since my whole digestive system is fucked up) and make sure that I get enough calories so that I can just stop losing weight. Recently, I have stabilized some. But if I get hit with one more strong wave of this depression…who knows what will happen?
It can sometimes suck to be bipolar and try to be a writer. Damn, when I’m manic, I will crank out things quickly. Your mind spins with so many ideas it seems you don’t even have enough time to write them down. But when you are depressed, it can really suck. I realized recently that I had not successfully written anything in the last few months. I tried. Oh, yes, I tried. I even tried to write my next piece for The Sober Curator, but it was such a forced form of writing that it didn’t feel like anything I had ever written. And it made me even more depressed reading it, realizing how far down I had gone.
And if you want to do anything related to communicating through social media…damn, that becomes an issue. I can’t remember the last time I posted anything on my accounts. I am sure I can look it up right now, but I know it’s been months. I generally like to post inspirational Stoic quotes for people, but how do you post inspiration when you have none within you?
This has been my life for months. Every time I feel like I might be on the up…I find myself the next day on the down. But the good thing about being almost a decade into knowing that I have this is that I know that the day will come when I will be back in the middle (and eventually manic again, too).
Then something happened the other day. I got this random email. It was from a counselor at a men’s rehab in New York who had asked me for my guidance on developing a Stoic unit for the men at their facility. I guess they had read my book (a compliment from anyone who would want to read it) and wanted any insight I could provide.
Of course, I responded. I was surprised that someone would want to take on this task. I gave them insights on a few more books they could read and suggestions for topics they could cover. After a few more exchanges, I ended up writing out a unit outline that can be used to guide the lesson planning.
Then something started to happen.
I felt inspired.
One morning, I woke up and created a lesson and worksheet for the first part of the unit on the Stoic perspective of the Serenity Prayer. It was bringing so many parts of me together at once. I was able to talk about Stoic philosophy, which I love to do. I was able to connect it with recovery, which is another one of my passions. Being a former teacher, I was finally able to access what I had spent so many years studying and practicing to create it. The best part is that this could help my fellow family in addiction and recovery.
What I did not recognize was happening in my depression was the worst part that I felt during my addiction. That feeling of no purpose. Waking up each day and going through the motions feeling like there’s no reason for it all. Not caring if you are living and not caring if you are dying. Just simply…not caring.
It is really a painful feeling.
One of my favorite shows is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and I remember one episode where one of the characters was describing how he had this empty hole inside of him and that he used sex to fill it (he is such an addict). When I heard this, it was all I could think about when you want to describe that feeling of having no purpose. An empty hole inside of you that you try to fill with anything so that it goes away, but nothing works. Of course, in my addictions, it was pretty easy to find things to throw into the hole. I would fill it with drugs or alcohol. Whether this succeeded in getting rid of that hole is another story…you and I know it didn’t work. But now, in my recovery…I am lost and do not know what to throw in it.
The reality is that there is only one way to fill this hole completely.
Purpose.
I do know this. The Stoics teach this. Stoicism is a philosophy of life about discovering and uncovering your purpose. And to the Stoics, they view that living a virtuous life (excellence of character) is the best purpose to live, since you can be the best version of yourself no matter what situation you are in…depression or not. I know this and try to live this. I strive to be the best me every single day, and I dedicate myself to being this way. But for some reason, it was not enough.
Depression can be brutal.
So why was I suddenly feeling inspired? Why was I beginning to feel some changes inside of me that I had not felt in months? Why did the hole feel like it was getting smaller?
Why was I writing again?
It was because I had finally rediscovered the one great purpose that all of us in recovery serve. A purpose that we can live every single day as a part of our philosophy of life. All of us in recovery can serve the purpose of helping another member of our family in addiction, whether it be through telling a story, sharing at a meeting, being a source of advice, or an ear to listen as another confides. Or, as I found out, creating Stoic lessons for individuals in early recovery. We have been given a beautiful gift through recovery… a gift that we fight and strive for. It is something that others struggle and fight for every second of the day around the world. And it is because of our successes that we can serve the purpose of helping others strive for their own. Every person in recovery has the opportunity to make the world a better place and help humanity by simply fulfilling that purpose of reaching out to their family in addiction and recovery (because even those of us in recovery need that help from time to time). Feeling this new form of purpose in my life again has allowed this hole to grow smaller. I wish I could tell you that I was no longer feeling depressed, but then I would be lying to you.
I am beginning to feel better.
I want to thank my fellow Sober Curators for giving their free time to help their recovery family through all the writings they contribute and events they plan. I want to thank every writer, podcaster, filmmaker, musician, website creator, clothing designer, and all others out there trying to spread stories of recovery and redemption. Most of all, I want to thank everyone in recovery for fulfilling that simple purpose of reaching out to that helping hand and improving the life of another human being by simply being there for them in any way they need at that moment.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. The funny thing about being a writer of Ancient Greek philosophy for recovery is that you automatically sign yourself up for ‘nobody is going to read this.’ But as with everything I do regarding this, I aim for one person I can help. And if you got this far, you can be that person. I hope that you found this helpful. I wish you a purpose-filled life as you continue on your days forward, and I always remind you that you can make the world a better place through every encounter with another person you have.
THE SOBER STOIC: Derek Castleman is a writer, educator, scientist, data analyst, and philosopher. Struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for over fifteen years while at the same time suffering from being bipolar, he was finally able to achieve recovery in 2018. From mental hospitals to rehab, county jail to sober living, 12 Step Programs would be his foundation, and he would eventually discover the path of Stoicism to be the key to his sobriety and sanity. Follow along with @thesoberstoic on Instagram and learn more about Derek HERE.
Welcome to the ‘Spiritual Gangster’ wing of The Sober Curator, a haven for those on a sober journey with a twist of spiritual sass. Here, we invite you to plunge headfirst into a world of meditation, astrology, and spiritual reflection – all while keeping your feet (and sobriety) firmly on the ground.
Each month, our very own Analisa Six, better known as the Lady of Leosure, graces us with ‘The Sobercast with Six.’ It’s like horoscopes, but with less hocus-pocus and more sober reality checks for the coming month. And let’s not forget Daniel G Garza, or as we affectionately call him, ‘The Card Divo.’ He delivers snappy, under-a-minute weekly sober tarot card readings that’ll have you saying, “Hit me with another round…of cards!” Teresa Bergen shows us how to get bendy with mindful yoga practices, and Samantha Bushika teaches us everything we need to know about chakras, crystals, and all things woo-woo.
The newest stars of this spiritual show? That’s Derek Castleman, our resident ‘Sober Stoic.’ After finding enlightenment in the Serenity Prayer and its connection to the Steps, he realized stoicism wasn’t just about keeping a stiff upper lip – it was a roadmap for leading a fulfilling life, no matter the roll of the dice.
We also bring you the creator of The Wellspring: A Celtic Recovery Journey, Anne Marie, who blends the Celtic calendar with sobriety, connecting participants to ancient wisdom and nature’s rhythms.
SOBERCAST WITH SIX brings you astrology updates from our resident astrologer, tarot card reader, and Sober Curator Contributor Analisa Six.
THE CARD DIVO brings quick-hitting and intuitive horoscopes for sober people on the go. (Seriously, 1-minute once a week)
THE SOBER STOIC Sober Curator Contributor Derek Castleman is a writer, educator, scientist, data analyst, and philosopher. Struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for over fifteen years while at the same time suffering from being bipolar, he was finally able to achieve recovery in 2018. From mental hospitals to rehab, county jail to sober living, 12 Step Programs would be his foundation, but he would eventually discover the path of Stoicism to be the key to his sobriety and sanity.
ALTAR & EGO explores topics surrounding recovery, spirituality, and mental health. We hope you will consider this section of our site as food for your sober soul. Brought to you by Sober Curator Contributor Staci DesRault
THE DAILY LLAMA brings you short, one-word weekday meditations for your complete wool-being! Brought to you by Sober Curator Contributor Staci DesRault
SPIRITUAL SUBSTANCE Lane Kennedy’s new monthly column explores the intersections of mindfulness, science, and spirituality.
SOBRIETY IN FLOW Yoga is more than poses. Discover a deeper aspect of yoga beyond the poses with Teresa Bergen.
Sober Say What?
Our brand new recovery glossary is the ultimate guide to the language of sobriety, the world of recovery and alcohol-free lifestyles, where words hold power, knowledge, and the keys to a vibrant life free from substances that dim our glow. The Sober Curator Glossary helps to create a more inclusive, informed, and effective environment for those on their journey to recovery and those who support them as they walk the path.
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
