Birthdays are an excellent opportunity for self-reflection, goal setting, and health resets. Kind of like a “personal New Year’s Eve,” it feels like a fresh start. My 35th birthday is right around the corner, so naturally, I have been consumed with the “Who the fuck am I?” questions I am flooded with whenever one of my trips around the sun is ending. My mother also reminded me that I will be closer to 50 than 20 the day after my birthday, so that’s great…thanks mom.
As I’ve been pondering just who the fuck I am, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my sobriety and how getting sober has helped me answer so many more questions about myself than I ever imagined when I decided to quit drinking. I have discovered things about myself that I never knew, responded to questions I didn’t think I had, and identified gaps I never knew existed. Here are a few things I have learned about myself over the past two years.
Loving my body
I treated my body like a dumpster before I got sober. I have always had an “all-or-nothing” type of personality, so because I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn’t doing all I could to keep my body safe and healthy, I thought, “Let’s set this bitch on fire.” Why work out if I wasn’t eating healthy? What’s the point in eating healthy if I am drinking 1,500 calories each day? Why try to control my drinking when I am already fat and out of shape? What’s the point? It’s crazy how out of control the hamster wheel gets when you’re looking for excuses to keep doing the self-sabotaging shit you’re addicted to.
When I quit drinking for good, it was because I decided to do it for reasons other than my health. I guess I never felt worthy of quitting for my own health, so I had to find other reasons. However, once I kicked the booze to the curb, I could see everything so clearly. I learned of the dangers of alcohol while reading all the quit lit I could get my hands on, and that prompted me to want to learn about food and exercise through the same lens.
Sobriety allowed me to think about my body differently, focusing on treating it with respect and gratitude and prioritizing my long-term health rather than getting bikini body-ready or cutting out certain food groups to lose weight as fast as possible. I have lost around 80 lbs. since I quit drinking, not because I was doing some fad diet I read about on a weight loss chat room, but because I shifted my mindset and started thinking every day about the things I needed to prioritize to give my body what it needs to feel its best that day – physical activity, nourishing food, and plenty of water.
Spiritual gym practice
Call this what you want – “spiritual gym practice,” “wellness routine,” “mental health checklist,” or “things I do to not murder other living things.” Whatever you call it, these things you do regularly make you feel like your best self. Two years ago, I thought the only people who meditated were weird hippy-dippies, and the only people who read non-fiction books were these ultra-high-performing freaks with no concept of a family or social life. I was so underwater and in the tight grip of anxiety, depression, and addiction that I had a hard time even doing the bare minimum things I HAD to do to get through the day – feeding/bathing my kids and getting them where they needed to be and working. That was about it. And I couldn’t fathom adding anything else to that to-do list.
I didn’t just get sober and start a regular spiritual gym practice the next day. It happened gradually throughout a couple of years. I now see and can attest to the positive impact having a healthy wellness plan has. I have tried many things – some of them stuck, some not. It’s been about trial and error and finding what works well for me. Meditating. Reading and practicing gratitude. Daily walks outside. I am making time for a calm cup of coffee between my kids leaving the house for the day and when I jump into my work email. Prioritizing an early bedtime and sleep routine over whatever show I’m tempted to stay up and binge at night. I get up early to have some me time and work out before the kids wake up and the day’s craziness sets in. These are all the things I do daily that keep me sane, mentally strong, and challenging.
Sense of self & purpose
One of my most frequent, hangover-ridden, panic attack-inducing thoughts was that I didn’t have a passion. I looked at those around me and felt like most others had a “thing.” Something they felt like they were put on this earth to do. Many people seemed to find a job or a career based on this passion. My middle school boyfriend was obsessed with cars, the Honda brand specifically. He was also uber-smart. He got a job out of college as a Honda engineer and was living his middle school dream. He always knew what he wanted to do.
I had many high school friends who were taking the coursework needed to become a nurse before they even went to college. Many of them became nurses, doctors, PAs, etc. I had co-workers who seemed to give sooooooooo many more fucks about their job than I did. I would look around and think, “What am I missing? Why do these people care so much? I wish I cared about this, but I don’t.” I majored in finance with a minor in accounting solely because I was good at math, not because I enjoyed it. I worked in Healthcare IT and eventually Clinical Research as a Project Manager. I don’t mind what I do, but I don’t care like others seem to.
This topic is something I am still working on, but I have learned so much about myself without the haze of alcohol. I now understand and accept that not everyone makes a career out of whatever they are passionate about. Plenty of people work to bring in a paycheck and spend their free time doing things that bring them immense joy. I’ve also learned that just because you’re not passionate about your job or industry doesn’t mean you can’t take pride in your work and enjoy learning and advancing in your career.
I never considered myself a creative person or a writer, but here I am. I started writing about my sobriety journey and discovered that I have this drive and passion to share my story and educate others following in my footsteps that there is a way outside alcohol. I’ve found a way to appreciate my day job for challenging me and allowing me to develop a skill set that can be used in many areas of my life while simultaneously making time to write about my journey and hopefully helping others feel brave enough to do the same.
These are just a few of the pieces and parts of myself that I have discovered or re-discovered in sobriety. I spent my whole life thinking of myself as this specific person with this very specific personality and set of traits. Turns out you don’t have to live in the box you create for yourself. I have spent the past two years in sobriety, learning about myself daily and adjusting my life to support the newest version of myself, evolving daily. I hope you can do the same.
Introducing ‘Shimmer & Shame’ by Sober Curator Allyson Sullivan
We’re thrilled to unveil a new, vibrant column at The Sober Curator – ‘Shimmer & Shame’. This column, by Sober Curator Allyson Sullivan, aims to bridge the gap between relatability and reality in the realms of sobriety, nutrition, fitness, and mental health.
The sober journey is unique for everyone. Not everyone has hit rock bottom, and not all are at the peak of their wellness journey. There’s a whole world in-between, and that’s where most of us reside. ‘Shimmer & Shame’ is about exploring this middle ground, this grey area of wellness and recovery that often goes unspoken. ‘Shimmer & Shame’ hopes to resonate with readers, offering a mirror to Allyson’s experiences, thoughts, and feelings. She aims to create a sense of camaraderie, assuring you that you’re not alone in your journey.
Expect a melange of stories, details, and personal anecdotes that are usually kept under wraps. From hilarious accounts to tear-jerking narratives to shocking revelations, ‘Shimmer & Shame’ promises a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Yes, there will be frank language, and yes, she may lose focus at times, but the heart of each story will remain the same – honesty and authenticity.
A Disco Ball is Hundreds of Pieces of Broken Glass, Put Together to Make a Magical Ball of Light. You are NOT Broken, Friend. You are a DISCO BALL!
Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
