If you’re here because you’re sober (or if you still drink), then at one point, you have been in a group of friends and probably played something similar to Never Have I Ever…If you’re not familiar, Never Have I Ever is the revealing game where someone states something they’ve never done. i.e., slept with someone on the first date, had a one-night stand, masturbated in public, etc. If you, the player, have done that, you have to drink. This is a great game to play with alcoholics since most of us have done some crazy shit, but I digress.
Over the years, I have been involved in this game many times. There is one instance in which I always drank, and it always surprised people and warranted a story. It usually goes something like this: “Never have I ever faked an orgasm.” A woman announces, clearly lying. All the other women drink and then look at me in disbelief as I drink, too. “Wait, what? How?” Women and men alike gawk at me as if I can produce fake semen and fool everyone.
Shame and guilt
This is usually when I have to launch into a shameful story filled with guilt, sex, DUIs, and property damage. For the sake of legality and statute of limitations, I’ll leave out some of it as I recap that story here. The short version of the story goes something like this:
When I was 22 years old, I was wasted and living in Los Angeles. I worked with a girl I knew was very into me, and I knew I was very much not into her. Regardless of our less than mutual attraction to each other, in my drunken state one night, I decided I would take advantage of how she felt for me and call her up for sex.
Horny and drunk
Horny and drunk, I made my way over to her apartment, but before I got there, I crashed my car. She showed up, used her AAA card, and got me towed. She took me back to my place, where I proceeded to have sex with her, all the while thinking I was doing her a favor since she liked me and I didn’t like her. It was going for a time, and I decided I wanted it to be over because I wasn’t attracted to her, and I was the kind of drunk that would have me lasting all night anyway. So, I did what I knew had been done to me a million times before. I faked it. I held firm and moaned and faked an orgasm. Of course, like all things done under the influence, I felt like shit about it and always have. But now, being sober, I have started to reflect on the bummer that is a drunken boner.
Drinking with a dick
Drinking with a dick can get you into all sorts of shitty situations. Most alcoholic men have a story about the affectionately named “Whiskey Dick, ” more medically known as alcohol-related erectile dysfunction. It’s never a good balance when the thing you used to get you the confidence to talk to the girl is the same thing that takes away your ability to perform with her. To add to this, if you’re an alcoholic, you are already familiar with shame, and with the lack of open conversations around sex between men adds to it.
Then you have the problem of not having a problem. A drunk guy with a hard dick that’s ready, willing, and able to make mistakes that could fuck up everything else in his life. Whether your story involves cheating on your partner, ruining a friendship, or just being unsafe with a stranger. As someone with an alcohol-use disorder, these things can happen all too easily. They can make you wish you had some erectile issue, so at least something outside of your control (in this case, your limp dick) could stop you from making a dumb choice.
So, in light of Valentine’s Day and being sober, let’s flip that script and go from a drunk boner (big bummer) to a sober boner (hooray?). Everything I’ve mentioned so far is all very avoidable, and instead of sex being another thing on your list of shit that’s making you feel bad, you can enjoy it, be good at it, be honest about it, and maybe best of all: present for it.
Remove alcohol and then what?
Removing alcohol from the equation, as most of us know, is only one step in the proverbial steps of sobriety. Personally, I am not a 12-stepper, but I think there’s much more to sobriety than simply quitting drinking. You have to deal with your shit and work through a lifetime of issues you have likely been avoiding or numbing to get by on a day-to-day basis. This is where the really hard work comes into play, and unless you’re comfortable talking about it with a professional, there are sexual issues you may never address.
Remember, most of us are addicts in some way or another, and that shit is built into our processing. I have watched so many people replace one addiction with another. Don’t get me wrong, you’re much better off playing video games for 8 hours a day than you are doing heroin, but you’re still avoiding and numbing. You have to dig into why you were doing the behavior in the first place if you want to begin to move past it. With social media, video games, and pornography, it’s almost too easy to replace one addiction with another. Still, if we stay aware and monitor our behaviors, we can avoid a slippery slope.
Being intimate
So, what does all of this have to do with my sober boner? Why talk about fucking and then addiction and then baseball (my editor probably took out the baseball story)? Most people who drink problematically (my hand is raised, is yours?) also have intimacy issues. I’m talking real intimacy, not the lingerie section of a Wal-Mart. Like person-to-person, body-to-body, 100% honest intimacy. Some of you may be nervous just reading that. It’s scary to put ourselves out there, our whole self, and also try to be entirely present for the other person, too. I would argue when you’re drinking, you likely are never able to do that.
Sobriety and honesty
In sobriety, we learn to be honest; to share ourselves. We discuss some of the terrible shit we’ve done, and we ask for forgiveness, and we work towards being better people, but when we leave the company of other sober folks, it can be hard to be that same vulnerable version of ourselves. I, myself, have a partner that’s not an addict or an alcoholic. We spent years enabling each other, but I was the one with the problem. When I started sharing that problem with groups of strangers, it felt great to have a space where we could be intimate with one another. Not sexual, but intimate. A small group of people sharing themselves in a way that they may have never done before because most of us got hurt when we shared like that. In sobriety, I have learned that I can share and be open with other addicts, but more importantly, I can share and be open with my partner.
Work in progress
Getting over that hump, which I still may be climbing slightly, has been very difficult. Creating a space where my partner and I can be honest about how we feel, what we desire, what turns us on; is the space of true intimacy. That space didn’t exist when I was drinking, and it’s one of the last doors I’ve opened on my sober journey. It’s a scary place to allow yourself to be honest and present while also being completely naked and vulnerable. Not to mention that in recovery, you can start to use sex as a form of intimacy and not as a weapon. I don’t have to worry about ‘faking it,’ and I don’t have to worry about ‘whiskey dick.’ All I need is a little intimacy and my sober boner.
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Check Out This Episode from Friend Request:
HAPPY EVERY HOUR: Justin Lamb is dedicated to tasting great (and sometimes not so great) NA beers and showcasing his amazing collection of memorabilia from the ’90s.
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