Continuing with our study of yoga philosophy, this month’s column delves into the yama, or ethical restraint, of brahmacarya.
You wake up naked with some guy, wearing nothing but a concha belt. Apparently, you had sex with him, but you have no idea whether it was consensual because you were blacked out the night before. As usual. Or you look at your one-night stand and think, never in a million years would I choose this person…but you did. Or the alcohol did. Now, you’re faced with the consequences.
These scenarios are the opposite of this month’s yoga topic. The fourth moral restraint of yoga is brahmacharya. This word comes from the god Brahman, Hinduism’s eternal supreme godhead, and charya, or “to follow.” So, people who adhere to Brahmacharya are living virtuous lives.
What comes as a shock to many Western yoga students is that traditionally, brahmacharya means celibacy. And even more shocking, male brahmacharyans avoided any loss of semen. But like many aspects of yoga, brahmacharya has been reinterpreted and toned down for a modern western audience. Otherwise, the yoga studios would be empty.
A more moderate view of brahmacharya is to discipline our use of sexual energy. Remember that the point of yoga is to transcend suffering caused by attachments, aversions, and desires so that we may work toward freedom from our limited, individual egos. In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali, the great granddaddy of yoga philosophy, stated that practicing brahmacharya results in unbounded vitality and energy.
What does this all mean for people in recovery?
Did you ever hear that advice about not getting sexually involved with anybody during your first year of sobriety? What, you tuned that one out? I realize most people probably ignore that advice, but I think there’s a strong argument in favor of it. I can’t speak for men here, but women whose sexuality and alcoholism developed in tandem are apt to be very confused. Blacked out, we are all-too-convenient receptacles for gross dudes. We may get used to being treated this way—or we might not even consciously remember we were. This is damaging on some deep level. We need space to heal and unravel what and who we really want. Or maybe we don’t want to be with anybody. We might need a reset. The idea of brahmacharya is to refocus energy on spiritual pursuits. A period of celibacy could help us stop seeing ourselves as objects in somebody else’s story and develop the courage and clarity to write our own.
It can also be very illuminating to write a fourth step around your sexual past. Patterns will quickly become apparent. Just don’t lose your fourth step notebook in the Seattle airport like I did because you might be too embarrassed to inquire after it at the lost and found.
Celibacy – or even moderation in sex and romance – may never catch on in the West. But it’s worth considering. How much time do people spend on the internet, looking for instant sexual gratification on porn sites or future sexual gratification on dating sites? Is it possible that this time and energy could be better spent?
In modern times, brahmacharya is often defined as “sexual continence.” Depending on our situations, this could mean celibacy, fidelity to a partner, or, at the very least, honesty in our sexual dealings rather than sneaking around. Dishonest sex relations squander a great deal of psychic and emotional energy. Plus, it violates our first yama, ahimsa, or non-harming.
In sobriety, we’re still apt to make some questionable sexual choices. But at least we won’t wake up and have no idea how we wound up in bed with the person next to us.
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