Parenting is hard. It is a miracle if we can get a reprieve from projecting our endless, unresolved childhood crap onto our kids. And it’s pretty unlikely. You may not want to know this, but this is Parenting. My son’s high school years were way more painful for me than for him because I was reliving the most hideous part of my childhood. I was close to vomiting from anxiety when he went off to the high school prom. Because of my prom. Not his.
I specialize in helping people recognize their codependent behaviors, not to engage in them as a mode of parenting. What are these behaviors? The answer is any behavior inspired by fear. Isn’t this parenting? For example, I’ve seen parents not want to set a limit for a three-year-old because it is too hard- the child may get upset. But is it really about the child getting upset or the parent feeling discomfort when the child is upset? Yes, it IS HARD. But it will be much harder when they are 16, and they are about to steal the car for the third time because they’ve never heard no.
I’m passionate about this topic. I see both the pain of parents and kids when things aren’t clear. When parents take out all their unresolved anger, fear, shame, disappointment, and guilt on their kids, it hurts everyone. I also believe we love our kids; most of this behavior is unconsciously driven. How to parent is up to the parents, not how the kids behave. Period. Ok, get mad at me.
1) The first step is being aware of your own internal states.
Be responsible for what is happening inside of you. Most of the time, we are managing our own anxiety, but it is ours. Begin to notice what your go-to behaviors are when you are afraid– Do you yell? Control? Avoid? Escape? Give in? Just notice what you do, that’s it.
2) Let your kid have their feelings.
It is not our job to take away our child’s feelings, but to be present – to be a witness and a safe place for them. But when your 13-year-old is running around the house for 10 minutes screaming because he didn’t get a video game, it may be time to say– enough. Balance.
3) Forgive yourself for past behavior.
Guilt does us absolutely no good. It just gives us more reason to feel crappy and continue trying to escape from our own feelings. Time to move on. Overcompensating because of past behavior does not help your child; it just confuses them. Be clear. Overdoing it with parties, gifts, awards, too many activities, and always needing to entertain them does not give kids a chance just to be.
4) It’s not about you, it’s all about you.
What kids say to you is not about you; it is about their process and their experience. How you respond, how you behave, and what you say are all about you.
5) Don’t over-explain.
There is no discussion of options with a two-year-old. Just pick them up and take them out of the restaurant. Don’t tell your teenager to take out the garbage 20 times. Say it once or twice, and then say the consequence. Period. If you’re asking your child to do something 20 times, it is no longer about the child; it is about you. Remember, it’s much easier to follow through with a boundary than deal with the consequence of the ultimate escalation.
6) Stop being a control freak.
If you try to control your kids, they will end up resenting you. Control is about our own fear. Let your child have consequences for their behaviors. If they didn’t study for the test in 9th grade, don’t stay up studying with them all night. Let them fail. I know it’s hard. What will people think? Will they get into that college you want them to get into? Maybe, maybe not. It is not the end of the world, even though it may feel like it.
7) Your kids are not supposed to be your best friends.
If you don’t have a best friend to complain to, talk to, vent to – then find one. Our kids don’t want to hear our problems, so they take them somewhere else.
8) Deal with your own anger. Be aware of what activates you.
What is it that your child does that really pisses you off and enrages you? This is about your history being played out in the present. Become aware of this and work it out. Taking out our rage on our kids hurts everyone.
9) If you’re holding on to your child, you need to let them go.
Let them grow and become their own humans. It is not their job to make us happy. Ouch. I know, right? It is only their job to make themselves happy.
10) Do the best you can.
No guilt. No shame. No self-pity. Just do the best you can. Your kid will know.
This isn’t about judgment. I’ve made many parenting mistakes and I know I’ve done the absolute best I can. I also know I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes my parents made– lack of awareness, addiction, avoidance, anger, and drama. I also know they did the best they could with the tools they had. Nobody is perfect; awareness is the most critical step. It’s challenging to be right in the middle–not too controlling and not too passive. Just do your best. Healing your old wounds is about you being free and being a better parent. Give yourself this gift of freedom. You and your child will be happier.
LEAVING CRAZYTOWN: Welcome to Leaving CrazyTown YouTube channel created by Dr. Sarah Michaud and Finn Allen dedicated to helping individuals navigate the ups and downs of life, including the struggle with codependency. Through their personal experiences and expertise in mental health, they offer unfiltered insights and strategies to help viewers overcome challenges and lead more fulfilling lives. Their videos cover topics such as anxiety, depression, relationships, self-improvement, and much more. This channel is for anyone looking for guidance and motivation to improve their mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. Join the Leaving CrazyTown community today and take the first step towards a happier and healthier life.
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3 Comments
Love, love, LOVE practical guidance delivered with candor, born of experience, and plated with compassion. Solid gold truth nuggets in this article. Thank you, Sober Curator, for highlighting this delightful doc!
Thanks for this amazing article Dr. Sarah! Number 8 hit home!
Thank you for this amazing article, Dr. Sarah! #8 hit home!