Lately, my husband and I have been having a tough time with our toddler son. He’s very routine-oriented and if something throws that off, a meltdown ensues. He doesn’t like to hear the word “no” (who does), and sometimes he has a hard time with transitions if they’re not his idea. He’s only doing these behaviors at home. His daycare provider whom we love so much said that he “has his moments” but for the most part, he’s fine. This tells me that it’s not anything we need to worry about, but we need to figure out how to get through it. In the past, I have worked as a behavioral therapist, so throughout my time as a parent, I have been trying to use what I know. But lately, it’s been hard.
Not All Mornings Are Created Equal
My son and I had a particularly rough morning this week. Something was off and he wanted to start his entire leaving-the-house routine over. This included me going back into the house so that he could get into our car before me.
Before I tell you what happened, I want to say that usually, I pick my battles. There are some days that I’ll shut the car door again so he can be the one to open it. Or I’ll get him a new graham cracker because his first one had broken in the wrong spot. Yes, these are real-life scenarios people. But on that particular day, I wasn’t going to give in.
We weren’t in a rush, but at that moment I felt that I needed to teach him that in life we don’t always get to re-do things. In hindsight, it might not have been the best time to teach him this valuable life lesson, but that’s what I decided to do. And I held firm.
When Parenting Gets Real AF
After screaming at each other, fighting over the seatbelt, and lots of tears, I dropped him off and went to work. I felt like I couldn’t post my normal “it’s cool to not drink alcohol” planned Instagram content that day. I decided to share what was happening in real life because that’s part of it too. Since quitting drinking I’ve had to figure out how to manage my bad days without alcohol. And I know that a lot of people can relate. I posted a selfie on my page and shared what had happened. I was honest, and vulnerable, and I asked for advice.
The comments and messages immediately started to flood in. I couldn’t keep up. I got messages thanking me for being transparent and showing my reality. I got comments from people sending hope and good vibes. Parents shared their struggles and some just stood in solidarity with me. I received a ton of advice (see the end of this blog).
One person’s message read:
“I cried reading this. A lot. I’m sorry you’re having a tough season. But I also want to thank you for sharing this, because lately, I’ve been feeling like I have to be this PERFECT mom that never yells or loses her temper because that’s what IG tells me to do!”
This is why I tell my story.
If I hadn’t spoken up about what had happened, I would have never received the support I didn’t know I needed. There wouldn’t have been a space for people to talk about what they’re struggling with. I would not have gotten so much advice to use in this whirlwind life of parenting.
The truth is, we’re all struggling with something. Some with parenting, some with relationships, jobs, or our mental health. The same thought I always come back to is…telling our stories helps each other feel less alone. By sharing my struggle, others felt seen.
This is why I’ll keep sharing.
As far as my thoughts about that day? What I’ve realized through a lot of reflection is that my son is like me. When I get overwhelmed or something doesn’t go the way I thought it would go, I get irritated. Everything goes wrong. The difference is that I’ve learned ways to deal with those moments. He hasn’t. I guess that’s my job to teach him, right? The funny thing is – that he’s the one teaching me to have patience and grace.
After reading all the comments and messages, I reflected on this difficult season we’re in. I know one thing for sure. I’m doing the best I can. I’m using the tools I have and I love him so much it hurts. I’m the best mom for him, and I know he knows it. I can tell when he comes at me with open arms each day. I can tell when he looks to me for help when he’s skinned his knee. He depends on me and I’ll always be there for him. I’m so insanely lucky to be his mom.
Here’s some advice I received:
- They need choices so they feel like they’re in control …but the choices can be of your choosing.
- Redirection. Instead of continuing to bark orders at them, change the subject.
- Use a checklist, written or pictures of the tasks that need to happen in order.
- Be aware and understand their point of view.
- Pick your battles. When you can, choose not to battle. They can win a battle, but not the war.
- Make amends, talk it through, learn, and then move forward.
- Give yourself grace and forgive yourself after you yell.
- Narrate the situation. “I can see you’re really upset. You wanted to be first and do the buckle. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had more time and you could do it? Sometimes though when it’s time to go it’s time to go.”
- Routines work best.
- When transitions are hard, have them pick something out to take in the car (book, toy, etc.).
- Establish some boundaries. Let your child know what you can handle and you learn to know what they can.
- Step back, breathe, and remind me that your kiddo doesn’t truly realize the impact of their actions or responses and that they don’t have the cognitive ability to do so.
- Reassure them that it’s OK to have big feelings and that you’re there for them.
- Make sure to take care of YOU.
IG Accounts Recommended:
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Dr. Dan Siegel
Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Dr. Siggie Cohen
Conscious Parents
Love what you just read? You can read more from Sober Curator Blair Sharp in THE FACTS OF (AF) LIFE section.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have THE FACTS OF (AF) LIFE. So you’re sober, now what? Well, you’re in the right spot. This is the place to be for all things AF (alcohol-free) living. Remember we’re sober, not boring!
Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
