It was July 2010 and even though I don’t remember the exact date, I think I’m pretty close with the time frame. I was roughly three months sober, still at the Ed Keating center in Cleveland, Ohio, and still trying to get my sober legs under me.
For anyone who doesn’t know me, I had no desire to get sober. I had a moment of desperation, I was taken to detox and then taken out to Cleveland to get sober. Don’t get me wrong by me saying that I didn’t have a desire to get sober. It did not mean that I didn’t need to get sober. I did.
It was whatever a normal day was at the Keating Center and a guy that we had become acquainted with sat down at the table across from me. I’m going to call him Andy, because I don’t remember his name. When he sat down, he confessed that he had gone out the night before, used and of course was feeling regretful. He wasn’t sure what to do, but there were rules that we needed to abide by at the Keating center — and, quite honestly, that we needed to abide by if we wanted to live a sober life.
In those circumstances — and there were many of them — the director expected the person to own up to it, the person would get kicked out, but if they got their heads straight again, usually within a couple of days the director would let them back in. I reminded Andy of that, and basically told him that he knew what he needed to do, and that was to go talk to Marty.
As expected, Marty kicked him out. What was not expected was that Andy didn’t leave and get his head straight. Instead, he went to a hotel, used and died.
I don’t remember exactly how old he was, but if I had to guess, based on my memory, I would think he was probably in his mid-20s? Regardless, he was too young to die.
Andy was the first person that I knew who died from this thing that many of us are afflicted with. I don’t remember exactly how I reacted, or responded to the event, but I do remember that I shared it with someone.
A couple of days later I had called my ex-wife back in Wisconsin to talk to her about something with our son. He was nine years old at that time and I had been away from him at that point for about three months. He still didn’t understand what my deal was and why I was away, but we explained to him that it was a health issue and I was trying to get better. I had the opportunity to explain the entire situation to him a few weeks later, but that’s a different story.
While I was talking to my ex-wife, I told her what happened to Andy and probably told her how difficult it was to even comprehend or process or whatever. What she said to me at that moment were words that have stayed with me to this day.
She said, “I’m sorry that your friend died, but just understand that this is your one chance to get yourself together. You’ve been away from your son for three months as it is, and that’s been really hard on him. I’m never going to put him through that again and I’m certainly not going to let him watch you die. This is your chance. You will not get a second chance with me or with our son.”
I remember being slightly thrown back by her words, but I wasn’t angry and I wasn’t defensive. I don’t remember what I said to her, but I know that I didn’t argue about it. I have told her several times over the last 15 years, how much her words, her direction and her support have helped me, and that I am forever grateful.
There was another friend of ours that tried to hang himself in his parents’ basement, but his dad walked in on him. Apparently he ran out of the house, got in his truck, drove to a bridge and jumped to his death.
Then there was our buddy Darrell. He bounced around, in and out of sobriety for years and just couldn’t comprehend the powerlessness that this thing had over him. I was at a meeting one night, and one of the gentlemen at the podium started talking about him and was using him as an example, and that’s how I found out that he had passed away. He had been found in his home a week or so prior, and he either drank himself or drugged himself to death.
There are also the people that we knew who died sober, and we had the pleasure of celebrating their lives and what they did for the people around them. My first sponsor passed away from pancreatic cancer when I was about two years sober. He was a really good dude, loved by many, and he had 17 years sober when he passed away.
Our buddy Dan had health problems for years and finally passed away when he was about 20 years sober. Once again, not only a good human being and a hell of a good person to the recovery community, but he was hugely important to us in early recovery.
Then there was Ray. I think Ray had about 55 years sober when he passed, and everyone knew him and everyone loved him. He actually knew Sister Ignatia. If you don’t know who she is, look her up. She played a major role in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous and worked with the founders in those early days.
The final person I want to talk about is actually the motivation behind me writing this piece. My friend Sara.
I met Sara in 2015 on a sober dating site. We hit it off right away, started spending time together and I enjoyed her more than I could even describe. She had about the same amount of time in sobriety as I did at the time (which was five years) and we had a lot in common.
I was over at her apartment one weekend on a beautiful day in mid-September. She had the windows open, the patio door open and we were just sitting on her couch shooting the breeze. Every once in a while, I thought I was getting a whiff of alcohol, but of course that didn’t make sense. I kept smelling it here and there and then I got up to use the restroom and give her a kiss. Not only did I smell the alcohol, but I could taste it.
I was in the bathroom for a few minutes, basically in disbelief. I couldn’t comprehend that she could be drinking, and I was convinced that I was somehow wrong. When I went back out to the living room, I tested it again and without a doubt, I could smell it and taste it.
I brought it up to her, told her I’m more than happy to help in any way that I could, but that now is the time for her to be honest with me and tell me what’s going on. She was surprised and she denied it. I asked her again and she continued to deny it. At that moment, I did one of the most difficult things that I had to do up to that point in my sobriety. I told her I couldn’t be around her because she was drinking and I walked out.
We were estranged for a while, for no better way to put it, but ultimately struck up a friendship again. She had her ups and downs with sobriety and ended up moving to the other side of the state a couple of years later to be closer to her family. We never really had deep discussions about sobriety in those later years, but always kept in touch and she was a person that I truly loved as a human being.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting down and eating my lunch on a random Wednesday and I was also scrolling through Facebook. I came across a collage of pictures and then saw Sara’s name and the post was talking about her good friend that had just passed away. To begin with, I thought Sara was the one that had posted it, but then realized the collage was all pictures of her. It was one of Sara’s friends that posted, and she was explaining that Sara had passed away.
I was in disbelief and frantically scrolling through the comments to try to find out what happened. I even reached out to a friend of hers later that day just to see if she had any other details. The only thing that she knew is that Sara had been found a few days prior during a wellness check, but the family wasn’t giving out any details.
I have no idea exactly what happened, but deep down I do know exactly what happened. Based on the quietness from the family, the bland obituary notice and the lack of any real details, she either drank or drugged herself to death, or she took her own life. I’ve been around this thing long enough to know that there are no other answers to be found.
This was a tough one to process, but it forced me to take a look at myself. How is my life today? Am I happy in every area of my life? How are my relationships with my family, my friends and my kids? Thankfully I can say that I am in a pretty good place. Life is never perfect, but I have a lot to be grateful for and certainly a lot to live for. Once again, I don’t know exactly what happened to Sara, or what she was dealing with or going through or where her head was at, but I can be pretty confident that she was not in a good place.
So what’s my point? It’s pretty simple actually. Life is challenging, and living a sober life — or trying to live a sober life — can be even more challenging. We have to be diligent on a daily basis, and we have to want to be sober and live sober, no matter what.
I will miss her, and I miss all of those who have fallen before her, but this takes me back to the original point of this entire story.
We need to learn from the good along with the bad.
We need to remain open and honest with ourselves and those around us.
We need to do the work. Every single day.
And we need to remember: there are no bad examples.
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