Last week, I found myself struggling to breathe — not from exertion, but just sitting still. It happened at work, in the car, even while watching “Baylen Out Loud” with my daughter, which requires zero effort. That’s not normal for me. Neither is lying awake until 4 or 5 a.m., staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep that never comes. I was running on empty, my heart was racing, and my body felt completely off. Something wasn’t right.
So, naturally, my brain jumped to the most logical conclusion: I’m having a heart attack. This is it. I’m about to be one of those stubborn 50-something guys who refuses to go to the hospital and just keels over mid-conversation. The next thing you know, they’re talking about me at my funeral like, “He was a good guy, but wow, what an idiot.”
Instead of letting that be my legacy, I told my supervisor I was heading to urgent care. She looked at me like, “Why are you even still standing here?” It was a mix of concern and please don’t die at the office, we just got new carpeting.
I got to urgent care, explained my symptoms, and was immediately whisked away for an EKG. Blood pressure? High as usual. Heart? Beating like it’s supposed to. The doctor wasn’t convinced, though, and suggested a trip to the ER, “just in case.” I told her I’d check with my wife first because, well, she’s in charge. Instead, I went home and played Fortnite, because that somehow felt like the right move.
The ‘Oh, Duh’ Moment
The next day at work, we had an all-staff meeting, and — get this — the topic was how to manage anxiety. The first slide? Symptoms of anxiety: trouble sleeping, fatigue, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate…
Holy. Shit.
I wasn’t dying. I was anxious.
Somehow, it had never crossed my mind. I walked out of that meeting feeling like a moron but also relieved that my heart wasn’t a ticking time bomb. So, I sat in my car, trying to figure out what was going on in my life. And it turns out, I had plenty of reasons to be feeling this way.
For starters, I’ve been doomscrolling like it’s my part-time job. I don’t usually watch the news. I never argue on social media. I keep my distance from the chaos. But lately? The world feels like it’s unraveling, and I’ve been soaking it all in, one catastrophic headline at a time.
Then there’s work. I’ve had a recent role change, which is awesome, but it’s more responsibility. Meanwhile, Sober Not Subtle has become another full-time gig — writing articles, curating recovery stories, and running social media. I love it, but I never stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, I’ve taken on too much.
Oh, and let’s not forget the greatest hits:
– I haven’t exercised since May.
– I’ve been eating like a NYC Subway Rat.
– I’ve been slacking on my 12-step meetings and haven’t been checking in as much with the people who call me on my bullshit.
– My stress relief (video games, music, streaming) has been on the back burner.
– Chronic knee and back pain that makes everything feel 10 times worse.
And yet, I was standing around wondering why I felt like I was about to explode from the inside out. Honestly, I’m surprised I haven’t had the heart attack I was so worried about.
So Now What?
Now that I’ve finally acknowledged what’s going on, it’s time to do something about it. Not big, sweeping, unrealistic changes. Just small things.
1. Food first. I need to eat better and eat regularly. If I keep running on fumes, of course, I’m going to feel like shit.
2. Move my body. I’m not saying it has to be Back / Bis, Chest / Tris like back in high school, but even a stretch or a short bike session in the morning could make a difference.
3. Talk to my boss. The people I work with are incredibly understanding, but I need to let them know when I’m feeling overwhelmed instead of just powering through like a martyr.
4. Get outside. Short walks during the day. Just to reset. Fresh air, movement, a break from screens.
5. Ease up on Sober Not Subtle. It’s a site about mental health and recovery, and yet I’m letting it drive me crazy — irony at its finest. The world isn’t waiting on my next post with bated breath. It’s OK to take a step back.
6. Game time. I can carve out a few hours a week to play some Fortnite. It may seem lame to my family, but it’s not to me.
7. Prioritize meetings. I once heard, “Schedule your day around your meeting, not your meeting around your day.” Lately, I’ve been treating them like an afterthought. That needs to change. Whatever I put ahead of my recovery, I’ll lose eventually. And I’m not willing to lose everything I’ve built.
8. Cut back on doom-scrolling. The news used to be a once-a-day thing. Now, it’s a never-ending flood of disaster and despair. If I need to stay informed, I’ll limit myself to 30 minutes daily — max.
And finally, the big one: I need to remind myself that I am not responsible for saving the world. My old sponsor used to say, “Focus on your immediate blast radius.” My family, my friends, my community — that’s where I can make a difference. The rest? Not my job.
If I were on a plane, I wouldn’t burst into the cockpit and insist on helping fly the damn thing. It’s the same with life. I’m just a passenger. I don’t have to control everything.
(Although, given the amount of video games I’ve played, I’d probably have a better shot at landing a plane than managing my anxiety. But hey, progress, not perfection.)
SOBER NOT SUBTLE: Through personal stories, advocacy, and connection, Sober Not Subtle is committed to smashing stigma around addiction and mental health.
Jason Mayo is passionate about advocating for people living with substance use disorder and mental health issues. His goal is to use humor, creativity, and lived experience to impact the world positively.
MENTAL HEALTH: The Sober Curator’s Mental Health section serves as a comprehensive guide for individuals seeking to enhance their mental well-being, particularly those in recovery from addiction. This thoughtfully curated space offers resources, articles, and personal stories that explore the intersections of mental health, sobriety, and self-care.
From coping strategies for anxiety and depression to insights on mindfulness and emotional resilience, the Mental Health section provides readers with the tools and support needed to navigate life’s challenges while maintaining a sober lifestyle. By fostering open discussions around mental health, The Sober Curator empowers its community to prioritize emotional wellness as a critical component of long-term recovery.
Recovery is hard 24/7, 365 – Please know that resources are available
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties surrounding alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, please reach out and ask for help. People everywhere can and want to help; you just have to know where to look. And continue to look until you find what works for you. Click here for a list of regional and national resources.
