I have always felt a burning desire, a yearning for something greater than myself. I craved an adventure that would ignite my soul and make me feel truly alive. The thrill of the chase, the excitement of the unknown – I searched for these things. But simultaneously, if I weren’t in control, I would usually opt out. People, storms, roller coasters, fast speeds–the thought of being at the mercy of something or someone else terrified me to my core. The possible consequences turned me off if I was not in the driver’s seat. However, if I were in the driver’s seat…well, I am fortunate I have never been arrested. So, the battle ensued between my desire for adventure and my need for control.
Control.
I was raised in an environment where walking on eggshells was the norm and losing control of oneself had dire consequences. That fear of losing control followed me into college. Then, I discovered alcohol. It was like a double-edged sword – it empowered me, yet ironically, it also took away my power. I convinced myself that I could handle it and was still in charge. But alcohol quickly became my crutch, my excuse for any thoughtless behavior: “Well, I was drunk, so…”
I first started drinking to blow off steam and relax.
It began as occasional binge sessions, maybe once or twice a month. But as I got older, it became more frequent, almost a daily habit. I even found myself quitting jobs and losing touch with friends because alcohol had become such a big part of my life. Ironically, I worked in the field of mental health for over ten years. I eventually burned out due to various reasons, but I was in denial about my need to take a step back and focus on my mental health, so I kept going. At some point, I became a server while still trying to hold on to working in mental health because that’s what I thought I was “supposed to do.”
As a server, I always calculated how much money I had to spend on drinks, looked for the cheapest bars, and planned my drinking according to their closing times. Looking back, I realized how methodical I had become without even realizing it. Drinking was my main job. It was like a never-ending cycle of insanity.
Then, I started to become exhausted and sick. My face grew pale, and any nutrients I got were quickly flushed out. Finally, in December 2018, I found a path to recovery, and miraculously, I haven’t drunk since.
But for three more years, I struggled with many other types of addictions.
I was working on my alcoholism, but that was it. I got a great job and excelled at first but lost it within two years, ending my run working in mental health. Ultimately, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
At some point in the spring of 2021, I was severely concussed, COVID-19 reared its ugly head, and I fell deeper into the cycle. After one particularly insane binge, I knew either I would drink again and end up 6 feet under (which was my plan), or I would sober up fully—in mind, body, and spirit. Neither sounded enticing at the time, so I called a close friend in tears.
Now, I have been fully sober since April 4th, 2021.
I reached out to people across the globe through an app called Clubhouse and reached out to those locally. I spent a few months of “transient living.” Within my first two weeks of being sober, my dad passed away. This was a very intense and rough time for me, resulting in another job loss. This event also nullified any of my reasons to go back out and drink in such a short amount of time. I now follow a recovery program centered on being honest with myself and others, and I continue to grow in my sobriety.
I chase reasons to stay sober.
Today, I do not have a list of reasons to go back out. I still chase, but now I chase personal challenges, travel, and a power greater than myself. I chase reasons to stay sober. Each day, I am learning to let go more and more. I have held a job for two years and earned two professional certifications. I have traveled a lot. I’ve visited 22 states and hope to add to that. I now have amazing friends and a support system. I skydived last summer and am taking life on while slowly learning how to let go of control. My life is beautiful, and pieces are continually starting to connect.
I am loved, and I am learning to love.
I continue to seek adventure, but that which is greater than chaos.
And life right now is pretty damn great.
Light Journey Photography by April Burt
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