Letting Go When It Hurts
In Part 1, we focused on the mental habits that keep us stuck trying to control others. We examined how the need to be right, the fear of being judged, and the pull of validation drain our energy and undermine our peace. The first two “let them” tools gave us a way to interrupt those patterns and regain control.
But some situations cut deeper.
Letting someone be wrong or letting them judge us is difficult. Letting them leave, or letting them feel pain we can’t fix, can feel unbearable. These moments trigger fear, grief, guilt, and old survival instincts that tell us we must hold on at all costs.
Part 2 addresses these harder edges of letting go.
Here, we explore what happens when relationships change or end, and how emotional enmeshment keeps us trapped in roles that hurt us over time. We’ll look at how to process detachment healthily and how to practice compassion without self-abandonment.
These tools aren’t about emotional avoidance. They’re about emotional maturity. They help us stay grounded when life shifts, relationships evolve, and people experience feelings we cannot rescue them from.
Tool 1: Let Them Be Wrong
Constantly feeling the need to correct others is one of the most energy-draining habits we develop. The first practical let them tool—letting others be wrong—directly addresses this exhausting pattern. This powerful boundary-setting practice creates immediate mental freedom while preserving relationships that might otherwise suffer from our need to be right.
Why is proving others wrong draining?
Most people don’t realize how much mental energy they waste by engaging in correction cycles. When we try to prove someone wrong, our body releases stress hormones like cortisol, creating physiological strain even in seemingly minor disagreements. This biological response evolved to help us manage threats, yet we trigger it repeatedly over trivial matters, such as someone’s political opinion or an incorrect fact.
Beyond the physical toll, there’s a social cost to constant correction. Studies show that in social situations, most people aren’t looking to be educated by others. They already experience enough demand in their daily lives and generally resist criticism in their free time. Ironically, our attempts to influence others typically reinforce their original position rather than changing their mind.
The “prove them wrong” mentality also creates unhealthy thought patterns:
- It fosters negative, limited thinking rather than open curiosity
- It ties our identity too closely to being right
- It creates a dependency on external validation rather than self-trust
- It directs our focus outward instead of toward personal growth
Research consistently shows that attempting to prove people wrong rarely accomplishes anything productive. Even when we “win” an argument, the relationship often loses. Meanwhile, we emerge mentally exhausted from formulating and reformulating arguments.
As Mel Robbins points out, “The more you try to control something, the more out of control you feel.” Controlling others’ opinions is fundamentally impossible, yet we persist in trying, burning through precious mental resources in the process.
How to detach from needing validation
Intellectual humility—the recognition that your knowledge has limits—forms the foundation of this practical let-them-tool. Research indicates that people who display intellectual humility enjoy greater tolerance toward those with different views and experience improved relationships. They demonstrate better forgiveness skills and maintain healthier connections.
To practice letting others be wrong about us:
- Identify our validation triggers – Notice when we feel compelled to correct others. Is it when they misunderstand our intentions? When they have incomplete information about a topic we know well? Awareness creates the space needed for change.
- Question the importance – Ask ourselves, “Is their incorrect view about me (or this topic) genuinely relevant to our relationship?” For example, our neighbor’s mistaken views on economic policy likely don’t affect our day-to-day interactions.
- Become curious rather than combative – Instead of immediately countering with our perspective, ask questions to understand theirs better. This opens a dialog rather than closing it.
- Recognize projection – Often, others’ judgments reveal more about them than about us. Their opinions frequently stem from their own fears, biases, and past experiences.
- Focus on our values – Clarify what matters to us, then make decisions aligned with those values rather than seeking approval. This internal alignment creates genuine confidence that doesn’t depend on others’ perceptions.
When we detach from the need for validation, we conserve tremendous energy. We become more grounded in our self-worth and less affected by external judgments. This resilience empowers us to weather criticism while maintaining focus on what truly matters.
The practice requires accepting discomfort initially. As we let others be wrong about us, we’ll feel the urge to defend ourselves. Sitting with that discomfort builds emotional strength. Simultaneously, we’ll discover that letting go of the need to control others’ perceptions creates space for authentic connections based on mutual respect rather than agreement.
This doesn’t mean never sharing our perspective. Instead, it means choosing when to engage based on the relationship’s importance and our capacity, not from a compulsive need to correct. By practicing this stoic habit consistently, we’ll find ourselves less drained by disagreements and more present for meaningful exchanges.
Tool 2: Let Them Judge Us
Judgment from others is inevitable in life, yet many of us expend vast amounts of energy trying to avoid or manage it. The second practical let them tool, letting others judge us, offers a pathway to freedom from this exhausting cycle, allowing us to reclaim our mental peace regardless of others’ opinions.
Understanding projection and bias
What we perceive as judgment often reveals more about the judge than the judged. In psychology, this is known as projection bias—the tendency to assume others share our perspectives, values, and emotional states. When someone harshly judges our choices, they’re typically projecting their own insecurities or unresolved issues onto us.
Projection occurs because people use themselves as the default reference point for how others think and feel. This cognitive shortcut is easy but emotionally inaccurate. For instance, someone who criticizes our career change might be expressing their own fear of taking risks. Their judgment becomes a mirror reflecting their inner state rather than an accurate assessment of our situation.
Interestingly, our brains are wired to believe more people agree with us than do, which reinforces our tendency to project emotions and values onto others. This creates a fundamental attribution error—judging others based on their character rather than their circumstances, while attributing our own actions to external situations.
Admittedly, this understanding doesn’t make judgments feel any less painful in the moment. Yet recognizing that “the only person who can know the absolute truth about us is us” provides the first step toward emotional freedom. In essence, others’ opinions reflect their limited perspective, not our worth.
Staying grounded in our values
The antidote to being controlled by others’ judgments lies in connecting deeply with our personal values. Values serve as an internal compass that guides our actions and decisions regardless of external opinions. When we’re clear about what matters most to us, others’ judgments lose their power to derail us.
To apply this practically:
- Identify our core values – Determine what principles are non-negotiable for us. Is it integrity, creativity, connection, or contribution? These become our anchor points.
- Separate opinions from facts – Distinguish between subjective judgments and objective reality. Someone’s disapproval doesn’t change the facts of our situation or our worth.
- Practice self-validation first – Prioritize our own approval before seeking it from others. As one expert notes, “The moment that I stopped judging myself for being a weird multi-passionate entrepreneur, the frequency of people asking ‘hi, what do we do for a living?’ went down drastically.”
- Create healthy distance – When faced with judgment, mentally step back and say, “Let them judge us.” This simple phrase creates psychological space between us and their opinions.
The fundamental shift happens when we truly understand that “we can’t change what people think about us, so don’t waste energy trying.” At this point, staying grounded in our values becomes less of an effort and more of a natural stance.
In truth, many fears about judgment are amplified in our minds. We often do things that are ineffective at managing others’ judgments—avoiding conflict, making eye contact, or socializing—only to suffer more in the long run. By embracing the “let them judge us” tool, we acknowledge that while judgments are inevitable, our response to them remains within our control.
This doesn’t mean becoming callous or dismissive of feedback. On the contrary, it means engaging with others’ perspectives from a place of security rather than fear. After all, as Mel Robbins points out, “Let them have their opinions and take back control of your life.”
Tool 3: Let Them Leave
Relationships, like everything in life, aren’t permanent situations. The third practical tool—letting others leave—addresses one of our deepest fears: abandonment. This powerful approach acknowledges that relationship endings are inevitable parts of life that create space for growth and new beginnings.
Accepting endings as part of growth
Despite our natural inclination to hold on, accepting endings provides psychological freedom. Every relationship enters our lives for “a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime,” and often we don’t know which it will be when it starts. As humans, we resist change, yet learning to say goodbye is an important life lesson we must continually relearn.
Endings typically trigger mixed emotions—from relief to sadness. Even when we initiate the conclusion, it still disrupts previous standard patterns of our lives. Indeed, allowing us to grieve is essential, as any significant ending comes with a sense of loss.
To apply this practically:
- Acknowledge that relationships naturally evolve through different seasons
- Recognizing when holding on creates more suffering than letting go
- View endings not as failures but as completed chapters
- Understand that detachment creates space for voluntary, self-directed change
This mindset shift reduces anxiety by diminishing efforts to control what’s fundamentally uncontrollable, others’ decisions to stay or leave your life.
How to process emotional detachment
Healthy emotional detachment involves creating both mental and physical distance when we’ve decided that another’s behavior is affecting us negatively. This isn’t about emotional avoidance; instead, it’s about shifting our emotional investment and redirecting our energy back to ourselves.
Indeed, the path toward emotional detachment requires intentional steps:
- Allow ourselves to feel everything – It’s normal to cycle through emotions like anger, sadness, and hope within minutes. Permit ourselves to experience these feelings without judgment.
- Reflect on what we’ve learned – Every relationship teaches something about ourselves, our boundaries, and what we want in future connections.
- Practice self-care and self-protection – This might involve distancing ourselves from gossip, minimizing social media contact, or limiting interaction with the person.
- Reconnect with our goals – Reaffirm the aspirations that matter to us, especially if they were put on hold during the relationship.
- Seek support if needed – Talking to counselors or wise friends who won’t take sides can help us process the experience.
In reality, what helped many people cope with relationship endings was accepting that they and the other person were in different life stages. This perspective reminds us that separation isn’t always personal; it’s often about timing and life circumstances.
Tool 4: Let Them Feel What They Feel
Many people unconsciously absorb others’ emotions as if they were their own, creating unnecessary mental burden. The fourth practical, letting others feel what they feel—addresses this draining habit by establishing clear emotional separation between ourselves and others.
Avoiding emotional enmeshment
Emotional enmeshment occurs when boundaries between people become blurred or non-existent, creating unhealthy dependency. In enmeshed relationships, people become emotionally intertwined in ways that diminish individual identity. Signs include feeling responsible for others’ happiness, absorbing their stress, and experiencing guilt when prioritizing yourself.
This pattern often develops in childhood when family members overshare personal information, don’t respect privacy, or rely on children for emotional support—undeniably, breaking free starts with recognizing that others’ feelings aren’t ours to manage.
Practicing emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries function like invisible lines that define where we end, and others begin. They protect our inner world while allowing genuine connection. Consider visualizing ourselves as a container that can understand others’ emotions without absorbing them as our own.
To implement this practically:
- Identify when we’re feeling emotions that aren’t ours by asking, “Is this mine?”
- Practice observational detachment—see others’ emotions without taking ownership
- Remind ourselves: “I’m letting this emotional pain that is not mine go now.”
Through consistent practice, we’ll discover that empathy without absorption creates healthier relationships and preserves your mental energy for what truly matters.
Conclusion
Across this two-part series, one truth keeps surfacing: most of our suffering comes from trying to control what we cannot. Other people’s beliefs. Their opinions of us. Their decisions to stay or leave. Their emotions.
Practical “let them” tools offer a robust framework for reclaiming our mental energy and establishing healthy boundaries. Throughout this guide, we’ve learned how these four simple yet profound tools can transform our relationships and boost our emotional well-being. Consequently, we now have practical strategies to break free from the exhausting habit of trying to control what others think, do, and feel.
Each tool addresses a specific aspect of control that likely drains our energy daily—letting others be wrong releases us from the burden of constant correction. Letting others judge us frees us from the prison of seeking external validation. Letting others leave acknowledges the natural evolution of relationships. Finally, letting others feel what they feel establishes clear emotional boundaries that protect our mental space.
Remember, these tools work because they align with psychological reality rather than wishful thinking. Therefore, implementing them consistently will gradually rewire our habit loops and reduce emotional reactivity. Our relationships will become more authentic as we create space for genuine connection rather than control.
The journey toward letting go certainly requires practice. Moments will arise when our old control habits try to reassert themselves. During these times, pause and choose one of these practical tools instead. Additionally, notice how much lighter we feel when we stop carrying responsibilities that were never ours to bear.
Most importantly, these tools grant us freedom to focus on what truly matters – our values, goals, and authentic self. As we continue practicing these stoic habits, we’ll discover growing confidence in our judgment and increasing peace regardless of external circumstances.
Stop trying to control the uncontrollable. Start reclaiming your mental freedom today. These practical let them tools work—if you actually use them.
SOBER CURATOR PODCAST: Unpacking Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory” – Boundaries, Sobriety, and the Real Power of Letting Go
SPIRITUAL GANGSTER – STOICISM: The STOICISM section of The Sober Curator explores how ancient philosophy can serve as a powerful guide in modern recovery. Led by contributors Derek Castleman and Tony Harte, this space explores the principles of Stoicism—reason, virtue, and acceptance—and demonstrates how they can aid in navigating the challenges of sobriety.
Derek, the Sober Stoic, is a writer, educator, scientist, and data analyst, battled addiction and bipolar disorder for over 15 years before finding lasting recovery in 2018. While 12-Step programs gave him a foundation, Stoicism became the key to his sobriety and mental stability.
Tony, Founder of A Stoic Sobriety, with 35 years sober, discovered Stoicism after a lifetime of recovery work and spiritual exploration. A self-proclaimed “spiritual gangster,” he blends ancient philosophy with his lived experience, offering practical and grounded wisdom.
Together, Derek and Tony demonstrate that regardless of where you are on your recovery journey, the timeless wisdom of Stoicism can lead to strength, peace, and purpose.
SPIRITUAL GANGSTER: at The Sober Curator is a haven for those embracing sobriety with a healthy dose of spiritual sass. This space invites you to dive into meditation, astrology, intentional living, philosophy, and personal reflection—all while keeping your feet (and your sobriety) firmly on the ground. Whether you’re exploring new spiritual practices or deepening an existing one, Spiritual Gangster offers inspiration, insight, and a community that blends mindful living with alcohol-free fun.
SOBERSCRIBE NOW!
Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
