I’m single. I’m sober. And I just bought my first house at the age of 46. Although I was an early bloomer for puberty, I was a late bloomer at becoming an adult. Back in 2005, six months before getting sober and at the age of 30, I cashed out my entire 401K savings from my 20s. Packing up my nine-year-old son and myself, I pulled a geographic and moved us out of the small town where I was born, relocating us two hours north to the Emerald City. If you’re not familiar with the term, ‘geographic’ is commonly used in the recovery community to describe moving somewhere new, assuming it will give you a clean slate—a fresh start. People who suffer from addiction issues are obsessed with the idea of starting over. The problem with this theory is that wherever you go, there you are. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was the cause of the problem. Not my friends, my job, and my drinking made it worse. So, so much worse. It was magical thinking that drinking in a new city with a new job would somehow be different.
On The Move & The Not So Glamorous Life
Cashing out my 401 (k), I took the money and paid the first month’s rent, last month’s rent, and a deposit on an expensive two-bedroom, two-bath apartment. You know, the kind that had lots of amenities including a gym, party room, and lavish pool area. I bought a new, expensive, dark chocolate-colored leather couch sectional, a new costly pillow-top bed, and various home decor items. I decided to embrace the glamorous life I thought I was about to start living in this new space. I secured a job at The Seattle Times as an Advertising Executive, with my main client list consisting of luxury automotive dealers. I had arrived.
Mommy wine culture was the theme for my kitchen decor, and my dining room evoked the Mad Men martini era. I idolized drinking and the glamour I thought came with it, apparent in almost every room of our home. Months later, after getting sober and taking all of the alcohol decorations down, I felt just as empty on the inside as my house looked on the outside.
Then I Hit My Bottom
It took no time for me to blow through those decade-long savings of my 401K as I sat in my new cushy apartment. I drank and drank and drank while re-watching episodes of Sex & the City, using cocaine to keep me from blacking out. A little over six months later, my world came crashing to a halt. I was the most broken I’d ever been, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing that bad had happened per se. But, I knew I was on the brink of losing it all: my son, my job, my car, my home.
My sobriety date is May 1st, 2006. You can read my story of how this came to be here. It would be seven years before I could start putting money back into a 401 (k). I was newly sober, a single mom, living in the big city, paycheck to paycheck, and not receiving child support. The sober shit had gotten real.
On The Move, Again
In the first ten years of my recovery from alcohol and substance abuse disorder, I also developed a shopping addiction and became a workaholic. As a sober advertising executive turned publisher, I was skilled at generating revenue, but I was even more adept at spending it. I loved the high I got from shopping, especially when I would find good deals. Queen of playing the smoke and mirrors game, I’ve always had the knack of making a little look like a lot. Ensuring my son and I were dressed stylishly, with a refrigerator full of food, made me feel rich. I had him when I was 21, and those first few years, we depended on state assistance and food stamps—the more money I made, the more money I spent.
By the time I was ten years sober, I was making more money than I’d ever made before, and I also had more debt than I had ever had before. And outside of owning a nice Cadillac, along with memories and photos from fun and fantastic trips, a closet full of gorgeous clothes, and a massive shoe collection, I had nothing to show for it. I had somehow taken the “One day at a time” motto perhaps a little too literally. I was living in the moment without a care in the world about saving for the future.
We moved five times during those short ten years. Owning a home was never something I desired. I was terrified of commitment. I fancied myself a free bird that could pack up and move at a moment’s notice. Single this entire time and a hopeless romantic; I assumed eventually I’d meet “the one” and either he’d already owned a home that I would happily move into, or we’d buy something together. Surely, buying a home wouldn’t be something I did all by myself.
And Then Came Along 2020 & The Global Pandemic
In July 2019, I moved for the 24th time since leaving my parents’ house for the first time at the age of 18, back in 1993. By now, my son was an adult and living with a girlfriend, and this would be the first place I’d move into that was just for me. I found a quaint two-bedroom, two-bath apartment on the east side of Seattle that had an on-site dog park, workout room, rooftop BBQ, and fireplace. It was a short walk from a lake, a 15-minute drive to my office, and only two miles from a Costco. I was going to take the 2nd room and turn it into my cloffice (closet + office hybrid). Five days into my new bachelorette pad, my son called in tears and asked if he could come back home.
This immediately transformed a spacious one-human and two-dog apartment into a much cozier situation by adding another human and all the accompanying belongings. Mainly gaming equipment, clothing, and shoes. (He gets that from me.) Little did we know, nine months later, in March 2020, the world would come to a screeching halt, and we’d live another two years together in this shoebox apartment, with a tiny patio overlooking the parking lot of the condos next door.
It wouldn’t have been so bad, except that we weren’t even leaving the apartment. My son and I are both immune-compromised, so we took even more extreme measures to protect ourselves from exposure to COVID than the average person. In the end, I ended up getting Covid twice! The first time landed me in the hospital, scary with a capital S! With the exception of taking weeks staying with my parents back in our hometown, we spent basically two years moving around in the same 1,120 square feet, trying not to kill each other.
It’s Time To Buy A House
By December of 2021, I had reached my goal of becoming 100% debt-free, an endeavor I’d started back in 2016. It took me five years to pay off nearly $60K of debt. Feeling constantly claustrophobic for the last two years, I now desire to own a home with more space and a fenced backyard for our two Boston Terriers, Roxie and Bella. My son and I actually cohabitate pretty well together, so I had no problem factoring him into my next move. I started doing some research, habitually checking Zillow regularly.
Step #1: Get An Agent
One of my besties introduced me to Kristine Emerson, a local real estate agent in the greater Seattle metro area with Windermere. On a cold December day, huddled over warm cups of coffee in a quaint, locally owned coffee shop in Issaquah, Kristine walked me through the steps to get the home-buying process started. I immediately felt a connection and trust with Kristine. She was also a single mom and explained things to me in a way I could easily understand. Armed with a head swirling with new knowledge, a tummy full of coffee, a fancy folder filled with pamphlets of information, and our signed contract, I walked out of that coffee shop feeling confident, “I can do this” attitude.
Step #2: Get A Loan Officer
This part was a bit trickier for me. I didn’t have the best track record with my finances. Before getting sober, I’d filed for bankruptcy once. I’d also gone through not one, but two debt consolidation companies over the years to help me pay down the debt I so easily accrued with my impulsive #addtocart skills. The first loan officer I tried to work with was a close personal friend, and unfortunately, the credit union he works for didn’t want to finance someone with such a risky history. I can’t say that I blame them.
Months passed, and I didn’t take any action. Well, except for addictively checking Zillow six times a day, and reading real estate headlines in the media. Leave it to me to decide now, of all times, to buy a home. As I watched interest rates begin to rise and read article after article about how they were going to keep rising, it all seemed rather gloomy. Additionally, homes in the greater Seattle area were selling for $ 100,000 over the asking price. My self-confidence in my home ownership plan felt stalled as I second-guessed my decision to even become a homeowner in the first place. I continued to scroll Zillow, praying daily and actively practicing “Letting go, and letting God.” And then out of seemingly nowhere, loan officer Matthew Darren Wall of Ping Home Loans appeared in two different community groups that I was a part of within the same week. I immediately knew this was a connection that was simply meant to be.
Matthew has a passion for real estate investing and understands the power of home ownership. Give him a chance, and he will talk to you about it for hours. His depth of knowledge is impressive. One of the communities we met in, Sales Sidekick, was a small group of entrepreneurs who collaborated once a month, learning new processes and sharing best practices. There, I learned how Matthew was working on growing his business and creating his brand. With my background in media, I approached him and asked if he would be interested in being my loan officer. I went on to explain that he could teach me everything I need to know about the financial process surrounding home ownership. In exchange, I would pretend not to know anything. (Which, let me be clear, was going to be very easy for me since I actually didn’t know anything.) We could film our conversations and then he’d have content to build out his brand, and I’d have someone I trusted to tell me just enough information, without overwhelming me, to help me make the right decisions.
Step #3: Time To Start Shopping
This is when shit got real. Matthew explained, and Kristine, my real estate agent, seconded, that I just needed to attend numerous open houses. Even go to the ones you don’t think you’ll like. Listen to my inner intuition. Could I imagine myself living there? What were the features I wanted? What were the features I didn’t like? What were my deal breakers? How open was I to the location?
Knowing that I was working with a budget I had to stay within, I set off in my gunmetal Jeep Wrangler to explore various neighborhoods and cities in the suburbs of the greater Seattle area. I concentrated on areas to the north and east and tried to remain open to considering the west or the south ends. Matthew kept reminding me this wasn’t going to be my “forever” home. I needed to keep an open mind and consider this a way to expand my investment portfolio. It just so happens that I’m going to live in this investment for the next few years, until I’ve saved up and built up enough equity to flip it into a rental, and then go through the process again. Nerves rattled, I keep telling myself, “You can do this, Bryson. YOU can do this.” But in the back of my mind, it still felt crazy that I was doing this all by myself.
Step #4: Start Making Offers
Both Matthew and Kristine explained to me that I shouldn’t get my hopes up that I would win my first offer. On average, people were getting homes somewhere around their 8th offer. Kristine patiently met me at houses that I liked on the inside, but then I couldn’t handle the neighborhood surrounding them. I can do anything to make the inside of a home look cute. I’ve got a knack for that. However, I cannot change or improve the neighborhood.
I started using Google Earth to really investigate a neighborhood once I found a house I liked online. Finally, I found a cute house north of Seattle that had everything on my required checklist: a roof, walls, a minimum of three bedrooms, a minimum of two bathrooms, a fenced backyard, and it felt safe. As someone who is also a sexual abuse survivor, safety is a huge deciding factor for me. And while there are never any guarantees, I at least wanted to feel safe and not be scared to be home alone.
I was hoping for a house and not a condo or townhouse. In the almost 26 years my son has been alive, we’ve only ever lived in a house three times. (Not counting the countless times I moved us in and out of my parents’ house during my 20s.) Each of these times was pretty short-lived. Having a real home, not tied to others, was essential to both of us. Not only did we want more space to live in square footage-wise, but we also wanted more space to live outside, watching our dogs run to their little hearts’ content, planning BBQs, and bonfires. Maybe I’d even try to take up gardening.
I worked with Kristine and Matthew to craft the most compelling offer possible. I even wrote a love letter to the owners of this home, explaining how far I’ve come in life and how I will continue to take pride and care of the house they were leaving behind. And then I waited. Patience may be a virtue, but it’s not one that comes naturally to me. In the agony of those 24+ plus hours, I practiced more “Letting go, and letting God.”
I’d already started moving into this house inside my head. Making plans for where I would put my furniture, eclectic art, and collection of tchotchkes. I didn’t get the house. I came in second place, which means absolutely nothing when you’re buying a home. Sigh. Back to the drawing board. One house rejection down, with at least seven more to go. I was devastated and contemplated giving up. Maybe I’m just meant to be one of those people who rent forever.
A few days and open houses later, I adjusted my strategy and mapped out 15 houses in all locations around western Washington. Determined to figure this out before interest rates rose again, I needed to find my home. I spent four hours driving around, eating watermelon and beef jerky, and listening to my favorite hip-hop motivational playlist as I explored neighborhoods I’d never been to before.
Step #5: Keep Making Offers
Goonies never say die, and I was getting on this home ownership bus one way or another. Enter house number two. The market felt like it was moving so fast; in some cases, I felt like I needed to make offers, even if I hadn’t had a chance to see the inside of a home. Thirty minutes south of where I currently live, I took a drive-by and determined, without even seeing the inside of the house, that I could live here. I was ready to make my 2nd offer. Let’s do this!
On May the Fourth (be with you), I called Matthew and Kristine and told them to get the paperwork ready. Kristine somehow managed to pull some strings, and I was able to get inside the house before submitting the official paperwork, which was due in just a few hours. With my first step into the house, I immediately felt at home. This house has a very similar floor plan to my childhood home, where my parents still live all these years later. Built in the same decade, it even has nearly the exact same brick mantel and fireplace. Walking through the place very quickly, I probably spent less than 10 minutes in the house before walking out, calling Kristine, and giving her the green light. Even after all these years of recovery, I remain extremely impulsive.
Step #6: Panic and Phone a Friend
Later that night, I panicked thinking about what I had just done. What if I get this one? Do I really want it? Or was I bidding on it to get through the rejection quickly so that I could get to my real house faster? Is buying a home like dating? I’ve never been good with rejection, and now I was rejecting this house. Matthew did an incredible job of calming my nerves and reminding me of the plan. Explaining I don’t have to live here forever, and this is how I’m going to increase my investment portfolio. His calm, steady manner and confidence were the voice of reason I needed to hear, as panicky thoughts kept swirling around in my head.
As it turned out, the force was with me that day. I missed the call from my agent that evening, but when we finally connected early the next morning, she squealed in delight, “You got the house!”. Then she explained that I’d need to start working closely with Matthew to ensure he had everything he needed to keep the paperwork and money transfers going. Matthew was my next call, and I’ll never forget the sound of his voice when he said, “You got the house! You’re a homeowner.” He sounded happier than I felt. I wanted to be in the same moment he was in, but it was taking my feelings time to catch up to it all. I just bought a house. By myself? What have I done?
Step #7: Paperwork
To those of you thinking about becoming a first-time home owner, believe the rumors that there is a lot of paperwork. It’s an intimate experience to share all of your financial details with someone else. At least it was for me. Armed with the dream team I had working for me, they educated me on what I needed to know, but didn’t overwhelm me with too many details they knew I wouldn’t really care about. Reading the pre-inspection report, I learned about the importance of a clean crawl space and other details that never occurred to me.
As I entered the escrow process, I conducted a few more drive-bys of the house, taking my son along with me to gather his thoughts. My son has always been a go-with-the-flow personality type, and we’ve always made the best of whatever our circumstances have been. Thankfully, he reminded me of that while I continued to internalize my fears.
Step #8: Managing Stress While You Wait It Out
Many people have told me that buying a house is a stressful process. In many cases, it will be one of the most significant purchases you will ever make. They weren’t kidding. On top of that, life kept serving me curveballs after curveballs. In addition to celebrating my sober sweet sixteen soberversary, which you can read more about here, I also had to deal with several personal issues that were both matters of the heart, and issues with health, not only for myself (I got a kidney stone on Mother’s Day that landed me in the ER!) But also my brother-in-law and my dad experienced serious health scares. My work life was challenging, to say the least, amid the weight of the heavy headlines and the dark events the world is experiencing as we emerge from a global pandemic. It just felt like too much.
I cracked. I melted down. For a few days, I couldn’t see or even feel light at the end of the tunnel. With deep feelings of dread, I wanted to crawl under my covers and never wake up. The familiar dark thoughts started creeping back in, telling me, begging me to find a way to numb them out. Not today Satan, not today.
I’ve learned many things during the last 16 years of living a recovery-based lifestyle, and one of them is that with every breakdown comes a breakthrough. Pain is a motivator and is usually where I have to get to in order to take action to make things better. I’m great at taking care of everyone else; it’s taking care of myself that tends to be the problem. I kept thinking about those cheesy sayings like “It’s always darkest before the dawn” and “You can’t have a rainbow without the rain.”
Step #9: Back to the Recovery Basics
Let me emphasize the importance of having a strong, sober community. When you are down, they will be there to help carry the weight of the pain, remind you what you’re doing all of this for, and help you break down your to-do list into manageable chunks. When things feel unmanageable, it’s your recovery community that will help you get back to the basics. They’ll give you advice like calling three friends per day and telling them you’re not okay. If you’re a person who practices 12-step, get your butt into a church basement and share. Drink lots of water. Pray and meditate. Eat healthy foods. They’ll remind you that you have PTO for a reason, and now seems like a good time to take it: sleep or a Nap. Get outside. Create something with your hands. Stay off social media. Let go and let God. It’s really a simple program. I’m just usually the one who makes it complicated. And the funny thing is? It truly works if you put in the effort. At least that’s been my experience so far.
Step #10: Officially a Homie
In just a few short days, I will own my first home. Just yesterday, someone told me how much practice I’m about to get signing all of the paperwork. I have one more chance to get inside the house to take measurements and make plans for moving day. Given that we’ve moved so many times, I’ve gotten this part down to a science, and I’m also grateful that I can afford to hire movers. It turns out that you can save a lot of money by not drinking and using, LOL.
Setting up and decorating a new space invigorates me. I’ve accepted my daily routines are about to change. I’ll shop at a different grocery store, frequent a new coffee shop, and fill up at a different gas station. I’ll try to get to know my new neighbors and enjoy watching our two dogs live their best life in their new huge-ass backyard. For a while, everything will be new. And then one day, when I least expect it, the newness will wear off and things will become their new regular. I’ll look back and understand why everything happened the way that it did. And I’ll feel gratitude for the people who surrounded me so I didn’t have to walk through it all alone.
After re-instating my focus on the basic plans, with the assistance of those who care about me, my nerves have calmed, and my confidence is coming back. I’m a homie owner! ME! A single and sober mom who dropped out of college and made decades of poor decisions. You see, I still make poor decisions after getting sober. My problems have just gotten classier. I’m somewhat better at managing them, and I don’t cause as much damage as when I was drinking and using. And thankfully, I have a healthy list of tools and friends to help me get through the hard spots in life without needing to use or pick up a drink.
To all you single and sober ladies out there, I say to you, “YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!” If you want to buy a house, create a plan, work diligently, and enlist the help of a team. If you want to travel the world, figure it out and pack your bag. Whatever it is you want to do, you can do it. You got sober so you could live a life that is happy, joyous, and free. Go live it! Leave it all on the field, because you have nothing to lose. The trick is to keep getting back up every time you get knocked down. Ask for help from the people who care about you. And don’t give up. No matter what those voices in your head might be telling you. Because the best is yet to come.
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