Staying in the moment is something I work on every day. Practicing mindfulness makes everything more manageable, less stressful, and more fulfilling. It forces me to slow down. It allows me to appreciate what’s right in front of me. It fosters deeper and more meaningful connections with my family, friends, and co-workers. On the other hand, staying in the moment screws up my ability to multitask. It throws a wrench in the otherwise organized chaos I’ve always disguised as productivity and ambition.

While I’ve been living in the moment, quite a few things have fallen by the wayside lately. I haven’t been to the gym in about five months. I haven’t streamed on Twitch in weeks, and it’s been a hot minute since my last post.

Those three things are things that I love to do. All of them have been an essential part of my recovery. Staying fit makes me feel good about myself. Streaming is fun. I get to entertain and be creative while interacting with a community I love. Writing is cathartic. It forces me to take inventory of myself, conjures up memories and feelings I haven’t thought about in ages, and allows me to be vulnerable and honest. Getting things out of my head and onto the screen has always been good therapy.

I tend to be hard on myself. I beat myself up when I’m not paying attention to the things I like to do. It feels like I’m being lazy or making excuses for pushing those other things aside. I’ve always set the bar high. I take things to the extreme. If I’m not accomplishing everything I set out to do, I’m a failure or not good enough.

I should have hit the gym instead of sleeping in, streamed last night instead of getting lobster rolls with my wife and written a blog post instead of watching that episode of The Golden Bachelorette with my daughter.

I tell myself that eating a sleeve of Mega-Stuff Oreos is not exercise. You’re turning into a hairy potato. You’re not funny anymore. No one will watch your stream now that you’ve been gone for so long. You’ll never be inspired to write again.

You’re lazy.

You suck.

Get off your ass and do something!

I think that I shouldn’t feel this way now that I’m sober. I should be able to handle a little bit of everything. I shouldn’t be making excuses. I should find the time for all of it.

I’m constantly should-ing all over myself. I should myself all day long. I’m covered with should from head to toe, and it stinks.

What I should do is take it easy on myself. I should take a breath and relax. I should give myself credit. I should remind myself that it’s ok to slow down. These things I love to do shouldn’t be a burden. It’s a blessing that my life is so busy and full. When I was drinking, my world was so much smaller, and now it’s so huge that I can’t possibly do it all. That’s a good thing. Giving myself space to enjoy one thing at a time isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a form of self-care. Sleeping in can be self-care. Eating a sleeve of Mega-Stuff Oreos is sometimes self-care. Taking a hiatus from writing might be exactly what I need to recharge.

So, I will try to stop should-ing all over myself and trust that things will always come and go in waves. Nothing is permanent. I will stay in the moment, which is such a gift for someone like me.

I should do that.

SOBER NOT SUBTLE: Sobriety without the Sugarcoat is a new blog by Jason Mayo. Formerly known as If It Hurts, It Helps, Sober Not Subtle picks up where IIHIH left off, serving as a raw, honest, and humorous account of Mayo’s recovery journey.

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