Sobriety doesn’t just stop at putting down the drink. For many of us, the harder work begins when the noise quiets and we’re left with ourselves. That’s where codependency sneaks in—the subtle, often invisible ways we dismiss our own needs in the name of keeping peace, keeping love, or keeping people.
“The minute I began to worry more about my husband than myself, I lost the connection to me.”
Dr. Sarah Michaud, PsyD
In a recent episode of Eternally Amy, I sat down with psychologist and author Dr. Sarah Michaud, PsyD, who has spent over 30 years treating addiction and codependency. Her book, Co-Crazy, pulls back the curtain on how deeply ingrained this pattern can be—even for someone with decades of sobriety, Al-Anon experience, and professional expertise.
What struck me most in our conversation is how fear often hides underneath the surface. The fear of being misunderstood. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being safe. Sometimes it shows up as irritation in a bar line when no non-alcoholic drinks are available. Sometimes it’s a childhood memory that resurfaces when we watch our own kids navigate friendship drama.
Dr. Sarah reminded me that the core of codependency is fear. And fear is sneaky—it convinces us to say “yes” when we want to say “no,” to focus on fixing others instead of tending to ourselves, to eat the ham sandwich when what we really want is turkey.
I shared a story from my own recovery about carrying Pellegrino to events in early sobriety. Fifteen years later, I don’t need the security blanket of bottled water, but I still feel that twinge of fear when I’m the only one without a drink in hand. The truth? Two things can be true at once: I can feel unsafe and know I’m okay. That paradox is recovery in motion.
Dr. Sarah told her own story of buying a $200 “fancy food basket” because she couldn’t bring herself to say, “Actually, I wanted something smaller.” That moment—tiny on the surface—perfectly illustrates the cost of dismissing ourselves. When we silence our voice, even for a stranger, we reinforce the belief that everyone else matters more.
But here’s the irony: focusing on others doesn’t actually help them. It only creates distance. True connection comes when we honor our own needs first.
As a mom of eight, I see this daily in parenting. My instinct is to save my kids from every painful experience I endured, to swoop in and shield them from rejection or exclusion. But the truth is, my fears aren’t always their fears. My wounds aren’t their wounds. And if I let fear run the show, I risk robbing them of the chance to grow resilient in their own way.
So what’s the way out of codependency? Dr. Sarah is clear: speak up. Name the feeling. Share the need. Refuse to dismiss yourself, even in small ways. It’s uncomfortable, yes—but it’s also where freedom begins.
At the end of the day, recovery is less about controlling others and more about choosing yourself. It’s about forgiving the kid who excluded her friend, the mom who can’t do it all, the woman who sometimes still says “sure” when she means “no.” It’s about laying your head down at night and knowing: I showed up for me today.
And that, friends, is enough.
???? Listen to the full episode with Dr. Sarah Michaud, PsyD
#QUITLIT: Co-Crazy: One Psychologist’s Recovery from Codependency and Addiction by Sarah Michaud, PsyD
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1 Comment
Wonderful interview. Sarah is a wealth of information! So many gems in this article and interview! ‘The core of co-dependency is fear’ – Absolutely!
‘The irony – focusing on others doesn’t help them, it creates distance.’ I have been sober for many years, but my codependency is absolutely an ongoing project!
Thank you for this.