A couple of weeks ago I walked out of a medical spa and slumped down in my car and cried. I had images taken of my face as I was contemplating Botox. The evidence was all there. At forty-three years old I have done some hard living in active addiction. Sunspots, crow’s feet, puffy bags under my eyes, heavy creases in my forehead, and nasolabial folds. And while I fully recognize this is part of the natural aging process, I also know my own lifestyle choices are to blame. I looked in my rear-view mirror and was overcome with shame.
Once again, it was all my fault. I had the same reaction leaving the dentist’s office a few years back. Insert the same narrative at the doctor’s office, the DMV, the bank, and the unemployment office. Not to mention family gatherings, family court, and personal meetings with old friends. It was all there on my credit score or on my resume. The mounting evidence of damages done. At four and a half years sober, I was still hustling to clean up the mess. Except the hustle looks a little different after a few years. The major issues have been tackled. I am alive, employed, and miraculously still married. Yet I still feel I have some proving to do. Some catching up. Some hustling.
When it comes to style and appearance, I am literally wearing the evidence in my wardrobe and on my face. Sometimes, I find myself shopping for multiple designer bags and items in a sense of playing catchup. As if buying three Gucci bags and belts and several Dior tops at once would make up for years of trashy party clothes. I even took a make-up class and purchased all new expensive make-up to catch up on today’s trends. I am using expensive skin creams, taking hair vitamins, researching Botox, exercising, guzzling water, and getting my nails done. WTF, are we there yet? This evidence bag is heavy.
The Early Sobriety Hustle
The answer is yes and no. The reality is I will never get there. I will never be at a place where the clock is magically turned back. I can’t shop my way out of fifteen years of drunken debauchery. Even if I had all the money in the world, which I don’t. So, to sit in a proverbial shame spiral in my car is pointless. What am I going to do to fix this, head to Prada? Nope. I’m going to a recovery meeting. My guess is that If I am experiencing this feeling, then someone else is too.
Do you ever notice that people in recovery are the most likely to win the room? The most letters behind their name, the most accomplishments, the best clothes, the nicest car. I call it the early sobriety hustle. Once, I walked out of a meeting with some friends in recovery and a newcomer commented on how “we have the whitest teeth she has ever seen.” Yup. The sober hustle was in full effect. We not only corrected our poor dentition, but we had the pearliest whites around. It seems to be a mix of the benefits of recovery and part of some robust redemption strategies. Not to mention that people who struggle with addiction disorders usually go all in on everything. I must admit, I am loving the journey to self-improvement. But sometimes, I can take it a bit too far. Sound familiar?
This quote by Brene Brown hangs in a gold frame in my office. “You either walk inside your story or you stand outside and hustle for your worthiness.” I try reminding myself that my story is filled with fifteen years of active addiction and only four years of sobriety. The Miss America pageant may have to wait until I have fifteen years of sobriety. (Do they have a geriatric category?) As I have heard from my mentors, time takes time. Insert eye roll. While this statement is frustrating, it’s also entirely logical and somewhat grounding. So, I try to take a deep breath and be present in what is now. I am a woman in early recovery, and while I strive for the catwalk I still must walk inside my story. Even when it comes to fashion, I gotta check myself. Do I really love this Louis Vuitton bag or am I hustling for my worth?
The Ongoing Surrender
I have worked hard to get here. And while I am not sure where here is, I know that I have eaten my share of humble pie. I have taken my lashings. I have made my amends and repaired a lot of damage. This alone makes me a force to reckon with. Yet it’s still so easy to get caught up in the sober hustle. I am doing “all the things” to strengthen my self-image yet often feeling a sense of lack.
So, I am learning to channel that energy into a positive force and enjoy the journey. I refuse to constantly live for my next accomplishment. Because I know the journey is never over. There is no destination on this road. I will always be one scarf away from the perfect outfit. One Botox session away from the perfect brow. A few pounds from my goal weight. You get the picture. I don’t want to live in the lack. I want to live in gratitude for what is.
Also, I must point out that while my friends in long-term recovery are the most accomplished people in the room, they are also the most chill. Because they have already surpassed this stage. I am guessing they have hustled their asses off, maxed out their credit cards, and then hit their knees. That’s at least something to look forward to. I kid. In all honesty, it seems as though there is an ongoing surrender to this journey. To the past, to the present, and the liminal spaces in between. I aspire to “walk the talk” the whole way, but sometimes I get tripped up. That is why I need my sober community every step of the way. So, I guess this post is a thank-you for walking me home.
Grace & glam,
Kate
P.S. My family is downstairs eating cake and ice cream for no special reason. Meanwhile, I am up here in my cloffice doing Kegel exercises at my computer. It’s high time I close this damn laptop and go join them.
WALK YOUR TALK: Sober Fashionista Kate Vitela celebrates fashion and the role it plays in our recovery. Getting ready for life can be just as fun if not more fun, now that we’re sober…because drunk never looks good.
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