Do you spend countless hours trying to control situations where practical tools could save your sanity? Mel Robbins’s book The Let Them Theory aims to help you with this. I enjoyed the book because it raised awareness of this topic for people who may not have been exposed to the ideas she presents. It is not a criticism of the book, but an observation that I found it lacking in the practical tools needed to address these behaviors and thoughts truly.
Most of us waste precious mental energy attempting to manage other people’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. However, this constant need for control creates unnecessary stress and erodes our self-trust. Establishing healthy boundaries through practical philosophy isn’t just a nice idea; it’s essential for your well-being. Stoic habits and emotional tools designed explicitly for letting go can transform how you navigate complex relationships and situations.
The four “let them” tools we’ll explore—letting them be wrong, letting them judge you, letting them leave, and letting them feel what they feel—form a practical framework for reclaiming our peace. Unlike vague advice to “just let go” or “let them,” these techniques provide clear, actionable steps.
This two-part article series fills that gap.
Rather than offering vague encouragement to “just let go,” this series breaks down the concept into practical, repeatable tools rooted in psychology, emotion regulation, and boundary setting. These tools are designed for real-life moments when emotions are high, relationships are messy, and old habits kick in automatically.
In Part 1, we focus on understanding why control behaviors are so challenging to stop and how the first two “let them” tools help interrupt those patterns. In Part 2, we expand the framework to address loss, emotional boundaries, and long-term inner freedom.
Together, these articles form a practical guide for anyone ready to stop wasting energy on what they can’t control and start reclaiming their mental peace.
Understand the Habit Loop
Before we can use practical tools effectively, we need to understand why control behaviors are so challenging to stop. These behaviors operate through what psychologists call a “habit loop” – a powerful three-part cycle that keeps us locked in patterns that no longer serve us.
What triggers a habit
Every habit begins with a trigger or cue that tells our brain to enter automatic mode. These cues activate behavior patterns without conscious thought. According to research, habit cues typically fall into five main categories:
- Location (where you are)
- Time of day (specific moments that prompt behavior)
- Emotional state (feelings like stress, boredom, or loneliness)
- Other people (social influences and interactions)
- Preceding events (actions that regularly come before the habit)
These triggers automatically trigger our controlling behavior. For instance, when someone close to us makes a decision, we disagree with (cue), we might immediately jump in to correct them (routine). Our brain has been trained to respond this way through repeated experiences.
Interestingly, neuroscientists have traced habit formation to the basal ganglia, a brain region that plays a crucial role in emotion, memory, and pattern recognition. As habits become established, the decision-making part of our brain essentially goes into sleep mode, allowing automatic patterns to take over.
The role of reward in repetition
The third component of the habit loop – the reward – is what makes habits stick. When we receive a reward after completing a routine, our brain releases dopamine, creating a sense of pleasure or satisfaction that reinforces the behavior.
With controlling behaviors, the rewards are often subtle but powerful. When we correct someone’s mistake, the reward might be feeling knowledgeable or preventing a potential problem. When we judge someone’s choices, we might feel momentarily superior. These rewards create cravings that drive the habit loop.
Through this reward-based learning, our brain links all three components together. This mechanism evolved to help humans survive; seeking pleasure and avoiding pain were effective evolutionary strategies. The problem is that modern life creates numerous artificial triggers designed to exploit our brain’s reward system.
After repeating this cycle many times, habits become deeply ingrained, especially if we’ve maintained them for years. Research shows that it takes an average of 66 days for a new habit to reach maximum automaticity, though this varies widely depending on the behavior’s complexity.
How awareness breaks the cycle
The first step to rewiring our brain’s reward system doesn’t involve trying to stop the habit immediately. Instead, it starts with bringing mindful awareness to your behavior. When we pay attention to what’s happening in each moment, we can interrupt automatic patterns. This is where Mel Robbins’ book shines. She provides many real-life examples from her own experience that illustrate how she began developing this awareness.
Psychiatrist Judson Brewer discovered through extensive research that mindful awareness, combined with genuine curiosity, is a key ingredient for changing behaviors, even strong addictions. This approach involves observing our habits with non-judgmental awareness.
For example, the next time we feel the urge to control someone else’s emotions, pause and notice the trigger. Was it their facial expression? Their tone of voice? Our own discomfort with their feelings? By examining these cues with curiosity rather than judgment, we can create space between trigger and response.
Additionally, drawing attention to the habit’s actual sensation helps break its hold. How does trying to control others make us feel? What happens in our body? Does the reward feel good, or does it create more tension? Being mindful of these experiences often reveals that the habit doesn’t deliver the satisfaction we thought it did.
As we develop this awareness, the habit loop begins to lose its power. Rather than automatically reacting to triggers, we gain the ability to pause and choose a different response, which is where practical let them tools become invaluable.
Why ‘Let Them’ Tools Work
The practical let-them tools aren’t just feel-good philosophy—they’re grounded in psychological research on how our minds work. Studies show that these techniques reduce stress by diminishing our efforts to control what’s fundamentally uncontrollable. Whereas previous control-focused behaviors kept us locked in frustration, these tools provide a framework for a more balanced approach to relationships and emotional well-being.
Letting go of control
Control is deceiving because we mistakenly believe it brings relief from anxiety. Nevertheless, this illusion creates more problems than it solves. When we loosen our grip on trying to manage others’ thoughts, feelings, and actions, we experience what psychologists call “radical acceptance”—a distress tolerance skill that significantly decreases psychological stress.
Dr. Baulch explains that using practical tools helps us recognize where we’re attempting to control others to align with “our values, our agenda, or what it is we need from them”. Subsequently, we can focus on what we can influence.
The mental shift is profound. Rather than ruminating on “this shouldn’t be happening,” we move to “this is happening, now what?” This simple reframing immediately reduces internal conflict stemming from resisting reality; consequently, the body’s response quiets, creating space for clearer thinking.
Moreover, trying to control everything contributes to burnout and persistent frustration. As Mel Robbins points out, the flip side of letting others be who they are is permitting ourselves to do the same. This mutual freedom creates more authentic connections.
Creating space for choice
Dropping attempts to control others improves relationship dynamics by creating space for voluntary, self-directed change. People naturally appreciate feeling trusted and respected rather than managed. This shift reduces the defensiveness that typically emerges when someone feels pressured or cornered.
“When we notice that we’re focusing on controlling other people, try to reverse that control and bring the energy back to ourselves,” suggests one mental health professional. This creates more substantial emotional autonomy—the ability to maintain our own emotional balance regardless of others’ choices.
Furthermore, when we stop wasting energy on managing others’ reactions, we gain more bandwidth for creativity, collaboration, and meaningful progress. This reclaimed energy can be directed toward personal growth and the aspects of life we genuinely can influence.
Research on motivation confirms this approach works: when a person’s autonomy is supported (rather than threatened), they often become more open to influence, not less. In professional settings, this translates to better team dynamics and reduced conflict.
Reducing emotional reactivity
Emotional reactivity—the frequency and intensity of emotional arousal — often controls behavior. Practical let them tools help reduce this reactivity through several mechanisms:
- Creating psychological distance: Saying “let them” separates you from another adult’s emotions, recognizing it’s not your job to “parent” other people’s feelings.
- Interrupting automatic responses: The tools provide a moment to pause between trigger and reaction, allowing us to respond thoughtfully rather than automatically.
- Promoting emotional regulation: By observing without intervention, we develop better awareness of our own emotional states.
Clinical psychologist Mary Goslett explains that this approach encourages us to be less reactive: “Let them have their gossip, not try and represent myself or defend myself. Basically, it’s about giving yourself a breather, rather than going in with all of your hurt.”
The parasympathetic nervous system, the body’s calming system, can be actively engaged through these practices, improving emotional regulation after periods of stress. The exhalation part of breathing, for instance, acts like a brake in a car—it slows your nervous system, creating space between emotional triggers and your responses.
As we practice these tools, we’ll discover we can influence which emotions we feel, when we think them, and how we express them—ultimately leading to more balanced and thoughtful interactions with others.
Where Awareness Meets Practice
In this first article, we explored why control is such a deeply ingrained habit. We looked at how habit loops, emotional triggers, and subtle rewards keep us locked into patterns of correcting, judging, and seeking validation. Understanding this process matters because it removes shame from the struggle. These behaviors aren’t personal failures. They’re learned responses.
We also introduced the first two practical “let them” tools:
- Let them be wrong, which frees us from the exhausting need to correct others and defend our identity.
- Let them judge us, which loosens our dependence on external approval and strengthens self-trust.
Both tools help shift our focus away from other people and back toward our own values, boundaries, and emotional regulation. They create space between the trigger and the reaction, where real change begins.
But control doesn’t only show up in arguments or opinions. It also appears in our fear of loss and our tendency to absorb other people’s emotions as our own.
In Part 2 (publishing 02.05.26), we’ll take the next step. We’ll explore what it means to let people leave, how to detach without becoming cold or indifferent, and how to stop carrying emotional weight that was never ours to hold. These tools complete the framework and help transform awareness into lasting freedom.
SPIRITUAL GANGSTER – STOICISM: The STOICISM section of The Sober Curator explores how ancient philosophy can serve as a powerful guide in modern recovery. Led by contributors Derek Castleman and Tony Harte, this space explores the principles of Stoicism—reason, virtue, and acceptance—and demonstrates how they can aid in navigating the challenges of sobriety.
Derek, the Sober Stoic, is a writer, educator, scientist, and data analyst, battled addiction and bipolar disorder for over 15 years before finding lasting recovery in 2018. While 12-Step programs gave him a foundation, Stoicism became the key to his sobriety and mental stability.
Tony, Founder of A Stoic Sobriety, with 35 years sober, discovered Stoicism after a lifetime of recovery work and spiritual exploration. A self-proclaimed “spiritual gangster,” he blends ancient philosophy with his lived experience, offering practical and grounded wisdom.
Together, Derek and Tony demonstrate that regardless of where you are on your recovery journey, the timeless wisdom of Stoicism can lead to strength, peace, and purpose.
SOBER CURATOR PODCAST: Unpacking Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory” – Boundaries, Sobriety, and the Real Power of Letting Go
SPIRITUAL GANGSTER: at The Sober Curator is a haven for those embracing sobriety with a healthy dose of spiritual sass. This space invites you to dive into meditation, astrology, intentional living, philosophy, and personal reflection—all while keeping your feet (and your sobriety) firmly on the ground. Whether you’re exploring new spiritual practices or deepening an existing one, Spiritual Gangster offers inspiration, insight, and a community that blends mindful living with alcohol-free fun.
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