Pregnancy, Recovery, and a Pandemic
If you had asked me years ago if I were capable and responsible enough to bring another human into the world, the answer would have been a resounding “HELL NO.” On my best day, my most significant show of responsibility was brushing my teeth. So, the first thought when I saw the double lines on that pregnancy test was not precisely joy. Don’t get me wrong, I did cry tears of utter happiness, but my first thought was fear. Am I good enough to be a mom? Will my past mistakes bring some form of tragic karmic retribution? What if she turns out—like me?
What if she turns out—like me?
One of the biggest lessons I have learned in recovery is that even though I feel like the only person who has ever had specific fears or thoughts—it is never the case. So, here are some tips for dealing with the many fears that come along with being a pregnant woman who is also a recovering alcoholic. (Oh, and who is also doing this in a pandemic *sheesh*)
What I’ve learned
- Give it to Your Higher Power. For the entirety of my first trimester, I was terrified I would lose my baby. So much so that I refused to work out, which is a huge part of maintaining emotional sanity; this is a great time to work that 3rd step—hand it over to your higher power. *Insert warning: you will take the fear back and give it over again. And again. And one more time ????* But know at the end of the day: you can’t control what you can’t control. Don’t let fear consume you.
- Reach out, reach out again, and then reach out some more. Do you know women who have kids in recovery? Of course, you do. So call them. Call them when you have a question about weird pregnancy stuff (there’s a lot of it). Call them when you are scared. Did your baby kick for the first time? Call them and share that joy, too! Just stay connected.
- Talk to a pro. Sobriety support groups like AA and NA are super great for staying connected, getting outside of yourself, and being of service. They are crucial to feeling whole during pregnancy. But when dealing with specific anxieties as they relate to pregnancy, you might find yourself needing to talk to a licensed counselor or professional. I found one specializing in prenatal and perinatal mental health, and it’s been the best decision I could have made.
Overall, this experience has taught me not to let my fear outshine my joy. But in those moments when I start to feel nervous, all I need to do is reach for my phone. The connections I have made gently remind me that I am not alone.
A Disco Ball is Hundreds of Pieces of Broken Glass, Put Together to Make a Magical Ball of Light. You are NOT Broken, Friend. You are a DISCO BALL!
Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
