AKA How to Dodge a Drunken Ambush of Lips and Tongues if It’s Not Your Vibe in ‘25 (#becausedrunkneverlooksgood)
Before you think this list isn’t for you, let’s be honest: we’ve all been there. Stuck in a universal situation—especially in sobriety—where we’re super uncomfortable and wish we’d thought of something clever to say ahead of time.
Possibly the worst scenario (so I’m told) is the awkward dating life of a sober person being approached by some drunken suitor with glassy eyes, a red nose, and cabernet-soaked breath. Oh, and let’s not forget the ever-popular wine-stained grayish teeth. Picture it: they close their eyes, lean in, and … gah. Ew.
I’ve personally found that some of the best ideas come from two or more brains conspiring over a plate of nachos and Frescas.
(Pretty sure that’s science. Am I right?)
This list emerged from one such Nacho-Fresca-fueled evening, hearing the sordid tales—both triumphant and cringe-worthy—of the singles who generously shared their experiences of dating in today’s world. I’ve been married for 26 years to a non-drinker, so I don’t count. That said, any one of us could find ourselves in this situation. So, consider this list a helpful “just in case.”
Without further chatter, here they are:
1. “No thanks. I’m still recovering from my 8th-grade Lord of the Flies trauma. My inner beast can’t participate.”
2. “Sorry, this mouthwash is still in its beta-testing phase.”
3. “This isn’t Flowers for Algernon. No sudden emotional attachment allowed.”
4. “My Fitbit just notified me I burned zero calories kissing today, so … I’m gonna have to pass.”
5. “No way. My Bridge to Terabithia boundaries are non-negotiable.” (#GenX: you know you read it!)
6. “No dice. Unfortunately, my Magic 8 Ball says: ‘Outlook not promising.’”
7. “Oh no, I’m contagious. I caught a case of that new, trending illness called ‘I-don’t-wanna-kiss-you-itis.’ It’s a thing … You can look it up on the CDC website … probably.”
8. “I’d love to kiss you, but I promised my Dungeons & Dragons crew no distractions until the next campaign. I could turn into a Druid at any time.”
9. “So … I’m in the middle of a social media challenge called ‘No Makeout November’ … And December. And January. And I’m pretty sure February is included as well.”
10. “This isn’t The Goonies, and we’re not reenacting Andy and Mikey in the cave searching for One-Eyed Willy’s treasure … and tonsils.”
11. “Sorry, my Breakfast Club contract says no kisses without a fist-pump freeze-frame.”
12. “Unfortunately, my lips just signed an exclusive deal with ChapStick. No freebies!”
13. “Oh, my bad! I have a mouth fungus. For a second, I thought I was on Punk’d. I don’t see Ashton Kutcher, so … lay it on me!”
14. “My lawyer advised me against unsanctioned physical contact.”
15. “Sorry. I recently started a Ted Lasso-inspired cult, and the only thing that goes in this mouth right now is biscuits.”
16. “I would, but my lip gloss is still waiting for FDA approval. Would you like to sign a consent form?”
17. “Oh shoot—look, my 1970s mood ring is gray and turning black. Not going to happen. But maybe we can head out for fondue and some disco dancing?”
18. “I would, but I’m purging a lot of things in my quest to become a minimalist. Kissing didn’t make the cut.”
19. “I mean, did you miss the Friends episode? I don’t want any Rachel-and-Ross-level ‘we were on a break!’ drama.”
20. “I’m actually in the Witness Protection Program, and making out with randos is rule number one to avoid blowing my cover.”
21. “Sadly, I gave up kissing for Lent.”
22. “Aw, dang. I literally JUST signed a no-makeout NDA at brunch today. Crazy times!”
23. “You know what? My shift at the carnival kissing booth actually ended 15 minutes ago. I’m late for my shift over at the Tilt-a-Whirl.”
24. “Can’t. Sorry, my lips are unionized, and they’re on strike.”
25. “Actually, I’m a kiss-a-tarian. No animal products, including humans.”
And there you have it. Like the Girl Scouts taught me, always be prepared. You’re welcome.
SOBER UNBUZZED FEED: This is a collection of 25 Lists, each featuring 25 inspiring ideas, actions, and motivations to guide you towards being your best sober self in 2025.
This enlightening section is proudly presented by Sober Curator Senior Contributor Amy Liz Harrison, an accomplished author, engaging podcast host, devoted wife, and supermom of eight triumphantly living in long-term recovery (We’re talking double digits, folks!). Join us as we delve into this treasure trove of wisdom and practical advice to empower your journey toward sobriety and beyond. Follow along with Amy on IG @amylizharrison or check her out at amylizharrison.com
