I never heard of Grayson Murray until a few days ago. I’m not a golfer.
The last time I picked up a golf club heavier than a putter was in the eighth grade. I took a five iron and chunked a divot from the Urban Middle School gym floor.
Grayson Murray was a two-time PGA Tour winner. According to social media, he had just gotten his card back shortly after he became sober, on May 1st, 2023. So, he had just about a year in. But one thing we do have in common, besides our alcoholism, is that we are both co-diagnosed.
According to Mr. Murray, he had depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. I, too, suffer from depression, ADHD, and alcoholism.
When I read a story online that he had passed on Friday night, I knew I was going to need to write something. Because when you die at 30, it is usually not natural—something happened. And unfortunately, on Sunday morning, as I am writing this, it was confirmed that he had committed suicide.
When I was preparing to write something, I did a casual check of social media to learn a little bit about Mr. Murray and see how the recovery community and those outside of it felt and responded to his death. It became clear to me that a lot of folks who are not in recovery don’t understand very well what it’s like to be dually diagnosed or, if you will, to be singularly diagnosed.
The thing about alcoholism or mental illness is that those of us who suffer from it are, at literally anytime, one drink, one moment, from dying, from ending it all. I don’t know everything about Grayson, but I can relate to the pain that he could have been feeling. Often, I think for a brief moment, “Maybe today is a good day to die. Maybe today is a good day to take one more drink.”
On a related note, I’ve had people ask me, “Don’t you have a gun in your house to protect yourself and your family?” I say, “No.”
Mr. Murray only had about a year in, and I know I’m not alone. When talking with friends in the recovery community, we often feel the same way. The same thing that causes us to drink, to use, to do the things that we alcoholics like to do is still there. Not drinking or using doesn’t make it go away.
As many of us in recovery are told, alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It doesn’t mention that it’s often also deadly. And patient.
Mr. Murray died after playing the Masters. He died after his first Tour win. Two weeks ago, he won a big tournament, the Sony Open in Hawaii. He had just gotten engaged to be married. In interviews leading up to the unfortunate Friday night event, he said on more than one occasion, “I am glad that my parents don’t have to worry about me anymore.” I felt that way because I’ve said that. My wife, kids, family, and friends don’t have to worry about me anymore. I’m getting my act together.
But then I heard about Grayson. It reminds me how fragile life is for those of us who are battling mental illness and alcoholism.
I don’t have a gun in my house because I would use it. Because I know that the moment I have a gun in my household, I will use it on myself at some point. And it may not even be a thing of just abstract depression, like “Oh, I’m so horrible. I’m so miserable.” It may be a brief moment where I don’t feel right, and ending it is right.
I sometimes feel this even now, after almost three years of sobriety.
Call 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It provides free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week for people in suicidal crisis or distress. You can learn more about its services here, including its guide on what to do if you see suicidal language on social media. You can also call that number to talk to someone about how you can help a person in crisis. For crisis support in Spanish, call 1-888-628-9454.
For support outside of the US, a worldwide directory of resources and international hotlines is provided by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. You can also turn to Befrienders Worldwide.
Additional articles on Grayson Murray:
- PGA TOUR winner Grayson Murray passes away at 30
- Harry Higgs honors Grayson Murray in heartfelt winner’s speech at Visit Knoxville Open – PGA TOUR
- Grayson Murray, 2-time PGA Tour winner, died by suicide, family says – The Athletic (nytimes.com)
- Grayson Murray’s parents confirm the golfer died by suicide | CNN
- Golfer Grayson Murray died by suicide, family confirms (nbcnews.com)
- Grayson Murray PGA TOUR Player Profile, Stats, Bio, Career
- Grayson Murray wins PGA Tour’s 2024 Sony Open in Hawaii in playoff (usatoday.com)
- Who Is Christiana Ritchie, Grayson Murray’s Fiancée? (msn.com)
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