There are endless topics to discuss, questions to ponder, and revelations to be shared. However, I’m still wrestling with what and how to write about this film. We all know by now that although Anthony Bourdain put on a great front and appeared to be living his best life, he wasn’t. Things were not ok for him. Roadrunner sheds light on the manic behavior and obsessive tendencies which only a few witnessed. Listening to his friends describe the events of his last few years is heartbreaking. When you look at the holistic picture it seems obvious that Bourdain was completely unraveling. The problem seems to be that he did not allow anyone to get close enough to see this. It’s a tough reality that’s all too common and difficult to discuss.
Director, Morgan Neville’s Thoughtful Approach
Roadrunner features footage of Anthony Bourdain in interviews and TV shows starting from Tony’s days at Les Halles running through his journey to fame up to the last years of his life. Morgan Neville, Roadrunner’s director went through every article, book on tape, and interview. He then cataloged interesting things by category so the story could be told in Bourdain’s own words and voice. Neville realized that many seemed to be stuck trying to deal with what happened and he wanted to help people process Bourdain’s death. For many of Bourdain’s friends and family members, their interviews with Neville were the first time they had talked about his death. The film includes honest discussions with people closest to Bourdain.
Neville dealt with the suicide head-on and didn’t shy away from the effects of the mental illness Tony experienced. Many fans who have seen the movie say it feels like a funeral and provides much-needed closure. And there was not a dry eye in the house. Seeing how devasted his friends are to this day is a true testament to who Anthony Bourdain really was. Despite the difficult topics, the movie is very well done and balances the accomplishments of life with the manner of death. The director honors who Bourdain was, celebrates his legacy, and sheds some light on how his life ended.
Also contributing to my writers’ block is Bourdain’s bigger-than-life persona and the idol status I’ve given him. He was a master of the English language and a brilliant storyteller with the ability to instantly transport you all over the globe through his vibrant descriptions and nonstop, one-of-a-kind metaphors. He single-handedly encouraged tolerance and appreciation for widely misunderstood foreign cultures, gave a voice to the unheard, and improved world relations one dinner table at a time. His lightning-fast wit, always an honest and wicked sense of humor kept things interesting. Writing about this legend is intimidating! I cannot possibly do him justice but I will do my best.
Through the Lens of Addiction and Recovery
The Sober Curator looks at everything through the lens of addiction and sobriety. So, I’m going to break down some of the major themes in the film into some common patterns we see in recovery using actual quotes from Anthony Bourdain himself.
Roadrunner is the perfect name for this film. Many feel that Bourdain was always chasing a romanticized version of the life. He went from country to country living the rock-star life, seeking knowledge, experiences, and the perfect meal. His love of cinema and constant reference to specific scenes give you an idea of how he framed his expectations. Parts Unknown Director, Helen Cho states that reality was never going to live up to how Bourdain pictured it. Despite this, he kept going. He kept chasing that perfect vision.
There is an eerie parallel in Bourdain’s drive to how an addict is always chasing the high. It’s been said that no high or drunk will ever be as good as the first but the addict will stop at nothing to try to get that feeling again. Many of us continue to search for the perfect party well into our forties and beyond not willing to face the reality that high school and college years should have expiration dates and the perfect parties and are not meant to continue throughout adulthood. But we keep looking. Looking towards people, places, and things to give us that feeling and to fill that hole.
Happiness Is….
Ironically, Anthony Bourdain created an image of a version of life that many people (myself included) considered perfect and believed would bring complete happiness. The ability to make a living traveling the world, meeting interesting people, exploring new cultures, and eating amazing food is a dream job for most. This compounded the level of shock surrounding his suicide. The film uses footage revealing how Bourdain really felt. He spoke many times about how lonely he was and often asked his friends if they were truly happy.
One of the most impactful moments in Roadrunner comes when Bourdain asks one of his idols, Iggy Pop what makes him happy. His response leaves Bourdain speechless when he says it’s the people who love him. In hindsight, it’s a message that many probably wish would have been received louder and much clearer. The film explores Bourdain’s relationship with his second wife, Ottavia Busia, and daughter Ariane, which did bring him much happiness for a while.
A Leopard Can’t Change Its Spots
Bourdain was a loving husband and father. On one hand, he was completely happy living at home as a family man. On the other hand, he was still a seeker and couldn’t shut it off. At one point he went to his producers and told them he wanted to quit making the show. Although the producers were willing to support his decision, Bourdain was unable to move in that direction. He was on the road 250 days a year and ultimately could not be the kind husband and father he wanted to be. The need to continue telling the world’s story seemed to be his dominant driving force. When he could not make this family life work, he went right back to living that rock-star life. Even though he knew he was not truly happy.
Similar patterns of denial are common in addicts. For so long we tell ourselves that we are good, that we are happy with the way things are. We are masters of deception. We put on a great front but the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves. Instead of doing the work on ourselves so that we can have long-lasting authentic relationships, we keep things surface level, making sure no one person knows us well enough to see what’s really going on. If someone gets too close, we run. This is a very lonely and exhausting existence. And the truth is that we can’t outrun the pain, addiction, or mental illness.
Expectations and Serenity
Neville shows us several examples of Bourdain’s high expectations of himself his crew and anyone he meets on both personal and professional levels. Being late was unacceptable and a grudge-worthy offense in Bourdain’s eyes. Certain food combinations or methods of preparation caused some to cease to exist to him. Some of this seems alright given Bourdain’s occupation but we see how these expectations took over towards the end. This is also a huge red flag when you look at expectations in relation to addiction.
In recovery, we know that expectations lead to resentment. Resentments lead to a loss of serenity. Loss of serenity leads to relapse. We know that when you have such high expectations of humans, you are bound to be disappointed because humans can’t ever live up to them. We are constantly examining our days and looking for signs of restlessness, irritability, and discontentment. These are feelings we can’t afford. The way to combat these is with spirituality. I can’t speak on Bourdain’s spirituality but it did not come up in the film. A strong relationship with a higher power is what allows people in recovery to maintain serenity and sobriety both physically and emotionally.
Illuminating Contributing Factors
It’s no secret that Anthony Bourdain battled drug addiction for most of his life. He was very open about this. In the film, longtime friend David Choe comes to the realization that Bourdain’s addiction never went away. He just moved it to different areas of his life. his addiction jumped from one thing to another and never slowed down.
Towards the end of Roadrunner, we start to see Bourdain’s manic behavior leading up to his death. This included firing a long-time cinematographer on his team, his obsession with Jiu-Jitsu, his obsession with his girlfriend, and creative decisions that were extremely out of character.
No one can truly know why Bourdain chose to write his own ending. But the film illuminated some contributing factors. Neville’s goal was to make a film about who Anthony Bourdain was. He was so much more than the way he died. This is well conveyed in Roadrunner. Hearing personal stories from co-workers, friends, and family members confirm this.
Reminders and Revelations
I consider Roadrunner a phenomenal tribute to one of my all-time favorite celebrities. It made me look at the human nature of Bourdain which, can’t be suppressed in any of us no matter how hard we try. While I still long to travel the world, the film made me understand how fortunate I am to have built strong authentic relationships that need fostering. Most importantly it reminded me how powerful addiction is and impressed me with how vital it is to maintain my spirituality. No matter how good my life is or appears, without my connection to my higher power and my fellowship with others in recovery, I’m highly susceptible to the same feelings of discontentment Bourdain expressed. And I can’t outrun them. No one can.
Roadrunner is just as blunt and hard-hitting as Bourdain was in how it deals with depression and suicide. It will be difficult for many to watch but the lessons and reminders are invaluable. I highly recommend seeing this film with your friends. The unspoken takeaway that seems too critical to ignore is to check in on your friends often. Especially those who seem like the strong ones. If you are one who wants to be strong, let people in. Let people know how you are really feeling. This will help us all be better and stronger for ourselves and each other.
Mocktails and Melodies
Happy Every Hour: Superfans know that Another Bourdain loved a good Negroni. Here is the perfect NA version for you to try. Even if you’ve already seen Roadrunner in the theaters, you can sip on this as you rewatch Roadrunner when it comes to CNN and HBO Max!
Play it Again! You can also enjoy the NA-Groni while you listen to the official Roadrunner playlist below. This is Morgan Neville’s compilation of every song Bourdain ever mentioned in his interviews books and TV shows. It includes many of Tony’s favorites and makes up the soundtrack for the movie.
Please Ask for Help
If you or someone you know is struggling or just needs to talk, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.