Greetings, MRS. (W)RIGHT!
Hey, my name is Jordan. I read your column on The Sober Curator and had a question that I’d love your feedback on.
Since becoming sober 12 years ago, even to this day, I still find it hard to meet fellow sober folks that I have literally anything in common with. I’ve met plenty of nice people at most of the groups I attend, but when it all comes down to it, although they all mean well, I don’t have much in common with them.
Most people are older than me; I’m 42. Most of the folks I meet are presumably out of shape; I try to work out as much as possible. Many seem closed off to the idea of developing friendships outside of a group setting, which, for me, is something I’m interested in and that I believe will help me in my recovery.
Yes, I know not everyone will be interested in the same things or have the same mentality towards recovery, but I’m almost at my wit’s end coming up with ideas of places to not only meet sober friends but grow new relationships outside of the group settings, which would help my mental health immensely.
Would love your thoughts and feedback and welcome your ideas. Thank you for creating this column as a place for sober folks to try and grow together!
Thanks,
Jordan
*Submission edited for clarity.
Dear Jaded Jordan,
Oh, honey, you’ve got a fantastic question!! You’ve got two layers here to work with: 1) How to find your people, and 2) How to figure out who’s worth your time once you’re in the mix. Buckle up, let’s dive in!
First, finding people with similar interests isn’t like swiping right on a dating app. It’s about putting yourself in places where the magic happens. Many people in recovery are familiar with 12-step groups and other recovery-focused settings. They drive home that “I’m not alone” assurance that is paramount to sobriety. When we start to maintain sobriety and rediscover ourselves, though, it might be time to go find some people who get the other aspects of you—your quirks, nerdy hobbies, deep love for collecting stamps, or whatever floats your boat. So, here’s how to find those kindred spirits:
- Volunteer for something random. Ever feel a weird urge to clean gravestones or save baby turtles? There are folks out there with the same passion for weirdness. You’ll bond over the bizarre and the beautiful, guaranteed.
- Enroll in a class. Expand your mind and meet some new peeps while you’re at it. Whether painting, cooking, or interpretive dance (hey, I’m not judging), it’s a goldmine for people who speak your language.
- Join a hobby group. The internet is your playground! There are groups for everything from book clubs to board games to underwater basket weaving. You just need to get out there and look.
- Hit the gym or play sports. If you’re into getting your sweat on, why not find a workout buddy who loves those endorphin highs as much as you do? Whether it’s yoga, Pilates, or a kickboxing class, there’s a spotter for everyone.
Now, you’ve surrounded yourself with cool folks who vibe with your interests, but how do you turn that casual connection into something more one-on-one? Nobody wants to be the awkward guy who talks about their pet iguana for too long. So, here’s how to make the magic happen.
- Break off into smaller groups. If you’re in a class, try to pair up with someone for a task. Are you both chopping onions in the cooking class? Bond over how neither of you can remember to keep the pinch grip on the knife handle.
- Coffee dates. After a group thing, casually invite a couple of people for coffee or a meal. It’s way less intimidating than a one-on-one, and you can start figuring out who rings your bell without feeling like you’re auditioning for “Best Friend of the Year.”
- Social media, baby. Nothing says “let’s keep this conversation going” like a little Facebook friend request or Instagram follow. You’ll stay in touch without any of the face-to-face awkwardness.
The key is taking small, chill steps— no need to sprint into “let’s be roommates” status right out the gate. You’ve already mastered sobriety by taking it one day at a time, so try applying that same slow-and-steady patience to building friendships. Resist the urge to force or rush it like you’re in a rom-com. Build it organically; before you know it, you’ll have a crew that gets you.
Take it slow, enjoy the ride, and don’t forget to laugh at the messiness along the way. You’ve got this.
Sincerely,
MRS. (W)RIGHT
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