We’ve all heard of body dysmorphia—that painful disconnect between how we think we look and how we actually do. But lately, I’ve been thinking about something similar happening in the sober space. A term I’ve started (thinking about) using for it is Sobriety Dysmorphia.
Sobriety Dysmorphia describes what happens when the presentation of sobriety—whether to the world or to ourselves—doesn’t quite line up with reality. It’s a kind of distorted reflection. We tell ourselves (and others) that we’re sober… but the truth behind the scenes is a lot murkier. It’s not always intentional. Sometimes it’s about denial. Sometimes it’s about performance. Sometimes it’s about holding onto an identity we’ve outgrown or shifted away from—but we’re not ready to admit it yet.
And listen, I get it. Sobriety is personal. Recovery is personal. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. We’re living in an era where people are rethinking what sobriety even means. There’s sober curious, gray area drinkers, Cali Sober, harm reduction, moderation, abstinence, and about 50 more shades of sober in between. People are defining things on their own terms—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But words matter. Clarity matters.
When Public Personas and Private Practices Don’t Match
Over the past few years, we’ve seen a lot of public figures shift their stance on sobriety. Demi Lovato popularized the term Cali Sober, describing their decision to use cannabis in moderation after years of publicly sharing their recovery journey. As of December 2021, Demi Lovato publicly declared that they were no longer “California sober”—a term they had used to describe their moderation approach to substance use—and stated that “sober sober is the only way to be.” By all reports, Demi is now practicing total abstinence.
More recently, Holly Whitaker—author of Quit Like a Woman and once one of the loudest voices championing sobriety-as-liberation—announced on her Substack that she now uses cannabis. For some, this is a natural evolution. For others, it raises questions about the definition of sobriety—and whether we need better language to describe the many different paths people are taking.
This isn’t about passing judgment on anyone’s choices. But when someone who once held themselves up as a lighthouse for sobriety changes course, it can feel destabilizing—especially for those of us in the recovery community who are working hard to stay grounded. Let’s all remember there are no gurus, and we should at least attempt not to put people on pedestals or, at the very least, recognize when we’re doing it.
Sobriety Isn’t About Perfection, But It Should Be About Integrity
The recovery space is already confusing enough. We live in a society that celebrates alcohol at every turn and normalizes substance use as self-care. For people trying to navigate early sobriety—or maintain long-term recovery—watching public figures redefine sobriety on the fly can make you wonder if you’re missing something… or if you’re doing it wrong.
And that’s where I think a term like Sobriety Dysmorphia comes in. It’s that internal conflict. The feeling of presenting a version of yourself that doesn’t quite align with your lived experience. Sometimes it’s the pressure to perform sobriety, to keep up appearances when you’re actually struggling. Sometimes it’s denial—a distorted perception of your own relationship with substances. And sometimes it’s branding.
We live in an age of curated identities. Sober is trendy. Wellness sells. But what happens when the sober brand is out of sync with the human behind it? That’s where we have to get honest. Not just for ourselves, but for the people looking to us for clarity, community, and hope.
It’s Okay to Change—But Be Clear About What You’re Changing
Sobriety Dysmorphia isn’t about shame. It’s about naming something that’s happening, so we can talk about it honestly. If you decide that cannabis fits into your life and you no longer identify as sober in the traditional sense, own that. If you’re moderating or cutting back but not practicing abstinence, name it. That’s harm reduction. That’s moderation. That’s its own thing. But calling it sobriety muddies the waters, especially for people who need sobriety to mean one thing: abstinence.
At the end of the day, sobriety isn’t about perception—it’s about integrity. And we each get to define what that means, as long as we’re honest about it.
What Does “Sober” Actually Mean?
At its core, sober means not under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In most traditional recovery circles, sobriety refers to complete abstinence from alcohol and non-prescribed, mood-altering substances.
But we live in a time where the definition of sober is shifting—sometimes in ways that bring clarity, and sometimes in ways that blur the lines. Here’s a simple breakdown:
- Traditional definition: Free from alcohol and drugs; total abstinence.
- Broader definitions: Can include harm reduction, moderation, or selective use (like cannabis), depending on the person.
For me—and for many others in recovery—sobriety means complete abstinence with #nodaysoff. Not because it’s trendy or marketable, but because it’s life-saving. AND, The golden rule of recovery is that you are in recovery when you say you are. Full stop.
Words matter. Clarity matters. And honesty about where we stand helps us all stay grounded.
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