“One of the most intimate things you can do is to never speak to someone again that you love. If you really love someone, and it didn’t work out. The most intimate thing ever is to never speak to them again.” – Said some bullshit gym bro influencer on my IG feed
It’s 4 a.m. Today would’ve been the 11-year anniversary with my ex. We broke up six months ago on Easter Monday. It’s a day that is seared into my memory. And yet, since my memory is utter shit, it’s in fractured, hollow pieces now.
But the words, “I’m not happy,” echo in my mind, along with the hot sting of my tears and the ache in my chest as he just… left. No conversation. No debate. His mind had already been made up. And despite my attempts to beg and plead, he never returned to our shared apartment. To this day, most of his things are still here in the spare bedroom that once was his office.
What I know now that I didn’t know then was that he had been planning his escape for a while. Meticulously. He made the move that I never could.
We met on OkCupid back when I was fresh out of college and I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I knew nothing.
On October 21, we began our game of digital ping pong, and by October 28, we had our first date. We met at a Gregory’s Coffee near City Hall. It wasn’t until we walked past those steps that I thought I could see a future with him. It was the first time I’d met someone who was as broken as me. I felt seen. By Halloween, we decided to be exclusive.
It was a whirlwind. Every year for our anniversary, we celebrated the entire week — though for me, it was always the 28th. For him, the 31st. The first of many subtle, but damning differences.
We built a world of our own: LadyCat and HumanMan. We were always better friends than we were lovers, living inside our own whimsical comic strip where anything felt possible. For a while, it worked. Until it didn’t, and we ignored it as long as we could.
But real life seeped in. His mother’s illness. My depression. His dreams of entrepreneurship and many failed ventures. Our time living with his parents was a pressure cooker, destined to either burst or swallow us whole.
We stayed because it was easier. We stayed because it was familiar. We stayed because we didn’t know how to leave.
And then, he did.
About two weeks after the breakup, I remember messaging our mutual friend Harrison: “I want to extend him grace. It’s what you do when you love someone, ya know? And now I just have to figure out what to do with all that love. It doesn’t just disappear, ya know?”
For weeks — and to a certain extent, now — I’ve been checking in on my ex. Mainly to see how his family is doing, how his mental state is, and that he has support. I don’t expect him to do the same for me. But when you spend a decade of your life with someone, the care you have for them doesn’t just disappear.
I think it transforms into something different. The law of conservation states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed — it can only be transformed from one form to another. I would like to believe that the energy and care that went into our relationship can transform into a friendship at some point down the road.
For a long time, I thought I was waiting for him to return. That I would wake up from this nightmare and everything would go back to normal. But then, I would roll over in bed and be greeted by the adorable face of my cat, Eve, and would realize that this was my new reality.
I slowly came to learn that letting go doesn’t come all at once. It comes in fragments. A moment of clarity here, a pang of nostalgia there. It comes in the empty space where someone’s laugh used to echo, in the quiet realization that you no longer know their rhythms or routines.
Now, on what would have been our 11th anniversary, I’m learning how to sit with the emptiness he left. To hold space for that love without needing a place to put it.
Because that’s the quiet truth about heartbreak: the love doesn’t disappear when they do. It lingers. It reshapes itself. It moves from being an offering to them into a gift you give back to yourself.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s this: what’s good for someone else’s heart might not be good for you. What’s there at the start of a relationship might not be there in the end. And sometimes, the hardest but most freeing act of love is to let go.
So I’m here. On the other side. Not healed, not triumphant, but quietly whole. I’ve learned to live without what I thought I needed.
And maybe that’s the point. These past few months, I have learned to smile again. I have forged friendships that I can’t imagine living without. I have applied for a master’s program to become a therapist. I have hosted dinner parties, driven to cities I’ve never been to before, started up a new job and met countless new people who have touched my life in ways I cannot even begin to vocalize.
I even hosted a Break Free — something I started with my ex — with the help of Claire Comai. I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to continue on. But here I am, still standing after feeling as if my entire world was crumbling around me.
I was so afraid that if I started dating again, I would relapse. And I am so grateful that I found a home group that kept me in check during this time of transition in my life; and to my therapist, Brian.
I am also grateful to my ex for allowing me to feel like myself again by setting me free. I know that there is no longer a world in which we will go through life together. I believe that your purpose in my life was to be a lesson. And I want to spend some time unpacking them.
First and foremost, you taught me that I need to believe in myself and to trust my gut. Break Free will continue; Claire and I are already cooking up a show for February.
You also taught me not to be ashamed of being myself. Even when I wanted to cower away and hide from the world, you always embraced my more flashy side. And finally, thank you for teaching me how to be a friend — and to show up for them.
I hope you can find the love and success you are looking for. For anyone who is going through a breakup, I know it is so easy to find your anger. But will that truly serve you? For me, going through the process with a grateful heart has been more healing for my journey. It probably would’ve been easier to find my anger, but unpacking these lessons has allowed me to move on and to find clarity and calm among the storm.
Call 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It provides free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week for people in suicidal crisis or distress. You can learn more about its services here, including its guide on what to do if you see suicidal language on social media. You can also call that number to talk to someone about how you can help a person in crisis. For crisis support in Spanish, call 1-888-628-9454.
For support outside of the US, a worldwide directory of resources and international hotlines is provided by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. You can also turn to Befrienders Worldwide.
Help is Available
If you or someone you love is living with substance use, alcohol misuse, a co-occurring, or a behavioral health disorder, there is hope. The Break Free Foundation aids individuals seeking recovery through the Break Free Scholarship Fund. It sends anyone who lacks the financial resources to attend a recovery center to do so at low to no cost.
Review our Treatment Locator Tool to find the right program near you, as well as our list of Hotlines and Helplines. Click here for a list of regional and national resources. On this road to recovery, no one is alone. We are all in this together.
The Sober Curator’s MENTAL HEALTH + WELLNESS section is your go-to guide for nurturing emotional well-being—especially for those in recovery. Explore resources, expert insights, and personal stories that connect the dots between mental health, sobriety, and self-care. From managing anxiety and depression to building mindfulness and emotional resilience, we provide practical tools and inspiration to help you thrive alcohol-free. By fostering open, stigma-free conversations, we empower our community to make emotional wellness a cornerstone of long-term recovery.
Dedicated columns on this TSC channel:
- Codependency – Insights & Recovery with Sober Curator Contributor Dr. Sarah Michaud
- Financial Sobriety – with Sober Curator Contributor Greg Downs, author of the forthcoming book 12 Steps to Financial Sobriety, and leader of The Sober Money Club financial support group.
- Mastering Mental Fitness with Sober Curator Contributor James Gwinnett
- Mental Health – Emotional Wellness in Recovery
- Relationships – Love, Connection & Boundaries in Sobriety
- Sober Poetry – Recovery in Verse
- Speak Out! Speak Loud! – Stories & Creative Expression in Recovery
- Spiritual Substance – Mindfulness, Science & Soul with Senior Sober Curator Contributor Lane Kennedy
- Wellness As A Way of Life – Sustainable Health for Powerful Women with Senior Sober Curator Contributor Megan Swan
Sometimes life gets really shitty. Resources are available. Please use them if you need them.
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
If your life or someone else’s is in imminent danger, please call 911. If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call: 988.
