I stumbled upon (well, was somehow directly targeted through social media advertising) “the feels.” Which touts itself as a somatic dating experience. I had no idea what exactly that meant. But $100 later, I was committed to going and seeing what this entailed.
My hope was to walk away with a deeper connection than I had experienced while utilizing the dating apps. You know, the usual suspects: Tinder, OkCupid (throwback, I know), Match.com, Bumble, Hinge, Taimi, you name it, I’ve tried it. And it has been a draining experience. I am sure this is something everyone goes through, but I didn’t expect dating to suck this much.
Then again, I’ve been out of the dating pool for a little over a decade, so my chops are a bit rusty. I did my best not to arrive chronically early to this event… and still wound up arriving chronically early.
So I did what any sane New Yorker does; I went and grabbed a coffee and then paced around the block nervously for fifteen minutes. And then I decided to try to play it cool and arrive fifteen minutes late, so I doom scrolled. And once I pressed play on my 50th cat video, I decided to peel my eyes off my screen and enter the unfamiliar territory of somatic dating.
I gotta feeling…
As soon as I entered, I spotted a decently looking guy. Who was, dare I say, kinda cute. I honestly thought he might be gay (I know), and he turned out to be very straight and proceeded to hit on every woman there, regardless of her looks. Once the dating experience began, he seemed to settle on a specific type of thin Insta model. So I had no chance. Which I was ok with, I wasn’t really vibing with him and his stereotypical LA accent.
I chatted with some other people who anxiously awaited the experience. One of them wound up leaving early, and the other didn’t seem to have much luck in forming a connection. I spoke with a real estate agent who seemed nice. However, I totally ruined the vibe when I mentioned that I had recently ended a decade-long relationship. Wah wah.
His face sank, and I made a note to maybe not share that so quickly when meeting someone. He was cute… though his hair was thinning a bit in the back. He seemed to really enjoy himself during the experience. Also opting for the thin Insta model. And my new friend gave him her phone number. I am hoping they went on a date (fingers crossed).
When it came to the experience, we first opened in a circle and had a mini meditation session. I felt relaxed and made a comment about how I felt like I was back in kindergarten having nap time. Then came the first pairing, which was done with the person standing next to you.
I was paired with a seasoned Feeler who had attended three other events. He was a really sweet guy, but I wonder how he managed to participate in this event multiple times! During the first pairing, you stare at your partner for THREE MINUTES!!!!!! WITHOUT TALKING!!!! (I know! I know!!!)
After the stare-off, we talked for one minute about our experiences. For me, it felt awkward at first, and then it felt… almost comforting in a way? As I was with this guy, we were both experiencing the same thing. And yet, we faced the sea of uncertainty together. And then, we parted ways.
The next pairing was one where the men chose their partner. The second was one the women chose, and the final one was both choosing. Each pairing had a different somatic element incorporated into it, but followed the same formula of one minute of you and your partner answering a prompt, followed by one minute of complimenting one another, then the somatic experience, and closing with a one-minute discussion of the experience.
My feelings about “the feels” partners
Partner 1 and I did a leaning exercise where I leaned on his back and he leaned on mine. It was like a trust fall, but way safer and way less trust involved. For this somatic element, I didn’t feel any sort of awkwardness. It just kinda was.
For Partner 2, we placed our hands on one another’s chest for two minutes, I believe. I think my partner was more nervous than I was. The experience for this exercise felt very grounding and calming. I felt like I was in tune with another being for the first time in a very long time. It felt oddly intimate, and I could see myself wanting to become friends with this person since they seemed incredibly sweet.
For my final partner, we had a prolonged three-minute hug. Which, honestly, was heavenly. I felt very at ease with my partner and could’ve taken a nap.
All in all, this was an experience that felt more like an exploration of my own boundaries, of how to recenter myself for more intentional connections that focus on quality rather than quantity. While I may not return to the same feelings, I did make two new friends.
And having a strong and thriving girl gang was worth the experience for me.
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1 Comment
I went to a feels event and found it similarly underwhelming. I didn’t find any of the men attractive and most were quite awkward. I did not enjoy the forced intimacy. Similar to your experience and from everyone I’ve talked to, the only people that go more than once are men. Probably because it gives a sense a false intimacy but I didn’t feel that it was teaching any skills that would make them be better listeners/better partners. I also found that the facilitator felt overly theatrical/scripted. Not worth the money in my opinion.