I’m single. I’m sober. And I just bought my first house at the age of 46. Although I was an early bloomer for puberty, I was a late bloomer at becoming an adult. Back in 2005, six months before getting sober and at the age of 30, I cashed out my entire 401K savings from my 20s. Packing up myself and my nine-year-old son, I pulled a geographic and moved us out of the small town I was born in, moving us two hours north to the Emerald City. If you don’t know, the term geographic is commonly used in the recovery community for moving somewhere new, assuming it will give you a clean slate—a fresh do-over. People that suffer from addiction issues are obsessed with the idea of starting over. The problem with this theory is that wherever you go, there you are. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was the problem. Not my friends, my job, and my drinking made it worse. So, so much worse. It was magical thinking that drinking in a new city with a new job would somehow be different.
On The Move & The Not So Glamorous Life
Cashing out that 401K, I took the money and paid first, last, and a deposit on an expensive two-bed two bath apartment. You know, the kind that had lots of amenities including a gym, party room, and lavish pool area. I bought a new expensive, dark chocolate-colored leather couch sectional, a new expensive pillow top bed, and all kinds of home decor. I decided to embrace the glamorous life I thought I was about to start living in this new space. I’d secured a job at The Seattle Times as an Advertising Executive, with my main client list being luxury automotive dealers. I had arrived.
Mommy wine culture was the theme for my kitchen decor, and my dining room evoked the Mad Men martini era. I idolized drinking and the glamour I thought came with it, apparent in almost every room of our home. Months later, after getting sober and taking all of the alcohol decorations down, I felt just as empty on the inside as my house looked on the outside.
Then I Hit My Bottom
It took no time for me to blow through those decade-long savings of my 401K as I sat in my new cushy apartment. I drank and drank and drank while re-watching episodes of Sex & the City, using cocaine to keep me from blacking out. A little over six months later, my world came crashing to a halt. I was the most broken I’d ever been and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing that bad had happened per se. But, I knew I was on the brink of losing it all. My son, my job, my car, my home.
My sobriety date is May 1st, 2006. You can read my story of how this came to be here. It would be seven years before I’d be able to start putting money back into a 401K. I was newly sober, a single mom, living in the big city pay check to pay check, and not receiving child support. The sober shit had gotten real.
On The Move, Again
In the first ten years of my recovery from alcohol and substance abuse disorder, I also developed a shopping addiction and became a workaholic. As a sober advertising executive turned publisher, I was good at making money, but I was even better at spending it. I loved the high I got from shopping, especially when I would find good deals. Queen of playing the smoke and mirrors game, I’ve always had the knack of making a little look like a lot. Making sure my son and I were dressed stylishly with a refrigerator full of food made me feel rich. I had him when I was 21, and those first few years, we depended on state assistance and food stamps—the more money I made, the more money I spent.
By the time I was ten years sober, I was making more money than I’d ever made before, and I also had more debt than I had ever had before. And outside of owning a nice Cadillac, along with memories and photos from fun and fantastic trips, a closet full of gorgeous clothes, and a massive shoe collection, I had nothing to show for it. I had somehow taken the “One day at a time” motto perhaps a little too literal. I was living in the moment without a care in the world about saving for the future.
We moved five times during those short ten years. Owning a home was never something I desired. I was terrified of commitment. I fancied myself a free bird that could pack up and move at a moment’s notice. Single this entire time and a hopeless romantic; I assumed eventually I’d meet “the one” and either he’d already owned a home that I would happily move into, or we’d buy something together. Surely, buying a home wouldn’t be something I did all by myself.
And Then Came Along 2020 & The Global Pandemic
In July of 2019, I moved for my 24th time since leaving my parent’s house for the first time at the age of 18 back in 1993. By now, my son was an adult and living with a girlfriend and this would be the first place I’d move into that was just for me. I found a quaint two-bedroom two bath apartment on the east side of Seattle, that had an onsight dog park, workout room, rooftop BBQ, and fireplace. It was a short walk from a lake, a 15-minute drive to my office, and only two miles from a Costco. I was going to take the 2nd room and turn it into my cloffice (closet + office hybrid). Five days into my new bachelorette pad, my son called in tears and asked if he could come back home.
This immediately made a spacious one-human and two dogs apartment, a much cozier situation by adding in another human and all of the stuff that came along with him. Mainly gaming equipment, clothing, and shoes. (He gets that from me.) Little did we know, nine months later, in March of 2020, the world would come to a screeching halt and we’d live another two years together squished in this shoe box apartment, with a tiny patio overlooking a parking lot of the condos next door.
It wouldn’t have been so bad except for the fact we weren’t even leaving the apartment. My son and I are both immune compromised, so we took even more extreme measures to protect ourselves from exposure to Covid than the average person. In the end, I ended up getting Covid twice! The first time landed me in the hospital, scary with a capital S! With the exception of taking weeks staying with my parents back in our hometown, we spent basically two years moving around in the same 1,120 square feet, trying not to kill each other.
It’s Time To Buy A House
By December of 2021, I had reached my goal of becoming 100% debt free, an endeavor I’d started back in 2016. It took me five years to pay off nearly $60K of debt. Feeling constantly claustrophobic for the last two years, I now desired to own a home with more space and a fenced backyard for our two Boston Terriers Roxie and Bella. My son and I actually cohabitate pretty well together, so I had no problem factoring him into my next move. I started to do some research, habitually checking Zillow on a frequent basis.
Step #1: Get An Agent
One of my besties introduced me to Kristine Emerson, a local real estate agent in the greater Seattle metro area with Windermere. On a cold day in December, huddled over warm cups of coffee in a quaint locally owned coffee shop in Issaquah, Kristine walked me through what the next steps would be to get the home buying process started. I immediately felt a connection and trust with Kristine. She was also a single mom and explained things to me in a way I could easily understand. Armed with a head swirling with new knowledge, a tummy full of coffee, and a fancy folder filled with pamphlets of information, and our signed contract, I walked out of that coffee shop feeling confident “I can do this” attitude.
Step #2: Get A Loan Officer
This part was a bit trickier for me. I didn’t have the best track record with my finances. Prior to getting sober, I’d filed for bankruptcy once. I’d also gone through not one, but two debt consolidation companies over the years to help me pay down the debt I so easily accrued with my impulsive #addtocart skills. The first loan officer I tried to work with was a close personal friend and unfortunately, the credit union he works for didn’t want to finance someone with such a risky history. I can’t say that I blame them.
Months went by and I didn’t really take any action. Well, except for addictively checking Zillow six times a day, and reading real estate headlines in the media. Leave it to me to decide now, of all times, to buy a home. As I watched interest rates begin to rise and read article after article about how they were going to keep rising, it all seemed rather gloomy. On top of that, homes in the greater Seattle area were going for $100K over the asking price. My self-confidence in my home ownership plan felt stalled as I second guessed my decision to even become a home owner in the first place. I continued to scroll Zillow, praying daily and actively practicing “Letting go, and letting God.” And then out of seemingly nowhere, loan officer Matthew Darren Wall of Ping Home Loans appeared in two different community groups that I was a part of within the same week. I immediately knew this was a connection that was simply meant to be.
Matthew has a passion for real estate investing and understands the power of home ownership. Give him a chance, and he will talk to you about it for hours. His depth of knowledge is impressive. One of the communities, Sales Sidekock, we met in was a small group of entrepreneurs collaborating together once a month, learning new ways of process and sharing best practices. There, I learned how Matthew was working on growing his business and creating his brand. With my background in media, I approached him and asked if he’d want to be my loan officer. I went on to explain that he could teach me everything I need to know about the financial process surrounding home ownership. In exchange, I would pretend to not know anything. (Which, let me be clear, was going to be very easy for me since I actually didn’t know anything.) We could film our conversations and then he’d have content to build out his brand and I’d have someone I trusted to tell me just enough information, without overwhelming me, to help me make the right decisions.
Step #3: Time To Start Shopping
This is when shit got real. Matthew explained, and Kristine my real estate agent seconded, that I just needed to start going to lots and lots of open houses. Even go to the ones you don’t think you are going to like. Listen to my inner intuition. Could I imagine myself living there? What were the features I liked? What were the features I didn’t like? What were my deal breakers? How open was I to the location?
Knowing that I was working with a budget I was going to need to stay within, off I went driving in my gun metal Jeep Wrangler to all different neighborhoods and outlining cities in the suburbs of the greater Seattle area. I concentrated on areas to the north and east and tried to remain open to considering the west or the south ends. Matthew kept reminding me this wasn’t going to be my “forever” home. That I needed to keep an open mind and consider this a way to expand my investment portfolio. It just so happens I’m going to live in this investment for the next few years until I’ve saved up and built up enough equity to flip this one into a rental and then go through the process again. Nerves rattled, I keep telling myself “You can do this Bryson. YOU can do this.” But in the back of my mind, it still felt crazy I was doing this all by myself.
Step #4: Start Making Offers
Both Matthew and Kristine explained to me I shouldn’t get my hopes up that I would win my first offer. On average people were getting homes somewhere around their 8th offer. Kristine patiently met me at houses that I liked on the inside, but then I couldn’t handle the neighborhood surrounding them. I can do anything to make the inside of a home look cute. I’ve got a knack for that. But I can’t fix or change the neighborhood.
I started using Google Earth to really investigate a neighborhood once I found a house I liked online. Finally, I found a cute house north of Seattle that had everything on my required checklist: roof, walls, minimum of three bedrooms, minimum of two bathrooms, fenced backyard, and it felt safe. As someone who is also a sexual abuse survivor, safety is a really big deciding factor for me. And while there are never any guarantees, I at least wanted to feel like I was safe and would not be scared to be home alone.
I was hoping for a house and not a condo or townhouse. In the almost 26 years my son has been alive, we’ve only ever lived in a house-house three times. (Not counting the countless times I moved us in and out of my parent’s house during my 20s.) Each of these times was pretty short-lived. Having a real house, not connected to other people, was important to both of us. Not only did we want more space to live in square footage wise, but we also wanted more space to live outside, watching our dogs run to their little hearts’ content, planning BBQs, and bonfires. Maybe I’d even try to take up gardening.
I worked with Kristine and Matthew to make the most compelling offer I could. I even wrote a love letter to the owners of this home, explaining how far I’ve come in life and how I will continue to take pride and care of the home they were leaving behind. And then I waited. Patience may be a virtue, but it’s not one that comes naturally to me. In the agony of those 24+ plus hours, I practiced more “Letting go, and letting God.”
I’d already started moving into this house inside my head. Making plans to where I would put my furniture and eclectic art and collection of tchotchkes. I didn’t get the house. Apparently, I came in second place. Which means absolutely nothing when you’re buying a house. Sigh. Back to the drawing board. One house rejection down, at least seven or so more to go. I was devastated and contemplated giving up. Maybe I’m just meant to be one of those people that rent forever.
A few days and open houses later, I switched up on my strategy and mapped out 15 houses in all locations around western Washington. Determined to figure this out before interest rates rose again, I needed to find my house. I spent four hours driving around, eating watermelon and beef jerky, and listening to my favorite hip-hop motivational playlist as I explored neighborhoods I’d never been to before.
Step #5: Keep Making Offers
Goonies never say die and I was getting on this home ownership bus one way or another. Enter house number two. The market felt like it was moving so fast, in some cases I felt like I needed to make offers, even if I hadn’t had a chance to see the inside of a home. 30 minutes south of where I currently live, I’d done a drive-by and determined, without even seeing the inside of the house, I could live here. I was ready to make my 2nd offer. Let’s do this!
On May the Fourth (be with you), I called Matthew and Kristine and told them to get the paperwork ready. Kristine somehow pulled some magic strings and I was able to get inside the house before I submitted the official paperwork that was due in just a few hours. With my first step into the house, I immediately felt at home. This house has a very similar floor plan to my childhood home, where my parents still live all these years later. Built in the same decade, it even has nearly the exact same brick mantel and fireplace. Walking through the place very quickly, I probably spent less than 10 minutes in the house before walking out, calling Kristine, and giving her the green light. Even after all these years of recovery, I am still extremely talented at being impulsive.
Step #6: Panic and Phone a Friend
Later that night, I panicked thinking about what I had just done. What if I get this one? Do I really want it? Or was I just bidding on it to get through the rejection quickly, so I could get to my real house faster? Is buying a house like dating? I’ve never been good with rejection and now I was rejecting this house. Matthew did an incredible job of calming my nerves and reminding me what the plan was. Explaining I don’t have to live here forever and this is how I’m going to increase my investment portfolio. His calm, steady manner and confidence were the voice of reason I needed to hear, as panicky thoughts kept swirling around in my head.
As it turned out, the force was with me that day. I missed the call from my agent that evening, but when we finally connected early the next morning she squealed in delight “You got the house!”. Then she explained I’d need to start working closely with Matthew to get him everything he needed to keep the paperwork and money transfers going. Matthew was my next call and I’ll never forget the sound of his voice when he said “You got the house! You’re a home owner.” He sounded happier than I felt. I wanted to be in the same moment he was in, but it was taking my feelings time to catch up to it all. I just bought a house? By myself? What have I done?
Step #7: Paperwork
To those of you thinking about becoming a first-time home owner, believe the rumors that there is a lot of paperwork. It’s an intimate experience to share all of your financial details with someone else. At least it was for me. Armed with the dream team I had working for me, they educated me on what I needed to know but didn’t overwhelm me with too many details they knew I wouldn’t really care about. Reading the pre-inspection report, I learned about the importance of a clean crawlspace and other details that never occurred should matter to me.
As I moved into the escrow process, I did a few more drive-bys of the house, taking my son along with me to get his thoughts. My son has always been a go-with-the-flow personality type and we’ve always made the best of whatever our circumstances have been. Thankfully, he reminded me of that while I continued to internalize my fears.
Step #8: Managing Stress While You Wait It Out
Many people have told me that buying a house is a stressful process. Explaining in many cases, it will be one of the biggest purchases you will ever make. They weren’t kidding. On top of that, life kept serving me curve ball after curve ball. In addition to celebrating my sober sweet sixteen soberversary, which you can read more about here, I also had to deal with several personal issues that were both matters of the heart, and issues with health not only for myself (I got a kidney stone on Mother’s Day that landed me in the ER!) But also my brother-in-law and my dad experienced serious health scares. My work life was challenging, not to mention the weight of the heavy headlines of all of the dark events the world is experiencing as we crawl out of a global pandemic. It just felt like too much.
I cracked. I melted down. For a few days, I couldn’t see or even feel light at the end of the tunnel. With deep feelings of dread, I wanted to crawl under my covers and never wake up. The familiar dark thoughts started creeping back in, telling me, begging me to find a way to numb them out. Not today Satan, not today.
I’ve learned many things during the last 16 years of living a recovery-based lifestyle, and one of them is with every breakdown, comes a breakthrough. Pain is a motivator and is usually where I have to get to in order to take action to make things better. I’m great at taking care of everyone else, it’s taking care of myself that tends to be the problem. I kept thinking about those cheesy sayings like “It’s always darkest before the dawn” and “You can’t have a rainbow without the rain.”
Step #9: Back to the Recovery Basics
Let me stress to you the importance of having a strong, sober community. When you are down, they will be there for you to help carry the weight of the pain, remind you what you’re doing all of this for, and help you break down your to-do list into bite-size chunks. When things feel unmanageable, it’s your recovery community that will help you get back to the basics. They’ll give you advice like phone three friends per day and tell them you’re not ok. If you’re a person that practices 12-step, get your butt into a church basement and share. Drink lots of water. Pray and meditate. Eat healthy foods. They’ll remind you that you have PTO for a reason, and now seems like a good time to take it. Sleep, Nap. Get outside. Create something with your hands. Stay off social media. Let go and let God. It’s really a simple program, I’m just usually the one that makes it complicated. And the funny thing is? It does truly work if you work it. At least that’s been my experience so far.
Step #10: Officially a Homie
In just a few short days, I will own my first home. Just yesterday someone told me how much practice I’m about to get signing all of the paperwork. I have one more chance to get inside the house to take measurements and make plans for moving day. Given the fact we’ve moved so many times, I’ve got this part down to a science and I’m also grateful that I can afford to hire movers. Turns out, you can save a lot of money by not drinking and using, LOL.
Setting up and decorating a new space invigorates me. I’ve accepted my daily routines are about to change. I’ll shop at a different grocery store, frequent a new coffee shop, and get gas at a different station. I’ll try to get to know my new neighbors and enjoy watching our two dogs live their best life in their new huge-ass backyard. For a while, everything will be new. And then one day, when I least expect it, the newness will wear off and things will become their new normal. I’ll look back and understand why everything happened the way that it did. And I’ll feel gratitude for the people that surrounded me so I didn’t have to walk through it all alone.
After re-instating my back to the basic plans, with the assistance from those who care about me, my nerves have calmed and my confidence is coming back. I’m a homie owner! ME! A single and sober mom, that dropped out of college and made decades of poor decisions. You see, I still made and make poor decisions after getting sober. My problems have just gotten classier. I’m somewhat better at managing them, and I don’t cause as much damage as when I was drinking and using. And thankfully, I have a healthy list of tools and friends to get through the hard spots in life without having to use or pick up a drink.
To all you single and sober ladies out there, I say to you “YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!” If you want to buy a house, make a plan, work hard, and hire a team. If you want to travel the world, figure it out and pack your bag. Whatever it is you want to do, you can do it. You got sober so you could live a life that is happy, joyous, and free. Go live it! Leave it all on the field, because you have nothing to lose. The trick is to keep getting back up every time you get knocked down. Ask for help from the people that care about you. And don’t give up. No matter what those voices in your head might be telling you. Because the best is yet to come.
Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
