Close Menu
The Sober CuratorThe Sober Curator
  • HOME
  • ABOUT
    • ❤️ CONTENT
    • CONTRIBUTOR DIRECTORY
    • DEAR READERS✏️
    • MEET THE SOBER CURATOR
    • 📰 PRESS 📺
    • THE SOBEES 🐝
    • CONTACT 📧
  • HAPPY EVERY HOUR
    • NA BEERS AND CIDERS 🍺
    • NON-ALCOHOLIC WINES 🍾
    • NON-ALCOHOLIC SPIRITS 🍸
    • READY TO DRINK 🥤
    • BEHIND THE BAR 🍋‍🟩
    • NA TASTING EVENTS CALENDAR 🗓️
  • HEALTH & WELLNESS
    • BREAK FREE
    • CODEPENDENCY
    • MASTERING MENTAL FITNESS 🧠💪🏼
    • MENTAL HEALTH 🧠
    • RELATIONSHIPS 🤟🏽
    • SOBER NOT SUBTLE
    • SOBER POETRY 🖋️
    • SPEAK OUT! SPEAK LOUD! 🗣️
    • SPIRITUAL SUBSTANCE 🧬
    • WELLNESS AS A WAY OF LIFE
  • LIFESTYLE
    • #ADDTOCART 🛍️
    • ASK MRS. (W)RIGHT ⁉️
    • COMING OUT SOBER 🏳️‍🌈
    • 🏆 CONTENT
    • ✂️CURATED CRAFTS🎨
    • FASHION 👠
    • SHOP 🛒
    • SOBER SPOTLIGHT 🔦
    • SOBER CONTENT CREATION 💻
    • SOBER UNBUZZED FEED
  • ENTERTAINMENT
    • #QUITLIT 📚
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 🍿
    • MUSIC 🎶
    • POPCULTURE
    • RECOVERY PODCASTLAND 🎙️
    • SOBER CURATOR PODCAST 🎧
    • SOBER EVENTS CALENDAR 🗓️
    • SOBER SPORTS
    • TV SHOW REVIEWS 📺
  • TRAVEL & EVENTS
    • SOBER EVENTS CALENDAR 🗓️
    • SOBER RETREATS CALENDAR 🗓️
    • SOBRIETY IN THE CITY
      • SOBER IN MINNEAPOLIS
      • SOBER IN NYC
      • SOBER IN SEATTLE
    • WHAT A TRIP! 🧳
  • SPIRITUAL GANGSTER
    • THE CARD DIVO 🔮
    • CLASSY PROBLEMS
    • SOBERCAST
    • SOBERSCOPES
    • SOBRIETY IN FLOW 🧘🏻‍♀️
    • THIRSTY FOR WONDER
    • SPIRITUAL SUBSTANCE 🧬
    • STOICISM
  • RECOVERY RESOURCES
    • ALCOHOL & SUBSTANCE USE DISORDER RESOURCE GUIDE
    • BREAK FREE FOUNDATION
    • FAMILY RESOURCES
    • GLOSSARY OF ADDICTION AND RECOVERY TERMS
    • LGBTQ+ RECOVERY RESOURCES
    • RECOVERY STORIES
Facebook X (Twitter) Instagram Pinterest YouTube LinkedIn TikTok
The Sober CuratorThe Sober Curator
  • HOME
  • ABOUT
    • ❤️ CONTENT
    • CONTRIBUTOR DIRECTORY
    • DEAR READERS✏️
    • MEET THE SOBER CURATOR
    • 📰 PRESS 📺
    • THE SOBEES 🐝
    • CONTACT 📧
  • HAPPY EVERY HOUR
    • NA BEERS AND CIDERS 🍺
    • NON-ALCOHOLIC WINES 🍾
    • NON-ALCOHOLIC SPIRITS 🍸
    • READY TO DRINK 🥤
    • BEHIND THE BAR 🍋‍🟩
    • NA TASTING EVENTS CALENDAR 🗓️
  • HEALTH & WELLNESS
    • BREAK FREE
    • CODEPENDENCY
    • MASTERING MENTAL FITNESS 🧠💪🏼
    • MENTAL HEALTH 🧠
    • RELATIONSHIPS 🤟🏽
    • SOBER NOT SUBTLE
    • SOBER POETRY 🖋️
    • SPEAK OUT! SPEAK LOUD! 🗣️
    • SPIRITUAL SUBSTANCE 🧬
    • WELLNESS AS A WAY OF LIFE
  • LIFESTYLE
    • #ADDTOCART 🛍️
    • ASK MRS. (W)RIGHT ⁉️
    • COMING OUT SOBER 🏳️‍🌈
    • 🏆 CONTENT
    • ✂️CURATED CRAFTS🎨
    • FASHION 👠
    • SHOP 🛒
    • SOBER SPOTLIGHT 🔦
    • SOBER CONTENT CREATION 💻
    • SOBER UNBUZZED FEED
  • ENTERTAINMENT
    • #QUITLIT 📚
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 🍿
    • MUSIC 🎶
    • POPCULTURE
    • RECOVERY PODCASTLAND 🎙️
    • SOBER CURATOR PODCAST 🎧
    • SOBER EVENTS CALENDAR 🗓️
    • SOBER SPORTS
    • TV SHOW REVIEWS 📺
  • TRAVEL & EVENTS
    • SOBER EVENTS CALENDAR 🗓️
    • SOBER RETREATS CALENDAR 🗓️
    • SOBRIETY IN THE CITY
      • SOBER IN MINNEAPOLIS
      • SOBER IN NYC
      • SOBER IN SEATTLE
    • WHAT A TRIP! 🧳
  • SPIRITUAL GANGSTER
    • THE CARD DIVO 🔮
    • CLASSY PROBLEMS
    • SOBERCAST
    • SOBERSCOPES
    • SOBRIETY IN FLOW 🧘🏻‍♀️
    • THIRSTY FOR WONDER
    • SPIRITUAL SUBSTANCE 🧬
    • STOICISM
  • RECOVERY RESOURCES
    • ALCOHOL & SUBSTANCE USE DISORDER RESOURCE GUIDE
    • BREAK FREE FOUNDATION
    • FAMILY RESOURCES
    • GLOSSARY OF ADDICTION AND RECOVERY TERMS
    • LGBTQ+ RECOVERY RESOURCES
    • RECOVERY STORIES
The Sober CuratorThe Sober Curator
Home - Relationship Conflicts: Taking the Bait
CODEPENDENCY

Relationship Conflicts: Taking the Bait

Dr. Sarah MichaudBy Dr. Sarah MichaudFebruary 7, 20246 Mins Read
Share
Facebook Twitter LinkedIn Pinterest Email

What do relationship experts mean when they use the term “Taking the Bait?” Think about a fish hooked on a fishing line without the ability to unhook themselves. This is what happens when we get hooked in a conversation. We want to defend ourselves or double down on our point of view. We can also get triggered immediately into codependent traits, such as urgently feeling the need to fix, change, and save someone or just get them to understand! We end up like the fish, flailing about, wondering how we got into this situation. 

Do you have people in your life who can activate you like no other humans? Part of recovering from codependency is identifying who these folks are and how to get beyond activation and improve our communication skills. We want 

to stop relentlessly riding an emotional rollercoaster based on other people’s behavior. The three people over the years who could “drive me crazy” were my dad, my ex, and my son. Kids, parents, and exes are fertile ground for this reactivity. 

One of the biggest practices in codependency recovery is learning how to “not go to every fight you’re invited to.” Particular people in our lives know what buttons to push, and our jobs are to do what I call “the Columbo.” Do you know the old show Columbo with the detective who appeared to be slow, dumb, and clueless, but behind that extra-large raincoat, messy hair, and sneaky smile, he was figuring it all out? A suspect would throw out bait angrily and defensively, “How could you blame me for that?” And he would calmly say something in response like…”Oh, forgive me. I don’t think you’re guilty; I’m just trying to get clarification. I need your help.” He remained calm and never reacted to what the bad guys were dishing out. He calmly paused, took a breath, and responded. 

We have loved ones who are keenly aware of throwing firecrackers, which land on our heads, leading to an explosive reaction, and others have no idea that they are upsetting us. A known baiter is someone who knows exactly what to say to get a particular response. (My 22-year-old son.) They may do this behavior to transfer blame, take the focus off of themselves, continue participating in an addiction, ameliorate guilt, and/or just be committed to a familiar way of relating. They are experts at displacing feelings. 

Then there are people who have no idea what they are saying or doing and wonder why people get upset with them. There can be a variety of reasons for these personalities. They may be people with substance abuse issues, victims, chronically angry people, people in constant crisis, people who never change, people who are addicted to chaos, people addicted to problems and suffering, passive-aggressive people, help-rejectors, people who think they know everything and many more. The bottom line is no matter how these people behave, we are still responsible for our own reactions, happiness, and choices. 

One common clue that you are receiving bait is that in your head, a voice may say, “Are you fking kidding me right now?” This happened to me when I was engaged, and my fiance told me, “I’m wondering if I should go to Sweden for a week. I may have some unfinished business with a woman there.” What did he just say? Are we not engaged? Sweden, where they take nude hot tubs? He had to communicate this now?!

The other clue we are hooked or activated by this relational dynamic is we have an intense bodily response where we feel compelled to take immediate action! For example, a good friend called me and asked me questions about his depression when I had spent the last ten years trying to “help” him by giving numerous suggestions over the years. The fact is he has never taken any of them. 

We want to heal from our own bait activation, so we don’t engage, reinforce, or continue this relational insanity. We need tools to avoid engaging in this type of conversation, which leads to escalation and unhappiness for both parties.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What does this interaction remind me of from childhood? 
  • Why am I so invested in changing this person?
  • What am I afraid to lose?
  • What old wound am I really responding to, which is inside of me and has nothing to do with them? 
  • What do I need to do to unhook myself and exit this interaction?

Tools:

When someone says something that has now activated you, stop, pause, and notice what is happening in your body. Remember, you are just having intense bodily sensations. Breathe 

Notice the story your mind is making up about this interaction. Remember – what is coming out of the other person’s mouth is Not About You It is coming from their history, their psychology, their wounds, their unresolved issues 

Remind yourself that they have no other way to communicate, and you can only be responsible for your responses. If you can’t say something calmly back, these are some suggestions on what to say: 

“I need some time to think; I’ll get back to you,” “I’m having negative feelings right now, so I’m going to take time out to process,” or Just Don’t say anything 

Know what you want and deserve. Look at the facts of the situation. For example, My friend just wants to call and vent about how he feels; he really doesn’t want any help with his depression. This means I need to notice my grief and frustration around my friend’s issue. Period. 

When you become more skillful at communicating and not reacting, your life will be more peaceful, joyful, and calm. It requires practice and a deep dive into your own history of communication, but it will lead you to freedom from relationship insanity. Check out Sarah’s book Co-Crazy for more Deep Dives.

Leaving CrazyTown with Finn & Sarah



LEAVING CRAZYTOWN: Welcome to Leaving CrazyTown, a YouTube channel created by Dr. Sarah Michaud and Finn Allen dedicated to helping individuals navigate the ups and downs of life, including the struggle with codependency. Through their personal experiences and expertise in mental health, they offer unfiltered insights and strategies to help viewers overcome challenges and lead more fulfilling lives. Their videos cover topics such as anxiety, depression, relationships, self-improvement, and much more. This channel is for anyone looking for guidance and motivation to improve their mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. Join the Leaving CrazyTown community today and take the first step towards a happier and healthier life.


The Sober Curator Email newsletter
SOBERSCRIBE NOW!
Resources Are Available

If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.

follow the sober curator on instagram

Follow The Sober Curator on Instagram

Share. Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn WhatsApp Reddit Tumblr Email
Dr. Sarah Michaud
  • Website

Dr. Sarah Michaud, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist in central Massachusetts. After twenty years of sobriety, she was forced to confront the shame of her husband relapsing and the desperate behaviors that occur when one attempts to save another. What unfolded was a life that she could never have imagined. Sarah hosts a YouTube channel with her friend Finn Allen called Leaving CrazyTown.

Related Posts

The Tiger by Gucci Demi Moore

The Substance — But Make It Gucci

October 19, 2025
HECK CANS NA Beer Portland OR

Sober Spotlight: Andy McMillan of Heck Brewing 

October 18, 2025
Hummingbird Heart Co. NA Bottle Shop Ashland OR

Sober Spotlight: Hummingbird Heart

October 11, 2025

Comments are closed.

The Wellspring by Thirsty for Wonder A Celtic Recovery Journey
Capsule Adventures Ryan Lee
The Sober Curator Podcast now streaming
Sober City Mobile App
SOBERSCRIBE AND GET ON THE LIST!
Sober Events at The Sober Curator
7 events found.
  • Week of October 20
  • Previous week
  • Next week
Notice
No events scheduled for October 20, 2025.
Notice
No events scheduled for October 21, 2025.
7:00 pm
BigVision Recovery Horror Film Reading
October 22 @ 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm PDT

BigVision Recovery Horror Film Reading

BigVision 309 Social Club 309 East 49th Street @ 2nd Ave, New York
$15.00
Ongoing
15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025
October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am PDT

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

Hill Country RV Resort and Event Center 17740 Texas 16, Medina
$55.20
7:00 pm
Sober Dating + Comedy | Sober AF Bottle Shop Tacoma, WA
October 23 @ 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm PDT

Sober Dating + Comedy | Sober AF Bottle Shop Tacoma, WA

SOBER AF Bottle Shop Tacoma 5222 S Tacoma Way, Tacoma
$28.52
Ongoing
15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025
October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am PDT

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

Hill Country RV Resort and Event Center 17740 Texas 16, Medina
$55.20
12:00 pm
Recovery in Practice – 2 Day Conference
October 24 @ 12:00 pm - 9:00 pm PDT

Recovery in Practice – 2 Day Conference

Bodecker Foundation 2360 NW Quimby St., Portland
Free
3:00 pm
Speed Dating: Sober & In Recovery
October 24 @ 3:30 pm - 7:00 pm PDT

Speed Dating: Sober & In Recovery

Planted Cafe 333 Smith Street, Brooklyn
$40.00
+ 1 More
Ongoing
15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025
October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am PDT

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

Hill Country RV Resort and Event Center 17740 Texas 16, Medina
$55.20
MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures
October 25 @ 5:00 am - November 2 @ 2:00 pm PDT

MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures

Cusco, the Salktanay Trail, and Machu Picchu!
See website
Antigua 12 Sober Travel Retreat
October 25 @ 9:00 am - November 1 @ 5:00 pm PDT

Antigua 12 Sober Travel Retreat

$4000 – $5000
5:00 am
Shatterproof Walks to End Addiction Stigma
October 25 @ 5:00 am - 9:00 am PDT

Shatterproof Walks to End Addiction Stigma

Pier 76 Hudson River Park 408 12th Avenue, New York
11:00 am
Happy.Sober.Free: Madison Meet-Up
October 25 @ 11:00 am - 6:30 pm PDT

Happy.Sober.Free: Madison Meet-Up

Goodman Community Center - Iron Works 149 Waubesa Street, Madison
$111.00
Recovery in Practice – 2 Day Conference
October 25 @ 11:00 am - 9:00 pm PDT

Recovery in Practice – 2 Day Conference

Bodecker Foundation 2360 NW Quimby St., Portland
Free
+ 6 More
Ongoing
15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025
October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am PDT

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

Hill Country RV Resort and Event Center 17740 Texas 16, Medina
$55.20
MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures
October 25 @ 5:00 am - November 2 @ 2:00 pm PDT

MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures

Cusco, the Salktanay Trail, and Machu Picchu!
See website
Antigua 12 Sober Travel Retreat
October 25 @ 9:00 am - November 1 @ 5:00 pm PDT

Antigua 12 Sober Travel Retreat

$4000 – $5000

Week of Events

Mon 20
Tue 21
Wed 22
Thu 23
Fri 24
Sat 25
Sun 26
October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am <span class='timezone'> PDT </span>

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am PDT

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025 Join us for the 15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025! Where all clean and sober motorcycle riders can gather annually in the Tx Hill

$55.20
October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am <span class='timezone'> PDT </span>

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am <span class='timezone'> PDT </span>

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

October 25 @ 5:00 am - November 2 @ 2:00 pm <span class='timezone'> PDT </span>

MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures

MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures

October 25 @ 5:00 am - November 2 @ 2:00 pm PDT

MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures

MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures Our journey blends the culture and cuisine of Cusco with the legendary Salkantay Trail, culminating at the Incan masterpiece of Machu Picchu. Trek through shifting

See website
October 25 @ 9:00 am - November 1 @ 5:00 pm <span class='timezone'> PDT </span>

Antigua 12 Sober Travel Retreat

Antigua 12 Sober Travel Retreat

October 25 @ 9:00 am - November 1 @ 5:00 pm PDT

Antigua 12 Sober Travel Retreat

Rediscover Peace & Purpose in Antiqua If you’re in recovery—whether newly sober or years into your journey—and ready to reconnect with your purpose, build meaningful connections, and embrace a life

$4000 – $5000
October 23 @ 2:00 pm - October 26 @ 10:00 am <span class='timezone'> PDT </span>

15th Annual Texas Serenity Run 2025

October 25 @ 5:00 am - November 2 @ 2:00 pm <span class='timezone'> PDT </span>

MACHU PICCHU | Capsule Adventures

October 25 @ 9:00 am - November 1 @ 5:00 pm <span class='timezone'> PDT </span>

Antigua 12 Sober Travel Retreat

October 22, 2025 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
BigVision Recovery Horror Film Reading
October 22 @ 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm PDT

BigVision Recovery Horror Film Reading

BigVision Recovery Horror Film Reading Step into the shadows for a spine-chilling evening at the 309 Social Club. Join us for a live reading of In The Ghost Light, a recovery-themed

$15.00
October 23, 2025 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Sober Dating + Comedy | Sober AF Bottle Shop Tacoma, WA
October 23 @ 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm PDT

Sober Dating + Comedy | Sober AF Bottle Shop Tacoma, WA

Sober Dating + Comedy | Sober AF Bottle Shop Tacoma, WA Sober speed dating comedy event, where sober singles can date other singles at a venue not centered around drinking!

$28.52
October 24, 2025 12:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Recovery in Practice – 2 Day Conference
October 24 @ 12:00 pm - 9:00 pm PDT

Recovery in Practice – 2 Day Conference

Recovery in Practice - 2 Day Conference Recovery in Practice—a free two-day conference—will take place October 24-25, 2025, in NW Portland, uniting artists, authors, activists and researchers for workshops, panel

Free
October 24, 2025 3:30 pm - 7:00 pm
Speed Dating: Sober & In Recovery
October 24 @ 3:30 pm - 7:00 pm PDT

Speed Dating: Sober & In Recovery

Speed Dating: Sober & In Recovery Find Your Match! - A Dating & Social Series for Everyone! Different Themes every week. Different Vibes. One Community. Speed Dating: Sober / In

$40.00
October 24, 2025 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm
Rocky Horror Picture Show Night at SOBER AF Zero Proof Bottle Shop
October 24 @ 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm PDT

Rocky Horror Picture Show Night at SOBER AF Zero Proof Bottle Shop

Rocky Horror Picture Show Night Time & Location Oct 24, 2025, 5:00 PM Sober AF Zero Proof Bottle Shop, 5222 S Tacoma Way, Tacoma, WA 98409, USA About the event

See website
+ 1 More
October 25, 2025 5:00 am - 9:00 am
Shatterproof Walks to End Addiction Stigma
October 25 @ 5:00 am - 9:00 am PDT

Shatterproof Walks to End Addiction Stigma

Shatterproof Walks to End Addiction Stigma Together, we walk to end addiction stigma and restore hope for those impacted by substance use disorder. Together, we can change attitudes and save

October 25, 2025 11:00 am - 6:30 pm
Happy.Sober.Free: Madison Meet-Up
October 25 @ 11:00 am - 6:30 pm PDT

Happy.Sober.Free: Madison Meet-Up

Happy.Sober.Free: Madison Meet-Up Join us for an epic sober and wellness event where we will gather, connect and have fun! The day will feature yoga, live music & much more!

$111.00
October 25, 2025 11:00 am - 9:00 pm
Recovery in Practice – 2 Day Conference
October 25 @ 11:00 am - 9:00 pm PDT

Recovery in Practice – 2 Day Conference

Recovery in Practice - 2 Day Conference Recovery in Practice—a free two-day conference—will take place October 24-25, 2025, in NW Portland, uniting artists, authors, activists and researchers for workshops, panel

Free
+ 6 More
View Calendar
Thirty for Wonder by Anne Marie Cribbin
The Sober Curator
Facebook Instagram X (Twitter) TikTok YouTube Pinterest
  • PRIVACY POLICY
  • LINKS DISCLAIMER
  • EDITORIAL GUIDELINES
  • TERMS OF SERVICE
  • REFUND POLICY
  • DON’T SELL MY INFO
  • DATA SUBJECT REQUEST FORM
  • CONTACT US
© 2025 The Sober Curator - Benefits of a Alcohol Free Lifestyle

Type above and press Enter to search. Press Esc to cancel.