Tuesday Tunes Song of the Week: Circus
Artist: Britney Spears
One week from today I celebrate 16 years of Long Term Recovery (God Willing). This week is always a week of reflection. When people see me now, they have no idea of the circus that was my life 16 years ago. Yes, I was in chaos in all aspects of my life at the time but what I don’t talk about too much is the psychosis that was going on due to a lack of food and lots of drugs and alcohol.
Psychosis (definition): a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.
What did psychosis look like in my life? Well, let’s just say I am so glad I never called the cops on the “person” read TREE that I thought was beating up another “person” read CAR. You read that right. I was so impaired that I thought a tree was a person and that it was beating up another person which was a car. Turns out it was the shadow of a tree and it was just swaying in the Texas wind and reflecting onto a car hood. I watched out my window for what seemed like hours frozen in fear.
I would sit on the floor in the door jam between my bedroom and the front door so that I could see all aspects of my apartment, every sound convinced me that “they” were coming for me. I saw doors open, things move, and people that weren’t there. I stopped breathing more times than I can count so that I could hear better. The silence was deafening.
The perceived terror that I endured that week is something I never want to feel again.
I often wonder what would have happened if I had called the police that night. This was one of many choices that were made that week by something greater than myself that allowed me to find the courage to pack up and leave and receive the gift of recovery.
Sometimes the most terrible situations lead to the most beautiful of endings. Recovery IS possible.
My circus looks different now but I will take this band of monkeys over the pack of wild tigers I used to endure in active addiction any day of the week!
TUESDAY TUNES: Sober Curator Lauren McLaughlin, AKA @joyfullysober, takes us on a weekly journey of songs that have been part of her 16-year recovery journey, as she encourages you to dance like no one is watching.
SOBERSCRIBE NOW!
Resources Are Available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
