“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection.”
Johann Hari
I got sober the first time in Tucson, Arizona, two days before my 30th birthday. I had a wonderful support system of like-minded women who nurtured me and helped me find my feet in early sobriety. Then after several years clean and sober, my husband and I moved to New Zealand. It was a huge move for me — away from my sister, who is also in recovery, and away from my supportive group of sober friends. I was full of grief and fear at losing my connections.
After a year or so, we started a family, I found new friends, and I felt relatively safe. But the recovery community there in our small town in New Zealand felt nothing like my Tucson group. I eventually quit going to meetings — and eventually relapsed. I didn’t feel the connection.
It took a long time to find another like-minded group of people in recovery where I felt safe, supported and connected. I finally settled into recovery again after a 13-year relapse.
Many years later, my children built their lives in Europe, literally the other side of the planet from New Zealand. I knew another big move was probably coming. After my grandson was born, I knew that move was inevitable. Living so far away was not an option, and I knew that I would have to work hard to find new connections.
Relocating to a new country is an exhilarating adventure filled with fresh experiences and opportunities for personal growth. Having made this move myself for the second time, I understand the hurdles and triumphs associated with such a dramatic change; especially while striving to maintain sobriety and create sober connections.
The move was intense and stressful, but I knew it was what I had to do. We moved to be closer to our sons and grandson. But living closer to my sons didn’t mean stepping back into the center of their lives. Of course they love my husband and me, and they want us to be a part of their lives and the life of our grandson, but we needed to start creating a new life for ourselves.
That hasn’t been easy for a lot of reasons: language, culture and meeting new people without the constructs of school community or work colleagues. And sobriety has a way of stripping away false comforts. In New Zealand, I had my home group and familiar rhythm of support. Here, I had to start from scratch — new country, new culture, new language, new community.
But recovery has also taught me how to sit with myself — how to be present without running, how to build something real from nothing. Sobriety isn’t about escaping who you were; it’s about integrating who you are, wherever you land. The challenge — and the gift — of moving abroad is being able to find that stable inner life amid total external change.
But even with that stable inner life, I still needed connection. So I started to search, create and build. Here are a few things that helped me transition, stay sober and embrace my new life:
Before setting off on a monumental move, reflect on why you want to relocate. For me, it was easy; I knew I wanted to be closer to my sons and grandson. For others, it may be to seek new opportunities, start afresh or escape past relationships and triggers. Be specific about your intentions regarding sobriety as well. Write down your goals, visualize your success and remind yourself of your commitment to stay sober. This roadmap will serve as your anchor when challenges arise.
Step 2: Research and Choose Your Destination Wisely
Choosing the right place to live can significantly impact your sobriety. My choice had to do with proximity to my children — it was not based on the availability of sober support networks. I didn’t really research much about the recovery community in Portugal, and my small town did not offer the support I yearned for. It took time, but I knew it was essential to my recovery to find that connection.
Step 3: Create a Support System
In the beginning I was lonely and scared; I was worried I wouldn’t find my tribe. And although social media can feel toxic as hell, sometimes it can be a good vehicle for connecting with new people. I reached out on forums and shouted into the void, looking for like-minded people. I really was building a new support system from scratch.
The beauty of recovery is that it transcends borders; someone, somewhere, will understand exactly what you’re going through. I eventually met a woman in recovery who introduced me to a couple more sober people, and we decided to start a new English-speaking meeting not far from where I live. The seed of this new recovery community grew. It took time and a willingness to be vulnerable as I reached out to strangers, but eventually, it did come together.
Step 4: Embrace New Activities
One of the best ways to stay sober and meet new people is to fill your time with fulfilling activities that don’t revolve around drinking. This can be hard in an expat community where many social situations involve a lot of alcohol. And if language is a problem, meeting new people can be even harder. But do reach out; I’ve been amazed at the reception I’ve received. I have indeed made new friends, created a new community, and found new and different activities. But this has involved vulnerability and taking a leap to put myself out there.
Step 5: Continue Your Recovery Journey
Make recovery a priority. I went to Zoom meetings almost exclusively until I met a few people in recovery and we started some English-speaking meetings — and I still attend Zoom meetings regularly. I vividly remember my relapse when I quit going to meetings. I won’t risk that again.
Step 6: Develop Healthy Relationships
Building new relationships is vital. Remember Hari’s quote: connection! The expat community in Portugal tends to focus a lot on wine tasting and afternoon cocktails by the pool. I had to find people who respected my sobriety and my journey.
Step 7: Practice Mindfulness and Gratitude
Adjusting to living in a new country is overwhelming! And one of the things that helped me on a daily basis was practicing mindfulness and gratitude. Mindfulness helps me stay grounded and not freak out at every new hurdle that feels insurmountable. Gratitude for this new life absolutely keeps me in a positive state of mind. Journaling has always been a great tool to help me stay grounded and positive.
Now, as the holidays approach, there’s added weight to this new journey. The holidays can be complicated for people in recovery. They carry both nostalgia and temptation — memories wrapped in glitter and loneliness; family joy, quite often mixed with chaos and grief. Again, new friends in recovery, mindfulness and gratitude have helped me traverse this new terrain. It’s challenging, but also wonderfully exciting to learn new traditions and feel the warmth and love of the holidays expressed in new ways.
Creating a new life here — new traditions not just for the holidays but for every day — is a journey unlike any other. It means living life with honesty, courage and gratitude for the second chance that sobriety and this new life have given me.
If you haven’t seen/listened to the TED Talk by Johann Hari, it is well worth your time. As people in recovery, we really need connection!
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