I never set out to be a drug dealer, let alone an addict. I was smart — a straight-A student, an athlete, even part of the gifted program. But life had a way of pulling me into the shadows. Selling drugs wasn’t just about money; it was survival, validation and a twisted sense of belonging.
Walking away? That felt impossible. No job would hire me, but in my world, I was treated like a goddess. The fast cash, the power, the sense of importance — it was addictive. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t just hooked on the drugs. I was addicted to the hustle itself.
The Allure of the Hustle
I started stealing my mom’s drugs at 14. By 15, she was stealing mine. She was always high, always in need, and I quickly learned that her desperation was an opportunity. It wasn’t long before I moved beyond weed to harder drugs, and suddenly, I wasn’t just a user — I was the one people relied on.
It felt good to be needed. It made me feel important, even if I knew deep down they only wanted what I had in my pockets. That didn’t matter. In their eyes, I wasn’t invisible anymore. I mattered.
Selling a Sense of Belonging
Jail was inevitable, but I wasn’t afraid. Even behind bars, I found ways to keep the hustle alive. I smuggled drugs in, detoxed girls in exchange for favors and maintained my status. I always had something to offer.
Even after I got out, I couldn’t let go. The thought of a nine-to-five job, scraping by on minimum wage, was unbearable. I wasn’t just selling drugs; I was selling a sense of belonging. And in my mind, walking away meant losing everything that made me relevant.
The Cost of Staying in the Cycle
The hustle gave me freedom, but it also took everything from me — my relationships, my self-worth, my sanity. I wasn’t just running a business; I was running from my pain. The paranoia, the constant fear of getting caught, the betrayals — I numbed it all with the very thing I sold.
I still flinch when I hear a knock at the door. My kids jump with me. Trauma lingers. The streets took so much from me, and I gave willingly because, for years, I believed I had nothing else.
Breaking Free
Leaving wasn’t easy. It meant confronting everything I had buried — the abandonment, the shame, the self-hatred. It meant redefining my value outside of what I could provide. It meant learning to be OK without the rush, the power, the false sense of importance.
Today, I am a mother, a homeowner, an entrepreneur. I channel my ambition into something real — something that doesn’t come with handcuffs or funerals. It’s not easy. Some days, I still crave the chaos. But I’ve learned that real freedom isn’t in the hustle — it’s in breaking the cycle.
For anyone still caught in that life, know this: You are more than your past. You don’t have to keep proving yourself to people who wouldn’t notice if you disappeared. There is another way. And when you’re ready, you’ll find it.
If this story resonates with you, let’s connect. You’re not alone. There’s a whole world waiting for you beyond the hustle.
Final Thoughts
It’s very clear that I wasn’t just addicted to drugs — I was addicted to the hustle, the fast money and the illusion of power it gave me. It felt like the best thing I had going for me, which says something. But in reality, it was costing me everything — my freedom, homes, cars, property, relationships, lives and my own sanity. Not to mention the many brushes with serious injury or death, and there were quite a few.
The hustle was a trap disguised as opportunity, and breaking free from it has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I have 20 years of failures/lessons to prove it. Today, I am a professional coach. I have two beautiful children. I own a home with a valuation of $350,000. I am a crypto enthusiast and investor (self-taught). I have a freaking stock portfolio! I am the founder of my blog, Progressing Not Perfecting, and somehow, I became someone who genuinely loves life no matter what it throws at me.
I was always the one that would “… turn up dead next.” You have no idea what a miracle my life has become. Like I always say, if you believe, you receive. You’d do good to remember this on your journey. An open mind never hurt anyone, but a closed one has turned wisdom away at the door, along with thousands of missed opportunities.
For anyone out there caught up in the game, I want you to know that there is another way. The lifestyle might seem like the only thing keeping you afloat, but I promise you, it’s not. Don’t worry if NA/AA isn’t your thing; don’t lose hope because I will have nine years sober on March 18, 2025, and this was my first attempt in 20 years without utilizing AA/NA. It does work for hundreds of thousands of people, and I am all about it, but for those of us who always ended up selling at meetings — we don’t need it.
There are treatment options, support services and people who genuinely want to see you win — without the need for illegal drugs, deception, shame, regret or self-destruction. The first step is the scariest, but it’s also the most important thing you can do for yourself. You must BELIEVE you can … and YOU WILL.
Leaving behind the world of drug dealing doesn’t mean giving up on success; it means redefining it. It’s about learning how to deal with stressful situations without allowing them to trigger you, about finding real fulfillment beyond the rush of your hustle. It’s about addressing your mental health issues because we all have them; building healthy relationships because they do exist; and believing that you’re capable of more than what the streets have led you to believe, because you absolutely are.
If my story resonates with you, this is the sign you’ve been looking for. A sign that change is possible. Whether you’re a young person just starting out or someone who’s been in the game for a long time (as I was), know that it’s never too late to make a different choice. Seek professional support, lean on family members and most importantly, believe in yourself — even if it feels impossible.
For me, every day is a reminder that I don’t need to buy people’s love or attention, that I don’t need to hustle to feel valuable, and that the real work is finding that value within myself. Though it’s a journey filled with ups and downs, it’s been the best way to reclaim my life. One of the most beneficial and rewarding things that I never imagined would be a part of my recovery is altruism. Helping people is what I live for. I do it every day and in every way, and somehow it’s working. I couldn’t be more grateful.
If you’re struggling with a substance abuse problem, being reintegrated into the community from jail, dependent on illegal substances, or just feeling like you’re stuck in a cycle you can’t escape, know that there is help available and people do care. Reach out for emotional support, explore your next step and don’t let your past experiences define your future.
The right thing isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it.
If This Post…
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Post Off Quote
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
Helen Keller
Post Off Affirmation
There are many lessons behind me, but I am not defined by my past; I am determined, heading towards the beauty of my future.
More posts by Samantha:
- My Life as a Female Drug Dealer Just Trying to Support My Habit
- What Your “Friends” Don’t Tell You Before Helping You Become a Heroin Addict
- Why You Lost All Your Friends When You Got Sober
- We Do Recover and We Prove Them All Wrong
- How to Keep Going After Losing Someone to Overdose
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1 Comment
Such an awesome article about hope, transformation, possibility and finding a new life. So many great insights on the underlying emotional needs getting met by these behaviors and how to shift that to a wonderful, fulfilling, rewarding, connected ..space..Also about new journeys in recovery and what works for one person, may not work for another! Great job Samantha! I related to all of it, especially the hustle and lifestyle, “ redefining my value outside of what I could provide” powerful words
Thank you!