My name is Tamar, and I am an alcoholic. While saying these words once carried the weight of shame and fear, today they empower me. When I embraced the truth about my inability to drink normally, it opened doors to a life I never imagined possible. It took me twenty-two long years to confront my drinking problem and still another decade after getting sober before I came to accept my truth and live it fully: I am attracted to women.
Remember the game Truth or Dare?
I recall playing it for the first time at age twelve. While most of my girlfriends were thrilled at the prospect of their first kiss with a boy, I felt different. Even though I had a male friend with whom I spent time and went to the movies, I found myself having feelings for a girl.
At that age, I didn’t know anyone who was openly gay, so I had no one to confide in about these feelings. It was also a time when being gay wasn’t widely accepted. I remember thinking I didn’t want to have these feelings because I feared judgment. The thought of being different was terrifying, and I kept my feelings hidden deep inside, afraid of what others might say or think.
My family moved soon after that, and I convinced myself that having boyfriends would make my feelings for girls disappear. But they didn’t. By the time I was fourteen, those same feelings resurfaced. Now that I was in high school, making new friends was crucial, so I concluded that hiding my true self was critical to my survival. I dreaded what would happen to me if anyone found out.
Soon after, I got drunk for the first time.
The moment the alcohol hit my system, I felt a temporary escape from the shame and confusion that plagued me. It was the perfect way to silence the inner turmoil. Little did I know this would trigger a genetic predisposition to alcohol addiction, sending me down a long, arduous path of battling dependency. Alcohol became my refuge, a way to shove down the parts of myself I was too scared to face.
So, I spent the rest of my adolescence and young adulthood denying my feelings for women and forcing myself to be with men. I even convinced myself to marry a man. I loved my husband because he was a good man, but I could never access more profound pleasure, connection, and intimacy because I kept my true desires secret. And over time, it grew more difficult to deny it.
My husband was also an alcoholic, so we surrounded ourselves with others who drank heavily, and when you gather a bunch of drunk adults together, things often get wild. I remember one such weekend when we broke out the old game of Truth or Dare. One of the boys dared my friend and I to kiss. She wasn’t a stranger to this kind of thing, and it didn’t bother her. I was so drunk that I went along with it. When I finally had my first kiss with a woman, something profound and undeniable shifted inside me.
The truth I had been running from my entire life hit me like a tidal wave at that moment. The spark of that kiss ignited something deep within me, awakening a part of my soul I had been desperately trying to bury. The flood of emotions was overwhelming, and while it frightened me, it also felt like a piece of a puzzle clicking into place. The clouds of confusion and denial began to lift, revealing a clearer understanding of who I was: I am a woman who loves women.
Unfortunately, my keen awareness of the social stigma against people like me still petrified me too much to come out at that time. Every so often, though, I would experience those fleeting, drunken moments of authenticity. Though they never amounted to anything more, I desperately wanted more, but at the same time, I couldn’t allow myself to have it. I ended up severing the friendship because I couldn’t risk my secret being exposed.
So, I returned to stuffing it all away again, burying my true self deeper each time. The constant fear and longing gnawed at my soul, leaving me more isolated and trapped. Living a lie and denying myself the love and acceptance I craved and deserved was a painful existence. The weight of my secret was suffocating, yet I couldn’t see a way out.
On June 17, 2012, I finally chose to get sober.
I also decided to get a divorce. I couldn’t live that life anymore. Not only was I destroying myself with drugs and alcohol, but I was also using alcohol to hide my authentic self. In those early years of sobriety, I thought I was ready to explore my sexuality, but fear continued to keep me in the closet for another decade. Eventually, the weight of living a lie and the fear of being judged was unbearable. Taking those first steps towards sobriety and honesty marked the beginning of reclaiming my true self.
Around the ten-year mark of my sobriety, a series of life-changing events unfolded that ultimately led me to come out. It began with my therapist’s simple yet powerful question: “Have you ever been attracted to women?” I could no longer deny the true answer: yes. From there, I learned to live out the answer in my life, which resulted in the painful loss of a few friendships. Eventually, someone special offered me the chance to explore my sexuality and express my true self. This journey, filled with challenges and revelations, is one you’ll read about in a future blog!
It was through my sobriety and the incredible people I met on this journey that I finally found the courage to come out. Although I often wish I had done it sooner, I now understand that everything happened in God’s perfect timing.
How do I know this, you ask?
In July 2022, I met a woman who has changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. But for that story, you’ll have to stay tuned. Trust me, it’s worth the wait.
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1 Comment
Awesome article sister..your a warrior..so glad you gave yourself the gift of truth and authenticity, you deserve the best ..and the best is yet to come
Big love