My goal for 2024 is to take more risks. Be brave. Have courage. Do new things. Challenge my brain. Start dating? Who said that?
It would be nice to have a companion- have more fun, have stimulating conversations, have more joy in my life and yes, take some resistant steps toward more intimacy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girlfriends but there is something about male energy that is desirable to be around. I’m craving something new, a new person, a deep dive with someone, to share life’s struggles with and yes, …physical connection. But mainly, Girls Just wanna have fun, right?
At 64 I have tons of experience at dating. But, just as a precaution, I needed to remind myself of past delusional thinking where I wasn’t seeing clearly who was sitting in front of me. I began to remember previous dating experiences that led to disaster. I wanted to drill these tips down in my brain so I wouldn’t make the same mistakes. You could call these “lessons I’ve learned”, although they may seem obvious. I wanted to get clear about what didn’t work and to have wizard like awareness of the pink/red/maroon/black flags. Instead of spending the next five years trying to make my new boyfriend into who I want them to be, I can exit left. By the way, trying to change someone into the fantasy of who you want them to be-Never works. (See the book Co-Crazy for more information on this topic.)
When we are lonely, or need a distraction, or want to escape or want to avoid reality, we can sometimes think a relationship is the solution. (Reminder: This has never worked.) But just like with drinking, even though we know it stopped working, it did not mean that I stopped doing it. Coming out of addictive behaviors is all about looking at the facts with a clear mind. We who have a tendency towards addiction have the ability to rationalize ANYTHING. (See video on rationalization from Leaving Crazytown) When we want to be in a relationship, this need, or feeling is fertile ground for entering fantasyland. Here are some clues that you may not be in reality. You do not need to make these mistakes; I did the reconnaissance for you.
Dating in Your 60s | Sober (Heterosexual) Dating Tips from Dr. Sarah Michaud:
- Please move on from your attraction to men getting their 24-hour chips in AA. The neediness is cute, but it will NOT be gratifying in the long run.
- Don’t go to funerals and decide that your neighbor from childhood is the future love of your life and your dead mother planned this whole thing from heaven.
- If you go on a date and you are in the passenger seat of a vehicle, and he reaches over randomly to squeeze your breast unexpectedly…note that he may have an impulse control problem.
- Don’t reach out to Ex’s because it feels “right”, it just feels familiar, trust me. Need I say more?
- When you meet someone on a first date at a coffee shop, make sure they arrive in a real car…not a bicycle or a moped- this may represent unresolved DUIs or their inability to keep a job. They need to own a car. Period.
- Basic self-care is important. If they look like they just crawled out of their mom’s basement or maybe still struggle with substances or don’t own a brush or don’t believe in purchasing decent clothes. BYE! This should be a no brainer. (The part of your brain that now wants to save, fix, change or help them may get activated. This is dangerous. Step away slowly and find the emergency exit.)
- If they need to talk about themselves for two hours without breathing or asking you a question, please know, this is your future. Unless you are trained to be a therapist, this will lead to many, many, many resentments later. #Narcissism
- If they begin commenting on any body part or what they would like to do to that body part, just know, they have one thing on their mind and they really don’t know how to relate in a normal conversation. #sexaddict
- Just because they may have a great body, terrific smile, handsome looks, and you begin to get that zingy feeling…Remember the following extremely important information. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS PERSON. THIS IS TOTAL FANTASY. Your brain has been taken over by huge rushes of dopamine. You may need to go to the bathroom to breathe and repeat the following sentence. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS PERSON. When you return to the table, just try to hear what is coming out of his mouth. Just notice what is happening to your mind and body, it has been temporarily hijacked. Focus on facts. #loveaddiction
- Lastly, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. This is critical. If you have identified clearly what you want in a person and they are not sitting in front of you then re-assess, re-align, and retreat. It is not personal. Do not rationalize or think YOU will be the one to change them into who you want them to be, this is delusional. Trust me.
Sober Curator Pro Tip: Check out this Leaving CrazyTown video where Finn and Sarah discuss how we want to rationalize anything when it comes to wanting to find Love!”
LEAVING CRAZYTOWN: Welcome to Leaving CrazyTown, a YouTube channel created by Dr. Sarah Michaud and Finn Allen dedicated to helping individuals navigate the ups and downs of life, including the struggle with codependency. Through their personal experiences and expertise in mental health, they offer unfiltered insights and strategies to help viewers overcome challenges and lead more fulfilling lives. Their videos cover topics such as anxiety, depression, relationships, self-improvement, and much more. This channel is for anyone looking for guidance and motivation to improve their mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. Join the Leaving CrazyTown community today and take the first step towards a happier and healthier life.
LEAVING CRAZYTOWN: Co-Dependency Made Me Co-Crazy by Dr. Sarah Michaud
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