As I sit here in the passenger seat of my partner of nine year’s car, I am watching route 80 blur into the background as we leave the stark quite of the Poconos to return to the hustle and the bustle of the city. I have some fabulous stilettos to fill for this column, however, I am but a mere guest who will be popping in here from time to time.
Who am I?
I am LadyCat, a fashion designer based in NYC and founder of the Break Free Foundation, which my friend and colleague, Kate Vitela, has written about a number of times. We provide scholarships for individuals struggling with substance use disorders to attend an inpatient and outpatient center at low to no cost to them. Our claim to fame is our Recovery on the Runway programming during NYFW (New York Fashion Week), where we have peers walk the runway and showcase their designs.
I have been busy organizing our first annual Gala, which at the time of writing this is a week and a half away. However, I first had to return home. As a designer, it is hard to not have your personal life effect your work or to become an inspiration for the current collection. I thought this anthology collection for the gala I have been working towards would be a light hearted knod to my years of struggling with anxiety. Instead, it has become an answer to “how do you grieve someone when they are still here?”
An isolated existence…
Growing up in the Poconos, well, Bushkill, was an isolated existence. After my father passed, my Mother cut off all ties with our family. So we spent our summers home, since it was too far of a trek to go visit my friends since most of them lived 45 minutes away. We lived on the top of a mountain with only a handful of neighbors.
One summer, I was asked by my neighbors to watch their cats, Tinker and Bell (who were brother and sister). They would be going away on a cruise and needed someone to feed the birds and watch their cats for a few weeks. It was my first job, and also my first time having a place to go that wasn’t my house. This started a friendship, that became family.
For one of the first times in my life, I was pushed to follow my dreams and encouraged to follow my gut. I had always second guessed myself and never felt like I had any autonomy in my life. But when I spent time with my neighbors, I imagined what it would have been like if I had had grandparents. Sage advice was passed onto me. I learned how to crochet, and how to knit, and made my first doll with my surrogate Grandmother.
I gained business advice and learned how to file my taxes from my surrogate grandfather, and how to assert myself, something young Alex was not even remotely familiar with. They helped to shape and mold me into the person I am today. Giving me a love I had never experienced before.
One last memory
Today, we are driving back from one of the final memories we will make together. My surrogate grandfather is dying of cancer. And knowing this fact, this preliminary feeling of overwhelming grief and guilt has poured into my work. And wanting to find a way to thank the man who has been there for me, and loved and nurtured me in moments when I thought I was unlovable, is extraordinarily painful.
When I lost my father, I watched him slowly wither away and die for a year. But as a child, I didn’t understand then, what I know now – which is that watching someone who is strong, independent, and has a laugh that can fill up a room now struggle for breath is an experience that changes you.
It’s time to say goodbye
This collection is in many ways a goodbye. It is a goodbye to the designer I was five years ago, and a closing of a chapter in my design language. It is a bittersweet moment, but I feel a change brewing inside of me. A desire to push myself to create in a way that I haven’t before. To test my skills and learn new techniques.
This collection is also my way of thanking my grandparents for teaching me how to be an artist, how to form a business, how to believe in my abilities, and how to push on even when in your head you are begging yourself to just give up.
Pete, I don’t know if you will ever read this. But I want to take this time to thank you in the only language I know how, which is through my work as a designer. A few of the pieces I created transform from one state to another to show the progression of not only my work, but the lasting impact you have had on my life.
The blacks and mourning silhouettes fade into rich golds to show a life fulfilled and a legacy left behind. Thank you for helping mold me into who I am today. I will spend the rest of my life finding ways to honor you and Barb. I hope I make you proud.
Fashion is my way to cope
I don’t know if I have answered the question of grieving someone whose time here is limited, but I know I have found a way to honor them. For me, fashion has always been my way of expressing myself. Every frame a painting, every fiber a gown.
It is hard to explain how when I am angry, I sew with chiffon because it humbles me and is a battle to get the fabric to bend to my will, or how when I am in an uplifted mood, I sew with silk crepe because of how you can shape and mold it into exciting new ways and everytime I work with it, it’s as if I am working on a new sculpture. Every turn of the fabric on the dress form resulting in something new. Watching it drape and fold and having my imagination spring to life.
Grief and fashion have always had a complex relationship. Back in the 18th century we had – what I feel – was a culture of mourning fashion. In the Victorian era there were two main stages of grief that lasted roughly four years known as full mourning and half mourning. This period of time is why we now wear black today, prior to that traditional funeral clothing was white if you were a commoner or purple if you were well to do.
A brief history on mourning fashion
However, black as a color for mourning dates back to the Roman Empire, when the toga pulla, made of dark-colored wool, was worn during mourning. It was in the Georgian era that black became more recognized as a mourning color not reserved for only the royals. This is in part thanks to Queen Victoria, who when her husband Prince Albert died in 1861, wore black clothing for the next 40 years of her life. This widely influenced black as a textile and lowered the price because the demand was so high for this shade.
The Victorian Age is often considered the most elaborate for mourning dress. There were strict cultural rules and expectations for how women, in particular, dressed while mourning. This included the lengths of time they should be mourning.
The entire Victorian era widow’s ensemble was known as “Widow’s Weeds.” It included full dress for every possible occasion. Women were expected to mourn for up to 4 years (wild right?) and go through both full mourning and half mourning, at which point lavender and other muted colors could be introduced into the wardrobe.
Abandoning societal pressures on mourning dress at the time would show disrespect to the dead or sexual promiscuity (gasp!).
Today, most people will wear black to a funeral, but then go back to their regular clothing. For my collection, I gave subtle nods to mourning dress and its evolution with my own twist by adding in golden and navy accents. You can view the full collection at iamladycat.com.
SOBRIETY IN THE CITY: Break Free Fashion Show + Gala 2023 (thesobercurator.com)
Break Free
The Break Free Foundation advocates to end the stigma of mental health, co-occurring disorders, and substance use disorders for those to and through recovery. We provide those who lack the funds to seek behavioral health and rehabilitation services with scholarships through our semi-annual Break Free NYFW runway fundraiser. We also offer monthly virtual events and hope to offer support groups online soon.
A Disco Ball is Hundreds of Pieces of Broken Glass, Put Together to Make a Magical Ball of Light. You are NOT Broken, Friend. You are a DISCO BALL!
Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
