A while back, I was sitting at my monthly sober babe’s brunch, holding the audience of my girlfriend’s captive. I was discussing the casting process for runway fashion shows and some of the nuances of the modeling world. We laughed hysterically, and like always, I was using humor to get some things off my chest. In today’s climate, while the feminist march to fight the objectifying of a woman’s body, I am standing on a platform begging to be judged. Never would I imagine asking a judge of strangers to critique my physical features and decide whether I am worthy.
I can’t help but point out the irony in my advocacy work for mental health and inclusivity while I offer myself up to the auctioning block. It seems counterintuitive that I lead the charge of radical self-acceptance and then beg to conform to specific beauty standards. Yet after each rejection or small win in the modeling world, I keep hustling back for more.
Am I an ego maniac or a glutton for punishment?
Here is my why: Understanding and pure love. As a woman in her 40s who has loved fashion for decades, I appreciate the process for what it is. Through studying and following the intricacies of fashion design, I have come to love and understand the task. In a sense, I have learned the backstory, so I don’t create a story in my head. (Hence. I am not good enough.) Having intellectualized the process, I don’t believe it’s a literal judging of my worth.
It’s just business. And fashion is an industry I have come to love. Probably because I don’t have to endure the financial stressors that come with it; it’s purely a creative outlet. My day job is a being a psychiatric nurse and addiction recovery advocate. I hold a title as an RN with a baked-in punchline that I “save lives” I mean, come on, folks! All boxes are checked. I kid. I am proud of the career I have built and the role I play in the motion picture of my real life. If I never grace the cover of a fashion magazine, I will be ok.
Projecting Versus Perfecting
So, let’s dive in for a minute. I’d be remiss not to point out the massive amount of hard work and extreme level of self-care it takes to model. Or to put yourself out there in any natural way in the public eye. Yet, this particular arena can feel exceptionally vulnerable because the end game IS personal appearance. What a weird concept in today’s day and age to willingly be judged on your looks. Height, weight, body composition, eye color, gait, etc.
So, does that infer as a model I must perfect my image? No. It just means that I must be willing to project my image AS IS. In a way its more empowering than anything I have ever done. I stand on stage and say this is what I got, take it or leave it. And trust me they will. Yet, I have discovered so much power in standing up and fully owning what I bring to the table. Repeatedly, I have reflected on the mantra my friend & photographer Catherine Just (@cjust on IG) has taught me. To love myself NMFW (No Matter Fucking What.) Through this process I get tested, and it strengthens my self-care and resiliency muscles. I must keep loving myself and believing I am physically and mentally capable. NMFW. Rejection, or acceptance from the public, it doesn’t matter. I choose myself.
I guess that is the power of living through the addiction recovery process. I have taken a good hard look at the person I have become, and I learned to accept the flaws, mistakes, and baggage for what it is—being human. And damn if I am not proud to have come this far and lived through such personal hell. Modeling is not the litmus test for what my physical body is capable of. Getting sober was. My body is a fascinating powerhouse of resiliency and recovery. I have poisoned my body with alcohol and beat it up for decades. And this little engine that could has come back stronger than ever. So yes, put me on the fucking stage. My body is a miracle in five-inch heels.
Staying in the Game
And yet, spoiler alert, after all that self-care and soul-searching, you discover it’s not personal. After the general casting for a runway show, the designers will select you to wear their garment based on your looks and ability to shimmy on the catwalk. Yes, I said, “choose you based on your looks,” but here is the kicker. The garment is already made. It’s one size, one shape, and the clock is ticking. The show is already sold out. The photo shoot is already curated. Designers don’t have time to alter the garment to fit a new body. The measurements must already be a fit.
Whether the model is short, tall, plus size, or sample size, it must fit correctly. The overall look must emulate the message the designer is trying to convey. Often, a designer will select a model based on plans to counterpoint clothing against skin, hair, and eye color. I like to think of it as making a social statement using the human body as art. I was mentally off the hook when I realized it wasn’t personal.
Once, I was turned down for a runway show (once, who am I kidding, several times), and then I dared to attend as an audience member. Call it morbid curiosity. The models who were cast were all roughly 5’9. I am 5’6. I could see why the height was necessary when I saw the dresses. They were super long. I would have been tripping over toil. It’s not a national conspiracy movement against me; it’s just the train of a dress. I won’t Pollyanna this part and say that rejection doesn’t hurt. It stings. A lot. It makes me question myself. And I wouldn’t say I like that feeling. So, I have learned to stay grounded and return home. Choosing the mantra that I am enough, and when it’s my time to shine, I will.
The bottom line is the right people will choose you. The right designer, the right photographer, the right casting director. It will come your way when it’s your time. There is a project for every model. And the right people will later alter the clothes to fit you, not you to fit the clothes. If I stay in the game, the right people will find me. The right people will appreciate my unique qualities and want to work with me. I have met many other models who love and support me and have the same creative aspirations. It has been a gift meeting so many amazing and unique people. If I maintain the right mindset, it can be a world of abundance, not competition.
Reverence
The other part of this two-part mini saga is the love for fashion and the reverence for the process. My biggest why is to support new designers as they put their creative work into the world. Most of the shows I have been cast for thus far are to display the result(s) of an emerging designer. Personally, it’s a massive part of why I got into modeling. I can’t tell you how much I have learned about fashion from this work.
Runways are shown and told by the designer. Meeting new designers and watching them work has been a luxury for me. I have seen designers bring their sewing machines backstage the day of the show to finish a garment. I have watched them hustle to steam clothes and pin and drape moments before the runway. It is the most beautiful display of sewing and craftsmanship. Most designers aren’t out there to sell clothes. They are selling a vision and a fantasy. A creative concept. They worked hard to devise a collection and sketched and sewed until it became a reality. Before the runway, the designer lines up the models by the fabric story. Specific colors and textures blend, and then they may throw a juxtaposition piece to keep the viewers captive.
I once had a designer tell me she used polka dots to represent her anxiety in the creative process. So, in many ways, a runway show is like watching a play with no words. Just movement and imagery and music. They say that fashion is synonymous with who we are and what we are enduring emotionally and mentally. Therefore, designers must understand what is happening worldwide as a cultural phenomenon and embrace those changes in their work. I like to think of it as scrapbooking a timeline with fabric and fashion. So, I guess I don’t need to justify any of this. It’s FUN. Remember fun, my sober and lovely friends? You are allowed to have it.
Grace & Glam,
Kate
WALK YOUR TALK: Kate Vitela, our resident Sober Fashionista, loves to celebrate fashion and the role it plays in our recovery. Getting ready for life can be just as fun if not more fun, now that we’re sober…because drunk never looks good.