Somewhere along the way, I think many of us got the message that our lives would get better if we could just become better versions of ourselves. More disciplined. More productive. More organized. More mindful. More healed.
I fell hard into the DIY self-help trap during the pandemic. There was so much content. So many courses to take, books to read, podcasts to listen to, habits to build. Everyone seemed to have a system, a morning routine, or a list of things I could do to improve myself. And honestly, I was just trying to hold onto my sanity.
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with wanting to grow or change. I’ve learned a tremendous amount from books and courses and other people’s work. But at some point, the endless quest to become a better version of yourself starts sending a different message: who you are right now isn’t quite enough.
Add in the endless suck that is social media and the health and wellness industry for women, and it becomes almost impossible to escape. We’re constantly fed the carefully curated lives of others while our own life looks like an unhinged mess at the moment. There are morning routines we should follow, supplements we should take, products we must have, carefully curated lists of books to read, places to travel, foods to eat, and clothes to wear. There is always something else we could be doing to become better.
And then comes the spiral of comparison. Their house, their body, their career, their vacation, their beautiful fucking smoothie. Meanwhile, we’re looking around at our own lives wondering why we can’t seem to get our shit together. But comparison doesn’t make our lives bigger. It keeps us small and sheltered.
I think sobriety can have its own version of this. In the beginning, so much energy goes into not drinking. We change routines, break with parts of our old lives, and learn how to navigate dinners and holidays and friendships and Friday nights differently. And then eventually, there can be this strange in-between. You’ve broken with the old life, but you’re not quite sure what the new one looks like yet. Life can feel surprisingly small there.
I think that’s one of the parts of sobriety we don’t talk about enough. Removing alcohol creates space, but space isn’t the same thing as a life. At some point, the question starts to shift from How do I stay sober? to What do I want to be sober for?
Maybe we don’t need another project designed to make us better. Maybe we need to make our lives bigger.
And by bigger, I don’t mean busier. I don’t mean more impressive, more expensive, more productive, more stamps in your passport, or more things crossed off a bucket list. A bigger life might actually be slower.
It might mean more curiosity, more connection, more creativity, more time outside. More adventure and more solitude. More laughter. More trying things you’re terrible at. More afternoons that don’t produce anything at all. It might mean taking a different way home, going somewhere alone, calling someone you miss, making something with your hands, signing up for the weird class, getting on the bike, sitting beside the lake, or following something simply because you’re curious about where it leads.
None of it has to lead anywhere.
What if, instead of constantly asking What do I need to work on?, we started asking: What makes me feel alive?
Maybe the work isn’t always becoming better. Maybe sometimes the work is becoming more alive.
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UNPOLISHED PRACTICE: A Bigger Life Page
Grab a sketchbook or a piece of paper and set a timer for three to five minutes. Start with:
I feel most alive when…
Keep going. Don’t try to make it profound. Write down whatever comes to mind. When the timer goes off, look back over what you’ve written and circle three words or phrases that have some energy for you.
Then stop writing.
Grab some magazines, paint, markers, scraps of paper, glue — whatever you have nearby — and start building a page around those three things.
Don’t worry about finding literal images. If you circled adventure, you don’t need to find a mountain. Maybe adventure is orange. Maybe it’s torn paper. Maybe it’s someone’s hands. Maybe it’s the word GO in enormous letters across the page.
Follow what catches your attention. Layer things. Cover things up. Tear things apart. Paint over something you don’t like. Let the page change as you make it.
Don’t make a vision board for the life you think you should want. Make a page that feels like being alive.
When you’re finished, look at what you’ve made and ask yourself one question:
What is asking for more room in my life?
You don’t need a plan for it yet. Just notice the spark.
LIFESTYLE: Unpolished – A Bi-Weekly Creative Practice for Sober & Sober-Curious Women
#ADDTOCART: Six Years In, We Made You a Mixtape | The Sober Curator Celebrates Six Year Anniversary
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Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
